


with fingers so blind

by pettigrace



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Zombies, Asexual Character, Attempted Murder, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Death, Depression, Family, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Minor Character Death, Murder, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Police Brutality, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-04-25 21:20:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4976956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pettigrace/pseuds/pettigrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry Allen finds himself in some sort of clinic he's never seen before. The last memories he knows is that he most certainly <i>died</i>. A doctor tells him that after the explosion of the STAR Lab-accelerator, deceased people have come back to life. // In The Flesh AU (don't have to know it, though.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A few announcements before you start reading!
> 
> 1) As mentioned, this is an In The Flesh AU, which is a British TV show about, well, _zombies_. You don't have to know the show, however, I used it merely as a basis and changed a lot of things about everything. I also explain a lot throughout the fic's course.
> 
> 2) Vigilantes don't exist in this universe. Barry's mum was still murdered when he was young, but there was no time travel involved and stuff like that. His dad was still framed for her murder and Barry originally tried to prove it wasn't him. Also, since Oliver appears: The family boat sunk, his dad still died and he spent 5 years on a hellish island, but when he came home, he didn't become the Arrow. He's just some rich dude trying to get back into his life.
> 
> 3) I have no idea about the human body at all. Or complicated chemicals. That's why there was a lot of googling involved for this story to happen and most things I asked my friend Felix about. So if you have any scientific complains, you may direct them at his [tumblr](http://i-murph.tumblr.com). (Special thanks at this point, although I'm sure he'd rather claw his eyes out than reading what the wrong fuck I did with all that information).
> 
> 4) I'm German, so don't mind extensive uses of commas.
> 
> 5) **Please mind the tags/warnings.** Obviously, death is a constant companion here, as it depression. Homophobia/Rape/etc will only be apparent later, but I'll write a extra warning in those chapters.
> 
> That's about it. Have fun while reading and tell me your opinion!

He feels numb, staring at the white walls, sitting on the white bed, being dressed in white. There's nothing of colour, even his skin only barely a dirty shade of white, maybe his hair is still brown? He wouldn't know, he doesn't have a mirror, they won't let him have one.

He remembers what has happened, it's still clear to him and he almost feels like laughing when he recalls it.

He's been chasing after some guy who'd tried to steal Iris' bag, Barry's been actually quite close to catching him, for once his long legs have done good work carrying him, but then suddenly he was hit – by a _car_ \- and he _flew_ through the air and then he crashed onto the ground and everything happened so fast and everything _was hurting_. It fits to him, really, trying to do something good and then fucking up. And when Barry Allen fucks up, he does it greatly.

He _died_.

He doesn't remember the process of dying itself, he remembers the pain – though probably merely a shadow of what it must actually have felt like –, he can feel and see scars on his legs and arms, but he's sure they couldn't have been too deep. He must've died of internal bleeding or maybe his brain has been damaged?

He remembers Iris' voice crying and shouting his name, sounding so _terrified_ . _Barry, please, be strong._ , he remembers Joe pray, barely been able to hear him – and the next thing he knows is his hands digging through mud, his fingers dirty. He's climbed out of a _grave_ . Out of _his_ grave. He's been _dead_.

He's climbed out of his grave and he remembers feeling hungry, so hungry he was in pain, and then – nothing.

He doesn't know what has happened then. Between then and waking up in this room weeks ago, he remembers nothing. He's not even sure for how long he's been here, actually, he has stopped counting after nine days.

It reminds him of a hospital here, not only the whiteness of everything but that feelings that you actually should be somewhere else, the presence of death at any time. They give him meds – he's not sure what exactly it is because nobody feels the need to _talk_ to him, but he knows he hasn't been hungry aver since he started taking them – and they teach him how to put on make-up, without a mirror, to cover up his ugly white face. He's sure it must be ugly, he's seen other people here, every day when he has to get his meds they cross his path. They are literal zombies and with their pale skin, blue lips, scars and _dead looks_ in their eyes, he feels a shiver run down his back every time he looks at one of them. And he must look the same. Apparently, his eyes have changed as well, because he's had to tell them his eye colour and they gave him lenses.

It's only after some more days that they tell him things. They start with dropping a bomb, basically. Telling him he'd get a visitor soon, but don't say when exactly and whom it will be.

There are only two people who that could be actually, the only two people who have cared about him after his mum's death, the only people who would have the opportunity to visit him, the only people who would _want_ to visit him. Iris and Joe will come to see him. And then he won't feel as out of place.

They start talking to him, in a way that kinda of seems like therapy but at the same time it isn't.

The young woman he's talking to looks quite scared at first – always keeping her hands busy, trying to hide behind her red head of hair.

“You're probably wondering why you're here.”, she starts to tell him slowly.

He wants to snort actually, but there's no sound coming out of his mouth, he feels like he's choking – he guesses it's because he hasn't said a word since-- well, since he has died. Of course he's wondering what's happening, he hasn't thought about anything else ever since he first woke up here. He has been dead and now he's not and he just doesn’t understand and _how can zombies even be real?_

“You-- you died. Internal bleeding.”, she says, and then, really honestly, she adds, “I'm sorry.”

So he's been right. Nice to know his skills haven't been erased by whatever has happened after that.

“You have tried to--”

Finally he finds his voice, he sees how uncomfortable and hard it seems to her to tell him this, and he just wants to keep her from crying, he sees how tears come up to her eyes and _why does she even care_? “I-”, he coughs, “I know. What-- after--?”

She quickly catches herself, “There's-- there's been some kind of explosion – we're not sure why exactly just yet. The accelerator- S.T.A.R. Labs, you know that? It exploded for some reason and-- we don't know-- people, dead people, started living again-- it's--”

He nods slowly. So there's actually a scientific reason. It didn't just happen like that, it wasn't done by a God he doesn't believe in anyway, he could work with that. So they're not sure why exactly, but they will probably work out what has happened soon enough and maybe-- he doesn't even know what his thoughts are doing right now.  
Then another thing hits him. He's not the only person who has woken up from the dead, others have, too. There were not only people his age, not only people who have died on accident if you consider their scars-- _his mum is alive, too_?

“Not _all_ people, though.”, the woman continues and now she actually seems like she's about to burst out into tears at any moment. Barry is wondering how old she may be, she doesn't look much older than him, she's the youngest worker he's seen around here, probably. “Only-- um, only those who've died in the past six years-- we just _don't know_ why--”, her voice actually breaks.

Barry doesn't know what to do-- he doesn't know why this woman is so upset, if he only knew a way to help her, he'd do it instantly. She seems so hurt, he feels the instinct to hug her but then he remembers he doesn't even know her and _oh_ , he's a zombie.

“Hey, it's okay- Everything will be okay, it's-- you don't-- What is your name?”, he asks before he can stop himself.

Her hand reaches up to her eyes, carefully wipes away the trails of tears and takes a deep breath before looking up to him. “Jesus, I forgot that? I'm sorry-- I'm Doctor Caitlin Snow.”

“I'm Barry Allen.”, he answers.

She lets out a sound that reminds him of a chuckle – only it's suppressed by a hiccup. “That's – that's good to know. Oh-Three-Oh-Nine-Nine-Five always was a bit long.”  
And his mouth falls open. Of course. They wouldn't know his name. He probably hasn't been near his grave when they found him, hell, even if he were, does he even have a gravestone? He hasn't told them his name so they must've called him by something else – in their files. He knows they have some, he's seen them writing down things once he's gotten his injection. But the thing is, they didn't even ask him. It's like they just don't care. Or, considering how many half-dead people are here, they're simply too busy. He knows what that's like. He barely remembers names from his cases. He can't blame her for this, especially not when she seems so fragile.

“As I was saying, we don't know why only those who, uh, died in the past six years have been affected but-- it's a fact.”, she states, unaware that he feels like someone punched him in the stomach – he won't see his mum again. “People like you, Mr Allen--”

“Please call me Barry.”

She sighs. “People like you, Barry, are called 'PDS sufferers' – short for Partially Deceased Syndrome. Meaning you were dead but now you're not but-- there is some special treatment for you, of course. Uh, to prevent... things from happening again.”

“What things?”, he asks, and she sees how scared she looks still.

“I-- you are obviously aware that you get a serum every day. It's important that you take this because if you don't-- you'll... behave differently and... bad things will happen... again--”

“Dr Snow, what things?”

She acts like she can't hear him. “It's important that you remember: what you've done in your untreated state is by no means your own fault.”

“What--?”

“Please repeat the sentence. 'I am a Partially--'”

“ _Dr Snow_ \--”

“'—Deceased Syndrome Sufferer and what I've done in my untreated state--'”

“Caitlin!”

“'—is not my fault.'”

She won't tell him, he knows that. She would've done it already if she wanted to. He's wondering, has she been ordered not to tell him? Doesn't she know? Is it her decision not to tell him? 

He knows it won't do anything, pledging her to tell him, so he might as well give in. Maybe it will help him gain information, in the end. So he repeats the sentence. Although it would make more sense if only he knew what it's referring to. 

"We'll work on you grasping the concept every day from now, and you'll get a visitor in a few days. And soon you'll be allowed to go home.", Dr Snow tells him with a shy smile. 

He nods. He doesn't even ask who'll visit him, he's certain it must be Iris -- and it's not like she'd tell him anyways. 

"See you tomorrow, Barry.", she says, makes a movement as if she wanted to touch his shoulder but then she stopped inches apart from his shirt. 

She's out of the door before Barry can say anything.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's start with the plot, shall we?

He starts counting the days again. They are almost the same as before, he gets woken up early in the morning, has to leave his room and gets his injection. Then later Dr Snow would come and talk to him, make him repeat this weird sentence over and over actually-- she still won't tell him what those happenings in the untreated state have been. Sometimes she can't stop herself and tells him about ideas they have about why everything has even happened, but she's careful not to let anything drop that she is sure of. It doesn't give him much to work with, really.

He's still told how to apply make-up and _hell_ , he doesn't even know if he's good at it because there's still no mirror. It's boring, exhaustingly boring really, because he doesn't have anything to do. He wishes he'd have some of his comics here or that he'd at least have the guts to talk to someone but he's too scared whenever someone looks at him.

He'd almost say he's about to go crazy but really? Hasn't he already? He's a freaking zombie, in a hospital for zombies where they are treated so that they can function like normal people, apparently. In some weird sense, it's like they're told not to be themselves. Not that he feels very much different apart from the numbness he experiences here throughout the day, but just what they're doing to them – they're different from what they'd be like usually. 

He does nothing the entire day but stare at walls and talk to Dr Snow, which has been somewhat his favourite activity now although they don't actually talk to _each other_ much.

It takes eleven more days until he finally gets his visitor. They tell him in the morning so that he could prepare himself. They don't give him different clothes, he's still supposed to wear these big white clothes that remind him of a hospital gown. He can't do anything about preparing himself than applying the make-up they offer him as well nowadays, trusting him to do it by himself.

When he's finished, it still takes some time until they get him out of his room. He's not sure if it were hours or just minutes but _God_ , it's annoying to do nothing but look at walls.

He almost jumps when his door gets opened, finally he'll see Iris and Joe again, his life will be normal again. Finally he will see things again that are just so normal, his flat, his own bed. He'll have things to do-- he doesn’t even know how long he's been dead, and for single moment the dumb thought of how many comic issues he must've missed, strikes him.

How much has he missed at work? Have they found a proper replacement for him? Have all crimes been solved that may have happened? What about that samples he's prepared just the morning before everything went down?

And then it hits him.

Have Iris and Joe even been able to cope? _Oh god_ , he hopes Iris doesn't blame herself. He may have died while running after her bag, but it's been his decision, it's been a stupid accident, he should've known it was a bad idea for him to run after that guy-- if anyone was to blame, it would've been himself. He’s sure Joe would've told her the same, that she wasn’t to blame, but _Jesus_ , he hopes she understood.

Can he even face them? He's brought so much pain over them, he's sure. How can he look into their faces when he's been the reason that they probably haven't smiled in a long time?

He can't do this. He can't go face the Wests. He’s certain if he were to eat, his stomach would go sick now, he wouldn't be able to go there physically, he just-- he just can't.

But he has to.

Suddenly it seems like they're almost _forcing_ him out of his room, one person on his left, another on his right, they're holding onto his elbows and leading him away. He can’t do such as fight - they're taller and bigger than him and he just doesn't have the _strength_ to fight.

He gets settled down in big room full of tables. Still, everything is in white and grey and silver and it reminds him of an empty cafeteria. Maybe it used to be one, he doesn't know what this building originally was or if it were built specifically for keeping zombies-- _PDS sufferers_ \-- inside. There are a few other people around, each of them dressed just like him, wearing their make-up. He hadn't even considered how weird that colour might look, they seem to be some light kind of orange-- you can totally see how that isn't what they normally look like. Each of them occupies their own table, apparently they’re waiting for visitors themselves. Somehow it's comforting to know even this thing here has its visitor hours.

 

Now it only takes a few moments until they're opening the doors, not enough to figure out a way how to leave-- he has to face them now, the big men are still by his sides and he's pretty sure they won't leave.

People are led inside now, he spots a small crowd of men and women. They're dressed mostly in black, he's not sure if they think it's appropriate because after all, they're visiting the dead. There aren’t any children.

Also, there is no sight of Joe and Iris. They'd stick out among these people, who are so afraid they’re almost as pale as the PSD sufferers. They - his _family_ \- they aren’t there. Didn't the hospital get information that they wouldn't come after all? Why aren't they here? Was he even supposed to meet _them_?

The group is divided now, some of them are led to their relative in pairs, some people go on their own.

And a man gets led to him.

Barry has seen him before, Harrison Wells, the creator and director of STAR Labs. The man who seems to be responsible for this. The last time he's seen him, on the local news, Wells has been standing high and tall, wearing a nice suit and looking full of confidence. Now, the confidence has gotten less, he's wearing a dark sweater from his laboratory, and he's _sitting_. In a _wheelchair_.

And strangely, that's the most normal thing Barry has seen in some time.

He tries not to think about that too much, Wells might want to visit someone sitting behind him or maybe he'll drive past him, to talk to one of the people who have a saying here.

But no, Wells, the man he used to admire so much, the man he wanted to become in his past life, stops in front of his table and waits until the man leading him here puts away the chair from the table and he can roll closer.

The doctor looks at him expectantly, like a teacher who's asking a student for vocabulary, and Barry is confused. What is happening here? Why is Harrison Wells visiting him? Is he supposed to know? Has he forgotten something?

"Hello, Barry Allen."

He swallows and tries his best to look into his eyes. "Uh, hello, Dr Wells?"

Wells gives him a small smile. "Good, you know who I am. Then we can skip all of that."

Barry just looks at him, waits for him to continue.

"As you were probably told already, that... That it's because of STAR Labs.", he says. "Your current state of living, I mean."

Barry presses his lips together. It bothers him how calm Wells is about all of this. Apparently his machine has led to a big biological catastrophe and he has nothing better to do than come into a building full of affected people and announce it like that? Barry is sure he's not mad that he's alive again, but he guesses there are some people who would mind, people who have killed themselves, people who don't have a family anymore, nobody to come home to...

What if Joe and Iris moved away after his death? Would he be allowed to go after them? Is he doomed to stay in this town? Will he ever even be allowed to leave this hospital?

Instead of answering, he only raises an eyebrow, waits for the older man to continue.

“I've been informed that Dr Snow, a former assistant of mine, is working with you nowadays. She's told me how you've been a magnificent physician in … your past life.”, Wells says, not even blinking at that expression. “It's a lucky happen-stance that you're also the last person who has died before what we call 'The Rising'.”

“Um... How exactly is one of those things linked to the other?”, Barry blurts out before he can even think about it. So yes, he has been quite good at his job, he's probably been the next best person at sciences in Central after Wells and his team. And okay, nobody has died after him? That's nice to hear. But Wells makes it sound almost like his job is the reason for that to happen.

“Oh, excuse me, I may should've been a bit clearer. Looking at it objectively, there is no link between those causalities.”, Wells says, “But, as Dr Snow certainly has told you already, we're currently trying to figure out why everything has happened at all. In our position, we'd need the help of a PDS sufferer who'd be willing to give us samples of themselves, and since you not only have scientific qualities but actually have been the last Sufferer who has been around the accelerator before everything went down, you might have some value concerning gathering information.”

Barry watches the man behind Wells shift a bit. He doesn't look too happy with what Wells is saying. He needs a moment to progress it himself. What he gathers is that Wells is asking for his help, says that he can bring in his knowledge so that they finally find out what exactly has happened. And as curious as Barry is, what exactly will he get from that? Why should he bother wasting his time and energy when it doesn't change anything for him? He'll still be a zombie, will still have to apply his make-up in the morning. Why should he do that?

“Finding out a reason would probably also help us figure out how to develop a cure.”

“A cure...?”, Barry repeats, opening his eyes widely.

“Yes. Of course-- a cure. Keeping the Sufferers in their condition could bring great danger to all of us.”, Wells says calmly, and for a second Barry thinks he's about to _shrug_.

“What do you mean? _Danger_?”, Barry asks in an alarmed voice. The people around here might not look like the nicest, but with their bodies moving as if they'd only just woken up from a long sleep – which, he supposes, isn't too wrong – he can't imagine them being dangerous. Is he classified as dangerous as well? What exactly is this danger?

Wells nods slowly. “Dr Snow has told me that for now you haven't been informed about what The Rising really has led to. I'm not sure if it really is my part to tell.”

“Dr Wells,” Barry begins, “with all due respect. I don't know anything about anything here. In fact, I don't even know for how long I've been here or for how long I've been...”, he swallows, “dead. People keep hinting at things I don't know and since I don't have anything to do here, I keep wondering and I might be about to go _crazy_. If you could please tell me--?”

Dr Wells sighs. “Since you won't do anything good for anyone when your mental health is ruined... Although I am not sure if this will really keep you normal-- As you might have figured, coming back from the dead can have quite an effect on people. It's, um..., It's almost been like people's worst nightmares, to be honest. The Sufferers... they have attacked people, they haven't had control over their own minds... it's been a catastrophe really, until we finally figured out how to anaesthetize and temporarily put them into a human condition.”

Barry gulps. They have attacked people? Has he done that as well? Has _he_ hurt someone? A stranger? Maybe someone he knows? Again, he knows if only it were possible, he'd get sick. Now he knows why Dr Snow did not want to tell him, now he knows why she was acting so weird around him, why she'd been so scared at first. She's known what he could be capable of, she's feared he could attack her and _oh god_ , he totally _has_ already attacked someone.

“So, I guess you understand why it's so important for us to invent a cure.”, Dr Wells says. “Not only for the Sufferers' well-being but also for our own. I hope you'll be willing to help us?”

Barry frowns at Wells' wording. He's talking to him as if he wasn't affected, as if he belongs to the 'we' and is supposed to _fight_ against 'them'. He wishes it were easy like that, he wishes he were on the good side, the one that won't give him moral problems but here he is, wondering if he's done something he'd hate himself for.

"How long has it been since... The Rising?", he wants to know.

"More or less three months."

"And since... my death?"

Wells takes a deep breath. "Your accident has been about nine months ago."

Wow. That hits him hard. He's been gone for almost a year. People he knows may have gotten a child in that period, they will have moved on with their lives, everything would probably just be back to normal... If he ever gets to see the Wests again, does he really want to do that to them? When they've spent such a long time without him? Can he just come back into their lives? He really doesn't know.

His pain must be visible on his face, Wells suddenly looks uneasy too and shoots a look down at his watch before looking over his shoulder to exchange a glance with the man who brought him here. It's clear now, that he wants to leave.

"Mr Allen, I hope we can count on you working with us?"

"I... need to think about it."

Wells nods again. "You can tell Dr Snow what you've decided for in the end. But I'm sure you'll understand how important it is."

And with that he gets led out of the room, leaving Barry alone with his confusion and shock for a moment before the gorillas behind him force him to get up and leave as well.

***

"Dr Snow? Dr Wells has visited me.", Barry says just in time when she wants to leave. They’ve just finished today’s session consisting of repeating this phrase over and over which is slowly starting to give him a headache.

She stops in her movements and turns around to him. "Oh, already?", she asks, although Barry is not sure if you can showing up almost two weeks after first announcing 'already'. "And... did you decide yet?“

Barry shakes his head. "I was just curious... How exactly did he react when everything went down? Weren't there any lawsuits or journalists--?"

She blinks a couple of times. "Oh no, believe me, there were riots. Lots of them actually. Um, Wells made a public announcement where he said it came to complications that are nobody's actual fault probably, and that he'll try to develop a cure."

"What happened to his legs?", Barry asks curiously, driven by the fact that for once Dr Snow talks more than a few syllables that are different from protocol.

"I... Uh, I suppose you can gather information by yourself once you're back at home."

 _Home_? "Does that mean I can leave this place?"

"Eventually.", she says. "Your treatment still goes on for a bit, but in a couple of days your family will visit and then, after yet another few days, you'll be allowed to go home with them."

At that Barry can't help but smile. Only about a week left and he'll finally be back at home, back at normality, he'll see his loved ones again. He seriously hadn't thought it to be possible any more. Three months since the Rising, three months since he's been here? And now he'll finally get home again.

The question is, however: how is he supposed to not go crazy while waiting for them to pick him up?  


***

Turns out it isn't too difficult to wait for the days to pass by. When he isn't talking to Dr Snow, he's in his room and thinks.

He really is considering helping Wells but what keeps him from agreeing just yet is that he doesn't know how exactly it's supposed to work. Wells has said they'd need samples from him but how exactly would they get them? With a syringe like he was donating? He's tried feeling his pulse, both at his wrist and collar, but he hadn't been able to feel anything. Is his heart not beating? Then again, he doesn't feel how cold his bed sheets are when he goes to sleep and he's certain they don't warm them for him. He probably just isn't able to feel the pounding of his heart. So it is probably beating, how else should the serum they give him get into his body and do its part?  
Would Wells be able to find anything new in his blood? Has his DAS been altered? Because technically, he supposes, he's still a human. Just that he's awoken from the dead.

It's been his dream for so long to work with Wells, he's read books from and about him, this local celebrity that yet rarely anyone ever has met. He knows that to work with Harrison Wells, you must be one of the very best. He's flattered really, and in the end he always comes to the conclusion that offering his help will be the best option.

He's been thinking about this for three days. He's glad he finally has something to look forward to, something that gives him the energy again to start counting days.

The fourth day, he tells Dr Snow that he'll work with Wells. She smiles at him and says it's a good decision.

Then she makes him say his mantra and now that he knows what that _untreated state_ is, he understands why she thinks it's so important to her that he repeats it and that he starts to believe it. He might would be able to if only he knew what _he_ has done when he was wild.

"Your family will come around tomorrow.", she tells him when she gets up from her seat. "We actually aren't supposed to tell you this so you don't behave differently but..."

"Thank you, Dr Snow.", Barry gives her a true and wide smile as he waves her goodbye.

Now he can barely be able to keep calm. The visitors seem to come around noon if his encounter with Wells is any indication for how things work around here. He doesn't have a watch but it's been at least an hour after getting his medication that he's gotten led into the big room.

It's afternoon now, maybe four o'clock if his ability to guess time hasn't left him completely. Which means he'll see his family again in less than 24 hours.

He wishes he had something different to wear, he wants to look presentable for them, to show them he's completely okay and back to normal, that he is _back_. But he won't be able to, he'll have to wear this gown, the only visible thing to assure them of normality would be to wear his make-up but if he looks as orange as the others, he's sure it will fail. So he needs to think of a way to _tell_ them about his condition, and make them believe it. Even if he doesn't really.

His morning is basically the same as always, he gets up and goes to get his medication, shows them the wristband he's gotten so they could write down he's taken his meds. Then he goes back into his room and puts on make-up. He even puts some of it onto his hands, tries to make them look normal, too.  

And then he waits. It feels like the first says here again, staring at the wall and his mind is racing. How will they react to seeing them? Will they be scared like Dr Snow used to be (and still is – to a certain degree)? Will they hug him?

It feels like an eternity until the door finally opens, he's even started to wonder if he's done the right thing by telling Wells that he'd help him, maybe it puts him into a different place, maybe he won't be able to see his family after all, but finally the door opens and he can step out of it.

This time there's only one man waiting for him, he's tall and muscular and can crush Barry with one touch probably. He's got a name sewed onto his bright blue shirt. Grodd.

He reminds Barry even more of a gorilla than the others, he's got thick black hair not only on his head but he's grown a full beard as well and you can barely make out skin on his arms.

Grodd leads him into the big room again, makes sure he doesn't try to communicate with other sufferers. He gets settled down at the same table as the last time, one door in front of him, another in his back.

And then he waits.

He starts counting the seconds to keep himself busy.

After 652 seconds, the door is opened.

He spots Joe immediately, tall and sticking out of the crowd. He's wearing a dark suit but then again, he always wears a dark suit. He searches for him too and when their eyes meet, Joe starts to smile and Barry grins as well.

He's missed him. So _much_. Three months without Joe, three months on his own. He doesn't think he's ever acknowledged how much he needs him.

Iris isn't there. He'd seen her immediately, she would have entered with Joe, maybe holding his hand. She'd have seen him even earlier than Joe, she'd have waved at him, smiled, maybe cried. But she isn't there.

His smile may have flickered a bit at that revelation, but he catches it again when Joe starts walking over to him.

Barry wants to get up, go to him, wrap his arms around him, but Grodd puts a hand on his shoulder and presses him down. He's strong but a lot softer than expected.

Joe notices they aren't supposed to hug, probably, so he sits down quickly and grabs Barry's hand. "Oh my god, _Barry_.", he says and for the moment, nothing more.

Barry can't say anything, he squeezes Joe's hand, he's not sure if he's even able to cry but he does his best to keep back tears anyways.

"God, I have _missed_ you.", Joe says and then it hits Barry. Three months for him, nine months for Joe.

And not just that Joe hasn’t _seen_ him for nine months, he’s spent most of his time thinking Barry’s been _dead_. No, he _has_ been dead. Joe’s thought he’d never see him again, whereas _he_ hasn’t even had the chance to progress all of that.

“Hi, Joe.”, he finally manages to say. His voice cracks under emotion, under joy, hurt, feelings he can’t even describe. He wishes he could reach over, that he could consume the contact they’ve both been missing for so long but he’s sure if he tried to, Grodd would put him back into place again.

So he has to keep holding onto his hand that he barely even feels, he can’t tell if Joe’s hands are cold or warm or sweaty, and smile at him.

“That’s that mousse you’re wearing?”, Joe asks, trying to make conversation, “Makes you look even paler.”

Barry snorts. “You should see me without it.”

Joe grimaces at that. _Okay_ , so it might be too early for bad jokes.

“Um… Where’s Iris?”, he asks then to lead their minds somewhere else.

“Oh, uh, she’s busy… at work.”, Joe tells him carefully, probably to assure that Barry won’t be mad at her. “She’d have come, I’m sure.”

“Is Jitters still that busy?”, Barry asks, curious what has happened during his absence.

“Actually… barely anyone goes to Jitters nowadays.”, Joe tells him. “I mean it’s slowly getting better again, more than a few months ago, but they had to fire a few people… Iris too.”

Barry raises an eyebrow. Why did they stop going to Jitters? When he’s been around, it’s almost been impossible to find a single seat (he’s been lucky to be Iris’ best friend and therefore he has been allowed to sit behind the counter sometimes). And suddenly people shall have stopped going there just like that? Joe said it’s been worse months ago. Were they too scared to go outside because of the Rising? Were they never safe from fearing the attacks? Have they caught all sufferers now, making it possible for the people to go outside again?

“But she found a new one?”, he asks slowly.

Joe nods. “Yeah, of course she has. Journalism.”

At that Barry smiles again. Iris has found herself interested in writing articles years ago already but never dared to ask for an internship despite Barry telling her over and over again that she is good enough for it, definitely.

“Picture News?”

Joe nods. “Newspaper isn’t produced anymore, it takes too long. Even if it gets typed down live, it won’t be as fast on the internet as on TV.”

“Oh.”, Barry makes. A lot has changed in the past months. “What about you?”

“Me?”, Joe laughs. “I’m fine, really, better than fine even, I’d say. You’re back!”

Barry looks at him. He really looks fine at first with his smile shining down on him, but actually he can spot more wrinkles on his face than before and he seems to have lost some weight.

“How’s work?”

Joe hesitates for a moment. “Not the same.”

Barry waits for him to go on.

“It’s… not catching thieves any more. We’re basically not police anymore.”

“So what do you do then?”, Barry asks, frowning in confusion.

“We…”, Joe stops himself and shoots a look to each of his sides, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. “Can we… um, not talk about this now? I’m just so happy that you’re back.”

Barry nods although he doesn’t actually want to change the subject, he wants to know what’s out there, what has happened, why is Joe so uncomfortable? But he doesn’t want to startle him even more, so he goes with it.

“ _God_ , I’m glad I didn’t turn your room into a gym after all.”

“We both know you wouldn’t have done it anyways.”, Barry answers with a grin. “Wait. Why?”

“You’re living with us again, of course!”, Joe says in a tone that suggests he can’t believe that it isn’t obvious.

It does make sense, actually. He won’t feel comfortable on his own, probably, and also, nine months after his death. His flat won’t be his flat any more, his stuff is probably taken out, someone else living there now. Maybe he doesn’t even own anything anymore except for the things that Joe and Iris had decided to keep. And what would that be, really? Probably an old toy of his, something very old, nothing you _need_ but everything to _remember_.

Barry smiles. “Sounds nice.”

“Anything happen to you? They’re nice here, right?”, Joe asks and Barry thinks, _always the father_.

“It’s boring.”, Barry shrugs. “Nothing happens here, really, except that Harrison Wells visited me-“

“Wells visited you? What did he want?”, Joe asks with a stern voice.

“He, um, he asked for my help to understand why the… _Rising_ … happened and how to stop—“

“What did you say?”

“I agreed eventually.”, Barry says and when he sees Joe’s critical look, he adds, “It would be good, wouldn’t it? We’re going to develop a cure and everything will be back to normal…”

Joe frowns. “Wells is not exactly the most popular person nowadays. In fact, he needs security.”

“People are blaming him, I can imagine. But he’s looking for a solution!”

“I know. And he might be able to produce one. But I don’t you to get into any trouble.”

“I know. I won't,” Barry promises. “Thank you.”

“Any time.”

Behind Barry, Grodd huffs, tells him it’s time to go back into his room. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to let go of this _almost_ normality, he wants to stay with Joe, go home with him but… not today.

He’s been told that he can’t go with Joe immediately and although he doesn’t understand the reason, he’s accepted it. But now that he’s actually faced with him, now that going home is an option, he is not sure if he actually can do it, if he can stay here, go back into the white boredom he's been living in for days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apart from the obligatory **Death and Depression TW** , please mind **Emetophobia and Fear of Needles/Syringes** for this chapter.

Barry is mentally shaking when he gets led out of his room again a few days later. This time it hasn't taken too long after his morning routine and he can only imagine that it's finally the day he'll be allowed to go home with Joe. 

His visit has been only three days ago, it's actually quite fast in comparison to everything else that goes on around here. This time Grodd isn't around, he's led by two other men he doesn't know. They lead him down the hall, into the opposite direction of the visitor's room and once they've left the hallway, they open a massive metal door and for a moment Barry is really concerned because it all just seems so secretive but maybe the other sufferers aren't supposed to see him leaving, maybe it could cause a riot because they want to go, too? 

He raises an eyebrow however, when they get outside and Dr Snow stands next to a black van, obviously waiting for him. Is she here for a last check-up before he leaves? Why didn't she come into his room like usually? 

"Good morning, Barry.", she says. "You probably haven't been informed about what is about to happen next."

This certainly does not sound like they're just gonna drive him home. He raises an eyebrow at her and waits that she continues. 

"For today, we're gonna drive to STAR Labs and run a few tests before you get to go home in a few days."

In a few days? He's supposed to wait some more? He's pretty sure any longer and he'll die again of old age. Is he even able to die again? Is he doomed to stay alive forever now? 

"Those tests are necessary so we can note if there's anything different about you in the clinic and you at home.", Dr Snow continues. "You'll also be introduced to everything in the laboratory so once you're back at home, you'll be able to properly help us." 

He can't do anything but nod. After all, he has agreed that he'd help Wells, and if that's part of it, he'll tag along. 

He climbs into the van after Dr Snow and is a bit startled when none of the security guards enters the car as well. 

 

 

She must have noticed his confusion because she says, "I've been alone in a room with you enough times and you've taken all of your medication and responded to the treatment pretty well. You are no obvious source of danger." 

 _No_ obvious _source. Obvious._ He swallows and nods. 

"Have you been working with Wells even before the Rising?",  Barry asks after a while. 

Dr Snow nods. "I've actually been there the night it happened. I haven't been exactly included in the development of the accelerator, but I've been around before and allowed to witness the start.", she says, sounding quite sad. It must've been a disaster for her to see that the accelerator didn't do what it was supposed to do but started a zombie apocalypse. 

"Was it nice working with him?"

"Dr Wells is a very dedicated man.", Dr Snow answers, sounding a bit defiant for some reason and avoiding an answer. 

"How long is it to STAR?"

"About ten more minutes.", she says.  "Barry, I understand that you're very curious but _you_ must understand I can't possibly inform you about _everything_ that happened ever since you... were gone."

"I... Of course. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be annoying.", Barry answers carefully as he watches her massage the bridge of her nose. 

Their eyes meet for a second before Dr Snow nods with a stern look on her face. 

They keep silent for the rest of the drive.

 

 

Barry can't hide his excitement once they get out of the van. Being faced with STAR Labs not only to pass by like he used to do but that he is actually about to enter the building he's dreamed about for so long, he stares up at the huge building,  mouth almost hanging open in awe.

This time, they walk through the normal entrance and Barry notices that although he's basically clinging onto Dr Snow (metaphorically, he doesn't touch her but he doesn't miss one of her steps) he's still kind of on his own. No big man watching each of _his_ steps, nobody who directs what _he_ does, he's _free_. 

Even the halls are big, too big for living in the rooms but big enough to build magnificent things inside. 

They walk through a glass door and then they're there. Barry sees artificial arms hanging in the air, unused. There are a lot of computers, all of them turned out just yet. There's no sight of Wells or anyone, not behind the desks, not on the lounger-- but for the moment, it doesn't seem odd to him. 

He steps forward, touches the inventions softly with his finger tips so that he won't break anything. He doesn't feel if they've been used some time ago, he can't tell if they're still a bit warm or entirely cold, but inside of him, he's overwhelmed that he's finally here. 

"Please lie down on the lounger, Barry.", Dr Snow tells him and although he doesn't particularly want to, he does as he's told. 

She asks him to take off his shirt and he does it as well, feeling slightly embarrassed when he remembers that his body doesn't even look the same as it used to. He looks down at it, white as a sheet, he sees some scars on his side, blue and grey against the pale skin.

She puts some electrodes on his back, back, arms and legs and connects them to the device, tells him again to lie down and starts the machine. He remembers how you feel the electrodes into your skin, but he doesn't feel it _right now_.

He wonders if it isn't an ECG after all, maybe it's something new that wells and his team have developed. What could it be? What is it supposed to measure then?

A few minutes later Dr Snow tells him to sit up again and takes the electrodes off his body. He looks down and sees that they did suck into his skin, he just hasn't been able to feel it. Which makes sense because he barely ever feels something physical nowadays.

“Your heart _is_ beating.”, she tells him with a look at the monitor. Then she turns it around so that he can see it as well.

And it's true, his heart is beating, it's very slow, the line jumps maybe twice a minute, but it _is_ beating. He _is_ alive despite everything.

She asks him to stretch out his arms and when he does it, she takes a syringe and takes some blood from his arm.

Barry almost can't believe how normal it looks. It may be a bit thicker and a lot darker than blood usually is, like it's been an older sample, but you can still label it as blood.

They run some more tests, Dr Snow checks his brain activity for a few minutes, he has to test his stamina on a bike, she listens to his lungs during breathing in and out deeply.

When she gives him something to eat, Barry frowns.

“I... don't feel hungry.“, he tells her.

“I know. But we need to check up on your digestion.”

“No, I mean. I don't... ever. Not since I'm back.”

She sighs and nods. “I _know_.”

And with that he reaches for the cereal bar she's holding.

He regrets it almost immediately.

He starts panting and breathing really fast, can barely tell that he needs a bucket, he suddenly feels so _sick_ and as soon as Dr Snow's run for a bucket and put it into his lap, he throws up.

There are rests of the bar mixed with some kind of black liquid, he doesn't want to look at it for too long. It's pretty disgusting and he settles down the bucket.

But he's feeling completely okay again.

“I'm sorry.”, he tells her, feeling some embarrassment creeping up on him.

“Don't be.”, she says, sounding honest, and puts her hand onto his arm – probably without thinking. “It was pretty helpful, actually.”

They're almost finished afterwards, Dr Snow only checks his eyes' reaction to light then and takes a look at his scars. He doesn't know if they've actually bothered to close the wounds after he died or if them being there is a response of his body to being alive again.

Dr Snow can't tell him either.

And then Barry's allowed to put on his shirt again.

Just when he's dressed again, the door behind Dr Snow gets opened and Wells enters the room, another man behind him. He's tall, almost as tall as Barry, a bit overweight maybe, he can't really tell because his clothes are wide. His hair is grey and his nose has some marks that make him guess he used to wear glasses a lot. His skin is almost orange.

“Ah, good that you're still here, Mr Allen.”, Wells smiles at him. “How are the results?”, he adds with a look at Dr Snow.

She's been staring at the man behind Wells but blinks when she's addressed. “Oh, fairly normal actually.”, she responds. “Heart's barely beating, food can't be digested but leads to sickness. But that's about it.”

“Good.”, Wells nods. Then he shoots a look back at the man behind him. “May I introduce? Barry Allen, this is Professor Doctor Martin Stein. He's quite respected for his works concerning physics.”

Barry can barely keep his mouth closed. He's heard about Stein pretty often, when he was studying, there wasn't a day when his theories weren't discussed. How is it that he only meets that fascinating men after he died?

“Nice to meet you, Mr Allen.”, Stein says, stepping forward to shake his hand. “How did you die?”

For a moment, Barry can't do anything but stare at him, shocked by how direct the other man is about that topic.

“Uh, car crash.”, he says then.

“Oh, that's something! That went by pretty fast, I can imagine. Faster than mine at last.”, he laughs and doesn't notice he's the only one who does. “Cancer. Lymphoma.”

“Oh, that's-- I'm sorry.”

“Ah, doesn't matter. Now we're both alive and healthy, aren't we?”

Barry raises an eyebrow. He's not sure if he'll be able to get along with this man.

“Professor Stein is not only an expert for bio-metrical issues, but he's also the... well, the oldest PDS sufferer, in a sense.”, Wells explains.

“'In a sense'?”, Barry repeats.

“I'd been dead for almost five years when the Rising happened.”, Stein says.

Barry nods slowly. He remembers that at the Rising, nobody who's been dead for more than five years has woken up. “So... we're the youngest and the oldest sufferers?”

Wells nods as Stein smiles, saying, “You're fast. I like that. I'd have loved to have you as my student, probably.”

Somehow Barry is touched.

“I'll run the same tests with Professor Stein now as Dr Snow did with you.”, Wells tells him. “It's really amazing how both of you will be able to help us in more than just one way.”

Dr Snow touches his shoulder softly. “Come, Barry, it's time for you to go back.”

“I-- can't I stay a bit longer?”, he asks. He hasn't been able to look at anything here just yet, he wants try out some devices that Wells has built himself, he wants to see more of this building-- and he doesn't want to go back into the clinic. He doesn't want to spend his time staring at walls again when he could be here, when he could explore things, when he could be around people--

Dr Snow shakes her head. “You've not officially been dismissed yet.”

He pouts without even planning to and causes her to give him a little smile as she shakes her head.

“Sorry.”, she tells him. “But only a few more days.”

He could say no, probably. There's no way she could make him go back into the van, But then again, what would that mean for him? Would it count as being on the run? How would he receive his medication?

Right now, giving in seems like the best option.

He sighs and nods. “Goodbye, Dr Wells. It was nice meeting you, Professor Stein.”

“And we'll meet again.”, Stein says.

Then Barry and Dr Snow walk out of the room, leave the building. Actually, she looks quite angry, she's not her calm self like usually, and Barry decides it would be the best not to talk to her too much.

What he doesn't expect is that _she_ starts talking as soon as they're in the van again. “Professor Stein seems pretty happy that he's alive again, don't you think?”, she says, spitting out the words.

“Well, I--”, Barry starts and is almost happy she cuts him off. He's not even sure what he's planned to answer. Is _he_ happy to be alive again?

“He acts like everything fine-- he doesn't even care about others--”

“You knew him, didn't you?”, Barry asks before he can stop himself.

He wishes he'd been able to when he sees the evil glance Dr Snow gives him.

“Yes, I _knew_ him.”, is everything she says and then she keeps quiet again for the rest of the drive.

And Barry stays confused.

 

 

He's even more confused when a huge building come into sight, now that he's feeling melancholic again, he's staring out of the window and noticed it's Iron Heights they're driving to. Is he really going back to the clinic? Or is he going to visit his father?

The car stops and they step out of it. Barry freezes when he sees Joe stand in front of a police car, a young blond man next to him. And then he just runs up to him and finally, _finally_ wraps his arms around him. He doesn't feel the warmth of Joe's body, but it's a mental connection that kicks in. He buries himself in Joe's arms, and only looks up when he hears him say, “It's okay, Eddie.”

Barry loosens himself a bit in the embrace and sees the blond man eyeing him.

“Everything okay with you, Bar?”, Joe asks him, driving some distance between their bodies to look at him. “Did they do anything to you?”

“What? No! I'm fine.”, Barry says. Why is Joe panicking so much?

“Why did you take him? _Where_ did you take him? And why doesn't Singh know?”, Joe asks Dr Snow instead of talking to him.

“I-- Mr Singh does know-- he-- Dr Wells has talked to him--!”, she exclaims, puzzled, looking from one of them to the other. She seems as confused as Barry.

Why would Singh want to know where he's going? He isn't watched by the police, is he? And why is Joe saying he didn't know when Dr Snow is certain he has been informed?”

“I swear-- one of these days I'll drive a bullet through his head.”, Joe says between clenched teeth.

“Joe.”, the blond says and touches Joe's shoulder. “This has to be a big misunderstanding. I'm sure Dr Snow would never have taken him if she was aware that Singh doesn't know.”

“What are you even doing here?”, Barry asks. “I'm not supposed to go home yet, am I?”, he looks over to Dr Snow.

Has she been wrong? Will he get to leave today already? Is Joe here to pick him up? He starts smiling at that thought.

But Dr Snow shakes her head, giving him a sad look.

“We've been around for work and I've talked Singh into letting me you see you-- and then we notice you aren't in your room!”, Joe says. “Why is he outside when he can't go home yet?”

“We had to run a few tests before he gets to be back in his normal environment.”, Dr Snow says. “I'm sorry, Detective West--”

“I'm gonna talk to Singh. If your doctor thinks you can go out, Bar, then you certainly can go home as well.”, Joe says and lets go of Barry at last. He stalks up to the building.

Barry just keeps standing there, staring after him. So now he's gonna go home after all? Why is all of this so confusing?

“Detective Thawne, I swear, if I had known--”

Thawne nods at her. “I know. That's what I've said, remember? You wouldn't let one of them out if you hadn't been allowed to.”

He ignores Barry entirely, talks of him as if he isn't there. _One of them_. That sounds so... villainous. Who is he even? Joe's said they'd been working, so he must be his partner? What happened to Chyre?

“Barry.”, Dr Snow says suddenly. “If you do get to go home now, I must give you some instructions. I'm sure you won't forget it anyways, but it is my duty to remind you to take your serum right after waking up. If you can't take it yourself, let a family member inject it. Put on your--”

Barry interrupts her. “Mousse. Yes, I know, Dr Snow.”, he smiles at her. She's pretty sure he'll leave today!

“One more thing, Barry.”, she tells him. “Don't stress yourself too much. It could affect the serum.”

Barry nods although he's not quite sure what exactly to think of that. What is that serum even made of? It will probably be a good basis for a permanent cure, won't it?

He shoots a look at Thawne again who still seems to ignore him. Maybe he wants to grant him some privacy when he's getting his last medical instructions? He's pressing his lips together, leans against the car car with his arms crossed in front of his chest and stares at the clinic's door.

Barry's not sure what to think of him just yet. He seems kinda arrogant to him right now, but then again, he doesn't know him at all. If he really is Joe's partner, he's sure he'll hear enough about him soon to get a real picture.

“Please remember to repeat the sentence both in the mornings and in the evening.”, Dr Snow starts again. “And whenever you feel uncomfortable about your condition.”

Barry smiles at her. He's not sure if she really just reminds him over and over again because she has to or because she _wants_ to. Somehow he thinks it might be the latter.

“Thank you, Dr Snow.”, he says again.

She smiles back..

They stay silent for a few more minutes until Joe comes out of the building again, carrying a small basket under his arm and breathing a bit more heavily than you'd suppose. But he's smiling.

“What did Singh say?”, Thawne wants to know before Barry can even think of asking.

“What does it look like?”, Joe answers and hands Barry the basket. It's closed so he can't tell what's inside but it is pretty heavy, he almost drops it when Joe lets go of it.

“Well, then... goodbye, Barry.”, Dr Snow says and touches his arm lightly. “See you over at STAR.”

“Don't be too sure about that.”, Joe huffs and gives her yet another angry look.

Barry looks at him, then at Dr Snow, down to the basket and then he sees Thawne stare at him with narrowed eyes.

He's actually going home? For real this time? He almost can't believe it, not after today, not when he's thought that so often and the hope got crushed over and over again. But Joe smiles at him and says, “Well, get in the car, will you, Bar?”

And he does without any more questions, not daring to wait any second longer. If he gets into the car now, it's definite. Nobody will get him out of it again, not until he's finally at Joe's. He climbs into the back seat, places the basket onto the seat next to him and puts on his belt, feeling like a small child on their way to Disney Land. Nothing will stop him from leaving now.

He watches Joe exchange a few more words with Dr Snow, Thawne chiming in a few times, until he finally corners the car and enters it as well.

Thawne talks to Dr Snow a bit longer but gets inside as well after a minute or two. As soon as he's closed the door behind himself, he presses a button on the console that opens both his and Joe's windows. Joe gives him a look that Barry can't determine from his position but doesn't say anything.

Then he starts the car and turns down the volume of the radio. Barry can see how he looks at him in the mirror. “So, what were those tests that Wells did on you?”

“Uh... Wells wasn't there actually. Dr Snow did some basic things. Check the heart, take some blood. The usual.”, Barry says.

“Wells was _not_ there?”, Joe repeats. “Takes you out without permission and isn't even around?”

“Well, I--”

“What were the results?”, Thawne interrupts him. Barry can't say if he sounds curious or suspecting.

He hesitates for a moment. He doesn't know if he's allowed to share information at all, let alone with a stranger. But it's something that may be able to help everybody after all, isn't it? So it probably is okay that he tells someone from the police.

“Blood's a bit thicker and blackish, heart is beating very, very slowly, and I can't eat anything.”, he answers, a bit uneasy about the last thing. That is definitely something that just screams that he is not normal.

“Your hearts _are_ beating?”, Thawne repeats. He's looking out of the window but Barry can guess he's raising an eyebrow.

“Apparently.”

“Wow, that's something new.”, Joe says.

Barry frowns. He's not sure how many people have been allowed to leave the clinic before him, but he certainly can't be the first person that Wells has run tests on, can he? Sure, he may have a different status with being the youngest sufferer and all that, but won't they investigate about other sufferers as well? It would only make sense.

But apparently, that's not the case, or maybe Wells hasn't told the police because Joe and Thawne seem to be pretty surprised.

“Bet Wells wouldn't have told us about that.”, Thawne says as if he's read Barry's mind.

“Of course he wouldn't. Wells doesn't tell _anybody anything_.”, Joe answers, sounding pretty angry. “He lives by his own rules completely, thinks he doesn't have to listen to the doctors at the clinic because he's an _expert_ \-- we have to visit him later, after today he can't just continue--”

“I'll talk to him.”, Thawne says. “We don't want you to become a murderer. Also, I think you are needed at home.”

Barry knows that he's talking about him, but for a second, he can't help but be alarmed and think something's wrong with _Iris_ . Will she be there when they arrive? Will she be around to tell him how glad she is that he's back? _Is_ she glad that he's back? (He's actually sure that she is -- they're best friends, they're family, why wouldn't she be? – but some minor anxious part of his mind keeps repeating that question a dozen of times.)

They keep silent for a while, Barry looks out of the window, the air stream blowing into his face. His eyes meet the mirror a few times, granting him a look at Thawne. The man looks concentrated on something, lips pressed together tightly while he looks onto the street with narrowed eyes.

They may not know each other, but Barry feels pretty offended that Thawne ignores him so blatantly. He acts like Barry insults him just by being there, makes him angry without any reason to.

He wonders when Thawne has even started his duty. Nine months ago, there hasn't even been a talk about a new transfer, let alone a new partner for Joe since he got along with Chyre just fine. He's even come to a few baseball matches that Joe has taken him and Iris to. Chyre hasn't been much older than Joe, so he wouldn't have retired. So where is he? Did he have to go somewhere else?

From their interactions, Barry can guess that Thawne has been around for quite some time already, not just a few days or weeks. He's still a bit careful around Joe, shoots glances at him for assurance but they're also full of trust.

He spends the rest of the drive thinking about where Thawne suddenly came from, being excited to go home at last and also considering if Joe's home will be the same as before.

It is the same house of course, the blue colour is still the same, it hasn't even faded a bit since the last time he's been here, it seems like no time has passed here at all, the grass burnt brown from the summer's sun that's only nowadays getting darker, it must be September as he quickly remembers, not December--

He jumps out of the car as soon as it stops, parked in front of the house. He hears the other doors open behind him and just when he takes a step forward, a hand grabs his wrist and pulls him back. It's a strong grip, he almost falls down on his back and when he looks back, he sees that it's Thawne who's holding him back.

“You need to wait for us.”, Thawne says, his voice having an aggressive tone but his eyes looking almost bored, and lets Barry's arm go again.

Barry keeps staring at him, frowning. Who does he think he is, telling Barry what to do, just touching him without his consent, why would he think he can give him orders at _Joe's_ place? He looks up to Joe, watches him climb into the back-seat to get the basket that Barry's forgotten there. Ether he's unaware of the scene or ignores it because when Barry can see his face, he's smiling.

“So, welcome home then, Bar.”, Joe grins at him, places a hand on his back and starts to push him softly into the direction of the door.

Barry's smiling now as well, he's still confused about Thawne's behaviour but at the same time, he's so glad to be here again, finally something he's used to, something that doesn't make him feel like an outlier all the time.

He opens the door himself and steps inside – keeps standing in the door-frame. He closes his eyes without planning to, listening to the comfortable silence. Joe laughs at that and claps against his back so he continues walking.

It's completely the same. The open door frame to the living room on the left, couch and TV at the same spots. Restroom on the right, down the hall Joe's office and the kitchen. It's the same as years ago, still the same as when he's first come to live with Joe and Iris. He's walking into the living room, lets his hand touch the fabric of the couch and although he can't really feel it, it is the same. He looks back at Joe who's watching him, and gives him a smile.

“I'll go talk to Wells now.”, Thawne says suddenly. Barry hadn't even noticed him standing behind Joe, he's quite small. “Tell Iris I'll stop by later? I mean... if that's alright?”, and suddenly he looks different, almost insecure as he gives Joe a sheepish smile.

Joe nods only and then Thawne leaves.

They stay silent for a while, listening to the car's engine until it drives away.

“Your room's still the same.”, Joe tells him. “Wanna take a look?”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apart from the obligatory **Death and Depression TW** , please mind **Fear of Needles/Syringes and Panic Attacks** for this chapter.

Barry believes him, he knows Joe never really planned to turn it into a home gym at all, not even when he's thought Barry's never return, he's too nostalgic for that, but he nods anyways. He needs those moments of normality, so he rushes past Joe and up the stairs, taking two steps at once, and turns to the left as soon as he's all the way up. The door's standing open a bit and when he presses the palm of his hand against it, he sees how there's still a post of a band he used to like on the wall. His bed is made, a few pieces of clothing on it, an old teddy bear spread on top of them. The books on the shelf above his desk are still in correct order. It looks like he's never left, not even visible that he's lived on his own for two years when he'd figured it was time to stop relying on Joe any more when he even earned his own money.

The green curtains are closed in front of the window, their heavy edges lying on the brown of the carpet. He smiles when he remembers how Iris had always complained what an ugly combination that is and yet it's still here.

“Welcome home again, Bar.”, Joe says again, as if he couldn't say it often enough.

Once again, Barry runs up to him, puts him into an embrace, and this time, he starts sobbing. Finally he's home, he'll see everyone he knew again, he'll have something _to do_ again-- he's overwhelmed, he hadn't exactly realized how lonely he's really been-

“Hey, it's okay--”, Joe starts and pats his back. “They didn't do anything to you, did they?”

Barry shakes his head but doesn't take it off the crook of Joe's neck. He needs this for the moment. He's sure they both need it.

After a few more minutes of holding on to each other, breathing in the familiar scents (although Barry is certain he does not smell like he usually does), just _feeling_ like he's home, Joe murmurs, "Let's get you settled. Come on, son." 

Barry nods but doesn't let go off him immediately. He pulls him closer again, as if he is trying to press all those hugs they've missed out of him, to get back everything they may have lost in the past year, maybe he'll be able to feel him at least a bit-- and then he finally backs off and lets him breathe. "I love you, Joe." 

Joe gives him a smile full of affection, "Love you, too." 

And then they head downstairs, back into the living room and Joe presses him down onto the couch. Then he reaches over for the basket he'd placed on the table earlier and opens it. 

Barry has actually pretty much forgotten about it but now the curiosity is back, he's leaning forward to get a look at what's inside and actually, he should've known. There's a syringe and a few little capsules neatly placed around it, and two packages of mousse. Apparently, that's all he needs to live. 

"Okay, so... Those are enough for about a month, afterwards we'll have to go to a check-up at the clinic anyway, so then you'll get some new serum.", Joe explains. "I guess I'm gonna keep it? Did you learn to give it to yourself?" 

Barry shakes his head and takes out one of the small glasses, rolling it in his hand and watching the liquid follow the movement. It looks like water, actually. Well, not clear water, water form a pond with seaweed in it, causing it to have a greenish colour, but still see-through. He'll have to ask Wells if he knows what is inside of it that keeps the sufferers normal. 

"We'll work on that together.", Joe says and Barry takes a moment to realise what he's talking about. 

"Alright."

"You wanna go and change into some of your own clothes?", Joe wants to know. 

Barry looks down at himself, he's still wearing the white clothes he's gotten at the hospital, way to big for him and the itching has been annoying him for weeks. Wearing his own clothes sounds like a dream coming true, right in this moment. "Yeah, that sounds awesome, actually. I'm just, um, gonna head upstairs? Again." 

Joe chuckles. "Yeah, you do that. Oh, and take this with you.", he hands him the mousse. 

Barry takes it and while going upstairs, he looks at the plastic it's put in. It's actually exactly the same as in the clinic, but at the same time it looks so different here, at home, in natural lighting, not everything else in white.  It might just look okay. 

In his room he takes some more time to take it in now, he sees small changes, there are some things placed on the boards that he's sure he hasn't owned before, and he notices how some of his books aren't there, they must've been taken away when they realised he'd never come back to read them again. 

He opens his wardrobe, looks at the neatly folded clothes. They've put some of that away as well. He takes out an old pair of jeans and a sweater, something familiar that makes him feel like home even more. 

He's just looking at himself in the mirror to take in that he _looks_ almost normal again when he hears the door downstairs getting locked open.

He considers running down the stairs again, but quickly throws that thought away. He shouldn't shock Iris like that, she hasn't even seen him like this before, it's been a whole different thing with Joe, and Barry doesn't even know if she's seen a PDS sufferer before.

He steps down the stairs carefully after making sure his clothes and make-up look neat, he's trying not to make sounds too loud and at the same time he tries not to be completely silent because how creepy would that be? 

Iris is standing in the hall, facing the couch and talking to her dad who's sitting on it. Apparently Joe hasn't mentioned that he's home yet because then Iris wouldn't still be here talking to him, Barry's sure. He guesses Joe wants to surprise her. 

"Did Eddie say if he's coming for dinner?", Iris asks. 

"He's just at STAR Labs right now, talking to Wells.", Joe says and Barry can tell how hard it is for him not to grin. 

"What does he want from Wells? Something new about the Rising?"

"No, uh, basically Wells kinda kidnapped Barry earlier.", Joe says and when he sees Barry's face at that, he finally bursts out a laughter.

   
"He did _not_ kidnap me! I promised I'd help him and that was the first step.", Barry means it, he hasn't felt threatened at STAR Labs or anything, he's been there voluntary, but he starts grinning nonetheless because now Iris is dropping her bag and turning around to him with big eyes. 

"Barry!", she calls, for the moment unable to move. "I thought you wouldn't get to be home for another week?!" 

"Well," Barry says and walks down the last few steps until he's standing in front of Iris. He's scratching the back of his head with a little smile. "Things happened and now I'm here." 

"Now you're here.", Iris repeats and looks up at him, something like disbelief in her eyes. "Hi." 

"Hi, Iris."

And then they hug, it's a hard one, he basically has to catch Iris because she almost jumped up at his neck, and she starts crying immediately. Barry pulls her closer, his arms tightly around her body, his head pressed against her hair. 

He's missed her. So much. She's always been there for him, when he's been bullied in school, when he's felt left out at college, she's made him feel safe in a world that just so seemed to hate him. And now she's here again. 

"I'm so sorry-- I'm-- You _died_ \--"

"Hey," he makes, "shh, everything's fine, I'm here."

She lets out another big sob. "But you weren't." 

"And now I am.", he laughs. "It's okay." 

She pulls him even closer, as if she wants to merge them to make sure he won't go away again.

They break off the embrace but Iris takes his hand, brushing her fingers over the back of it, and he smiles at that although he doesn't really feel it. 

"It's great you're back.", Iris says quietly. Then she looks at her father. "Did they bring him here?" 

Barry takes a look at her. She does look kind of the same, but at the same time she doesn't. There are minor wrinkles on her forehead, her clothes are a bit thicker than they'd usually be, but maybe she's just not sure of the weather. Minor things about her that tell you how she's changed, how she's grown, in how much pain she must have been when he's been dead, but nonetheless she looks stunning and he's so glad, so _so_ glad to see her smiling. 

"I did. With Eddie."

“With Eddie? Seriously?”, Iris' smile falls for a second before she catches herself, "Oh. Okay. So did he say anything?"

"Stopping by later." 

Iris nods and lets go off Barry's hand at last. "Do you need to go to work again?" 

"Uh, I don't think so? Eddie's got it covered for me, I guess."

"Great," Iris laughs. "Then it's your turn with making dinner. I gotta head back."

"Me? Dinner?", Joe opens his eyes widely which makes Barry chuckle. Sure, Joe barely ever cooked once he and Iris were able to it themselves, but he recalls that Joe used to make great meals. 

"I'm sure Barry will help you."

At that it's his turn to be startled. "I, um, I-- I can't eat--" 

"What?", Iris raises an eyebrow. 

"Comes with the whole PDS thing," he replies and shrugs as if it is the most normal thing. He needs to tell himself so. He's back to his normal life, he is almost normal, he should feel normal. 

"Okay?", she slowly says. Then she adds, "That doesn't mean you can't cook. Just let dad taste it." 

Barry has never been this glad to have to do chores. "Aye, Captain." 

"Good boy," Iris jokes and pats his shoulder. Then she leans down to kiss her dad's cheek. "I need to leave again. Oh, Barry, I'm so glad you're back!" 

And with that she leaves again. Barry is aware that she didn't kiss his cheek like she used to do, but he's not sure what to make out of it.

 

***

 

The meal that Iris has bought ingredients for yesterday already turns out to be not that difficult to make. It's some vegetables in a pan that need to be fried, so it really is pretty easy and fast to make in general. What takes up, though, is cutting the bell pepper, zucchini, everything else and especially the tomatoes.

In Barry's defense, he's never been that much of a fast worker, when he's needed to do something for work, it's always needed to be precise, and if that means being slower, he'd just have to go with it. Cutting vegetables has never been his favourite things to do, especially when he can't eat them, but right now, he's happy he has something to do that makes him feel normal.

Joe has told him a few times he doesn't need to help him, it wouldn't be fair since he won't be eating any of this anyway, but he's declined, it would feel stupid to sit next to Joe and watch him do everything on his own, and he doesn't wanna spend time alone in his room just yet, not when he's just come out of a building where he's been alone for 80 percent of the time.

It's nice sitting here with Joe, chatting as if nothing has happened and at the same time to be so aware of it. Joe's filling him in on sports, tells him their favourite baseball team has lost, as usual, and Barry laughs at it because it really does feel like he hasn't missed it, even when Joe is going into a deep description about someone breaking their bat when they've lost.

It's around that time, during laughter and explanation and cutting, that the bell rings, and Barry, completely back in normal mood, goes to open it without any second thinking, without asking Joe if it's okay that he goes, without even thinking why he shouldn't. So he's walking to the door, opening it and his grin only falls when he sees who's standing there.

It's Thawne, he's standing there with his hands in his pockets, revealing the gun at his side. He doesn't look at Barry, doesn't say hello as he walks past him and tries not to touch him at all.

 _What a nice guy_ , Barry thinks.

He follows him back into the kitchen and sees how Thawne leans against the counter, starting to talk to Joe.

“So, Wells said he won't do it again, he's really sorry he didn't tell you or Singh. The usual.”, Thawne says. “I pointed out how it could be then that he told Dr Snow that we knew and then he went on with excuses that don't make sense, probably, but you just get so tired of listening to that guy, honestly...”

“What did Wells do to you that you dislike him so much?”, Barry asks calmly, he's directing his question at Joe, for one because he can play the same game as Thawne and second, if he looked at Thawne while asking he may would get a bit aggressive.

“Um,” Joe starts, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

“The Rising's basically been his fault,” Thawne interrupts him. “Nobody's been a real fan of it.”

Barry sits down. Sure, with all the attacks that Wells has told him about, he can imagine that people haven't thought too well of the Rising at first, but now that everything has calmed down, they surely must see the bright sides of it as well. He can't be the only one who's been missed by his family, he's sure there are at least a dozen other people who are just as glad as Joe and Iris to have their relatives back.

“But he's helping, isn't he?”

“Yeah, sure he is.”, Thawne says and almost laughs at him.

“It's just... with him not playing after the rules, he could get people in danger. One day he'll get you into his office from here in your sleep before you even got your serum.”, Joe says calmly. “You get where I'm heading?”

At that Barry can only nod. If the serum is really the only thing that keeps him from going crazy, he can understand why that would be so dangerous, he can understand why Joe wants him to be so careful.

He takes up cutting the cucumbers again. “Can I ask why Singh is in charge of that... clinic?”

His eyes immediately dart up to Thawne again, expecting that he decides to answer instead of Joe again, but the blond man keeps quiet, surprising Barry.

“I, uh, I told you how the Police isn't exactly the Police anymore?”

Barry nods, waiting for him to continue.

“There hasn't been much common crime going on ever since the Rising. People've been scared. So basically, the only thing bothering us would've been the wild Sufferers.”, Joe tells him. “So we're not the Police any more but the HVF--”

“Human Volunteer Force,” Thawne adds, in a proud voice.

“We're helping to catch those who've gone wild, protect the inhabitants, you know?”, Joe finishes. He turns around to Thawne, “Beer?”

Thawne turns to the fridge and grabs two bottles out of it, hands one to Joe and keeps the other to himself. 

"So, basically the police is still there, but more focused on the sufferers. And since they're all brought to the clinic, Singh is in charge.", Joe says. 

“Which means,” Thawne says, “All the original police men are sitting at home, too scared to make a move, while we and a few others try to keep the city safe.”

Even though Joe shoots him an angry look, probably because of the missing respect for his former co-workers, Thawne does nothing but shrug.

“Which others? Do I know them?”

Joe shakes his head. “One of them has actually had a few fines already for robberies. He's called Leonard Snart, I don't know if you've ever been on one of his cases?”, he asks and when Barry shakes his head, he continues, “The other's called Mick Rory.”

“They're no nice guys,” Thawne says, “But they do the job.”

Barry nods before asking his next question. "What's happened to all the prisoners who were in Iron Heights?"

"Brought to other prisons. Someone from Starling City is in charge of them now."

Barry let's out a sigh full of relief. So his dad is okay, he hasn't been hurt, he's safe. 

Joe takes a huge sip as Barry concentrates on cutting again. 

He needs to do it to keep himself from thinking too much, from wondering if it's been Joe who's caught him, who's brought him to the clinic, he can't afford to wonder if he's hurt anyone, not when it hasn't even been his fault, like Dr Snow has said, he wouldn't be able to live with that guilt, that's for sure. He's never even really hurt anyone, well, on purpose, with him bring clumsy it's inevitable that he hurts someone, but even when Joe tried to teach him how to box, he's never been able to test it. Not because there wasn't an opportunity but rather because he didn't want to.

When there's nothing left to cut, Thawne grabs a pan from the cupboard underneath the sink as if it's natural that he knows where it is and collects the different bowls from the table. He's starting to cook without a recipe, leaving Barry frowning.

Now that he's got nothing left to do, Barry can't distract himself any more and his mind goes back to the new form of police, to the attacks, the fear that people must have had – has anyone he knows been hurt? Did he hurt anybody?

He's never been quite fond of Joe's double standards when raising him and Iris, he's been good, awesome even, of course, but while Barry's been allowed to go into police business (well, technically he only shows up once the danger is over, but still, it _could_ be pretty dangerous once in a while), he's heavily denied Iris to become an officer herself. Now Barry's kind of glad that Joe has done it because it means Iris won't have to be faced with _zombies_.

The three of them stay silent for a while, the sound of the vegetables being fried filling the air, Thawne adds a few things every now and then, until Joe says, “Smells nice.”

And Barry can't say the same because he doesn't know. He can't smell anything at the moment, he doesn't understand why his abilities keep changing so much, and right now he feels bad about it because while he doesn't feel hungry, the food has really looked good while they cut it and he had to keep himself from taking anything. He really needs to work on that whole no-eating thing.

“Your dad's in Starling actually. Most people have been transferred somewhere else but Oliver Queen did his best to keep him there, so someone can visit him.”, Joe tells him.

He's been in Starling City only shortly before he died, he has met Oliver Queen and his friends and although Oliver didn't seem to enjoy his presence too much (he did have a tiny bit of tension with Felicity, but since she liked Oliver anyway, it didn't work out), they've still been civil to each other. It surprises him that Oliver did this for him, and maybe that's a sign they kind of are friends or on their way there.

“That's... really nice of him.”, Barry says slowly. “Maybe I can visit him soon--?”

He stops when he sees how Thawne looks at him, the serious expression as always but his eyebrows raised. Then he quickly looks at Joe.

“What?”

Joe looks visibly uncomfortable, too. “It's... nobody is allowed of the town at the moment. Especially sufferers.”

Barry's eyes widen. “Oh.”

“It's just that nobody's sure about what's going on just yet. We don't know if the thing can be spread in some weird way and there's no guarantee the sufferers think of their serum. There have only been a few releases until now, it's basically still experimenting.”, Thawne looks at him again, this time wearing an open emotion, some kind of sadness and fear is written into his blue eyes. “Also, the other cities aren't prepared for emergencies that can come up with sufferers travelling around.”

It does make sense, Barry knows that, but there's still something in him that gets incredibly sad at hearing this. Does his dad even know he's alive again? He can't even imagine what he must've gone through, not only his wife dead, his son as well, and he's stuck in prison. Did they allow him to go out for Barry's funeral? Did he even have a funeral?

He figures he can probably call Felicity, even if he isn't allowed to go to Starling, it'll be nice to hear her voice again and maybe she can fill him in a bit more. He makes a mental note to call her soon.

“I'm sorry, Bar.”, Joe says and reaches over to pat his back.

Barry does his best to smile at him. “It's okay. Not your fault.”, and then he adds, “Not Wells' either.”

Both Thawne and Joe keep their lips pressed into thin lines at that.

He just wants to tell them again that it really isn't Wells' fault, that he can't possibly have considered his machine would be able to bring back people from death. Generally Barry thinks it must've been difficult to consider how many things could go wrong with a building this big, there's no way his team could've thought about _everything_.

He can't do it though, because they hear the door getting locked open and he turns around to see Iris walk in, taking her purse from her shoulder and placing it on the couch. She smiles as she enters the kitchen and immediately walks over to Thawne.

And kisses him.

And suddenly everything falls into place for Barry. It explains why Thawne is even here, why he knows where everything is, why he's so good with Joe although he can't have been here for too long. It explains why Iris kept asking for him even when she was interrupted by Barry being back, it explains just everything.

It's weird, he doesn't react with jealousy, although he did have a kind of crush on Iris before the accident, at least he's thought so, but the smile she gives Thawne makes him _happy_ , he's happy she's happy, besides he has other problems right now than his or other people's love lives. He's a freaking _zombie_.

“How's work been?”, Thawne asks her and stirs through the meal.

“Quite boring, actually. Nothing's happened.”, Iris responds but she doesn't look too sad about that. “You okay, Barry?”

He blinks a few times. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I?”

“I'm just checking up on you.”, she grins and takes a sip of Thawne's beer.

He really would like to ask her a few things, about Thawne, about what's going on with her, with Joe, with the whole town since he's been gone, if she has any idea why the Rising happened (so Thawne and Joe say nobody has an idea, but Iris always makes assumptions, _always_ ), everything basically. But he won't do it when they aren't on their own, he doesn't want to show Joe how he's actually quite overwhelmed by everything he's encountering, and he definitely doesn't want to show Thawne, even if he does make Iris happy, he always looks at Barry so strangely, he doesn't trust him yet.

He's pretty sure a quick internet search would also be able to answer at least half his questions but he doesn't even know if they kept his laptop. Also, it's much better to hear something like this from someone you know anyways, to know how _they_ have experienced everything, if the internet is right – you never know. He'll look into it anyway.

He doesn't really dare to look at Iris' interactions with Thawne, he doesn't want to be awkwardly staring at them and _well_ , he hasn't been around, so maybe he'd kind of invade their privacy, even when they're in the kitchen only. He thinks of starting a conversation with Joe but he can't think of a topic that isn't related to him being back from the dead or something that he'd like to talk about even with Thawne around. So he ends up staring into nothing, he doesn't even think about anything, he barely hears the voices around him, he's completely zoned out until Iris starts to put plates onto the table.

He nods at the one in front of him and says, “I don't need one.”

She looks confused for a second until her eyes widen.  "Oh yeah, right! Oh my god, I'm so sorry." 

He's not mad at her, this _is_ strange, he needs to remind _himself_ of that frequently. He doesn't mind her putting a plate down for him per se, it's a gesture of care and affection. 

"It's okay," he says and watches her take it away again. 

"Um," Joe makes when Thawne takes the pan from the oven. "You don't mind us eating in front of you, do you?" 

"Of course not.", he replies although he can imagine it could be weird sitting here while everyone's having dinner. But that's nothing he can change, _they_ need food and he doesn't want to be alone. 

At that Thawne continues to place the food on the table, seating himself between Joe and Iris and across from Barry. The blond is watching him, there's something like curiosity in his eyes and Barry almost smiles when he notices that despite all of his distance, Thawne isn't a too stubborn, serious man. He may just be okay for Iris. 

As they start eating, they also talk a bit more. Iris tells them how they're going to do interviews about the releases from the clinic soon and that they're planning to ask Wells about what he's planning to do. 

"And maybe Linda will soon be able to talk about sports again.", Iris laughs, Joe and Thawne joining her, and Barry doesn't even know who Linda is. 

He slowly realizes how much he's missed, actually, less than a year and he has no idea about what's going on in Iris' life any more. 

"Excuse me," he says quickly and gets up, ignoring all the curious and concerned looks they give him. 

He goes up into his room, lets himself fall onto his back, it's still the same, soft and he sinks into the fabric, staring up at the ceiling. He feels left out, he can't describe how badly it feels. He doesn't want to be mad at them for moving on with their lives, he's been _dead_ for heaven's sake, he should be glad they didn't isolate themselves in mourning, and somehow he is but at the same time he's not. It's strange and he wonders, how long even is the average time for mourning? He can't remember how long it's taken him to stop crying about his mother, sometimes it's still been there when he was a teenager. 

He doesn't cry now, he's not sure if he actually is able to produce tears, he reaches out to his night-stand and cracks out a smile when he sees both his laptop and phone are in the drawer. 

He takes the phone and calls one of the contacts, he's on autopilot, he couldn't say how he thinks of this. 

It takes a while until it's answered.  "Oliver Queen." 

"Hi, um, it's me. Barry Allen?"

"Barry.", it's not a question but it's not a statement, either, Oliver has whispered his name and Barry can guess he's in shock. 

"Yeah. I, um, I'm... back."

It takes a moment until Oliver catches himself. "That's... I'm glad to hear that. How... How are you?" It sounds awkward, it _is_ awkward, you don't always get a phone call from someone dead.

"I... It's weird. Can I... Can I ask you a question?" 

"Shoot."

"How... Was it? Coming back, for you? I've only been gone for nine months, you for five _years_ . I can't imagine how it must've been for you - I feel so disconnected and confused, I'm--", he's breathing heavily.

"Barry, stop.", Oliver says it in a soft voice but firmly, keeping Barry from hyperventilation. "Of course a lots different now, but you need to be glad you're _back_ and stop trying to hold on to what it's been like. Things have changed but you'll manage."

"It's just... It feels so bad." 

"I know. But it shouldn't. Everyone's missed you."

And somehow, those few words make Barry calm down. Yes, things have changed but he's here now to deal with them, everything's as if he's encountering it for the first time, it's like restarting a game, he should maybe really look forward. 

"How's my dad? I've heard what you did for him.", Barry says. "Thank you." 

"Of course.", Oliver replies. "Felicity visits him quite often, actually. He's much better, although concerned for Central." 

Barry can't help but frown at Oliver's phrasing. His dad is better, meaning that he's been worse, of course he had, his son died and he hasn't even been there and-- "Tell him I'm back, please?" 

"Of course."

"Sorry for bothering you, I kinda had...", he doesn't know how to describe it, it wasn't a panic attack, he's just been overwhelmed and _lost_ \--

"It's okay. It's good you talk, it's the best you can do.", Oliver says and Barry knows he's talking from experience. "You can always call, you know that?" 

"I--",  Barry swallows. He's thought Oliver has merely tolerated him, but this is a confirmation that they're actually friends. "Thank you."  

"Really no problem.", Oliver says. 

They say goodbye and hang up, Barry is alone in his room again but he feels much better. He decides he can go downstairs again, maybe just ask questions when he's confused about something, like it should be logically obvious. He doesn't knows why he hasn't thought about it sooner, it's like his mind had just stopped working, he has had no idea about what to do _at all_ . 

"I'm sorry.", he says when he sits down at the table again. "I just had...", how could he describe it? He doesn't want to make them feel guilty, they haven't done anything wrong. "I'm sorry." 

"It's okay.", Joe says and Iris pats his hand. Thawne looks at him with narrowed eyes.

For a split second Barry is wondering what he's ever done to this man, the way he looks at him is full of distrust. Then he remembers that his job is to fight sufferers, to protect the people from his kind. Barry hopes Thawne'll never have a reason to fight him, not because he's scared of him, but because he doesn't want to hurt anyone, he doesn't want to make people fear him.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Depression and Homicide TW** for this chapter.
> 
> This was written way before the second season started airing, even before we knew Wally would appear, so his relation to Iris differs here from the Show. It's also different from the comics because I already had figured they can't go with the relationship from those.

That evening, Barry's tries to go to bed early. It's been an eventful day and while he'd have loved to stay and spend more time with Iris and Joe just yet, he knows that _they_ will have to work again tomorrow, that they'll have to go to bed soon. And it's not like they won't have time to spend together later, he's here and he'll _stay_ here. He's figured going to bed as the first would send off a message that says that he's okay, that he's fine and content.

Of course, he can't fall asleep. He is tired, yes, but at the same time, it all feels so strange and he's not sure if when he wakes up again, it all turns out to be a dream, that he's not at home but still in the clinic. He lies awake for a while, trying to fall asleep. He hears how Iris and Joe go to bed, wishing each other a good night. He tries to sleep some more, but then he gives up, it won't work anyways, it's all just too new here, it's almost like sleeping in a room you've never been to, which is strange because it's _his_ room.

He goes downstairs into the living room, taking his laptop with him. He'll find a way to distract himself, he's sure. Maybe read a new comic issue.

It doesn't work for long, soon his mind is thinking again, he can't concentrate on some fictional story when what he's experiencing is so supernatural itself.

As it turns out, Iris doesn't seem to be able to sleep either, maybe she's heard him get up because only after a while she comes down too and sits down at the other end of the couch, wrapping herself in a blanket.

They stay silent for a while, just sitting there in each others company. Barry looks at his laptop but doesn't even register anything on it anymore, he just stares into nothing and feels strange, yes, but also _home_. 

"Okay, start.", Iris suddenly says, almost making him jump out of his seat. 

Their eyes meet for a second, Barry's confused, Iris' determined and stubbornly looking at him until he breaks away. 

"What do you mean?", he asks. 

Iris huffs. "Come on, I know that you have at least a thousand questions flowing around in your head. Just ask them, Barry."

He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and sorting his thoughts. Of course she'd know he's so confused, of course she'd know he's overwhelmed, they've been best friends since forever, there's nobody who knows him better than Iris, they're a family, she can read him better than her own face, probably. 

He does want to talk to her, know her opinions on things, but the thing is he doesn't know where to _start_. There's just so much he needs to know, so much he doesn't understand, he doubts that he even thinks of all his questions right now. 

"I... Who is Thawne?", it seems like the easiest thing to ask, a good question to start with. "It's just... He's Joe's partner, isn't he? Where did he come from? What about Fred? There's been no clue Joe would get a new partner and suddenly you're dating him--" 

"Hey, Bar, shh, you're rambling again.", she chuckles. "Okay, so Eddie transferred here shortly after the Rising. He's from Keystone. He ended up as dad's partner when... when Fred died. I've met him when I went to your flat... I felt like some things of yours were missing so I wanted to get them and then I noticed someone else lived in your flat already."

For a moment, Barry is caught off guard. He imagines Thawne in his apartment, sleeping in his bed, sitting at his table, staring at the walls in his office when he's sunk into thoughts, until it hits him his furniture most likely doesn't even exist anymore, maybe it's even been destroyed... It just startles him for some reason, Thawne so comfortable in three places he's called something like home: his flat, Joe's house and even the station. But then he shakes his head, pointing his attention at something more important, something real, not the weird things his mind produces. 

"Fred is dead?", he repeats. "How?"

“He...”, Iris voice breaks, she's kneading her hands, apparently unsure what to say. She does know how he has died, Barry can tell, an apparently it wasn't a natural death. “I'm not sure if I should tell you.”

He hates those words, he hates how they sound. As if he can't make decisions on his own, as if everyone knows how he feels even better than he does himself. As I he can't guess what his own reaction would be. He hates how they keep acting like a small child, it annoys him even if they just want what's best for him.

“It's related to the Rising?”, he guesses. It seems like a logical reason why Iris wouldn't tell him.

She looks at him, eyes open in surprise, maybe even in shock, and seems to thin about whether to tell him or a second. And then she nods.

His mind is racing, he knows the sufferers have been violent without the serum, he knows why he needs to take it, but nobody has told him the attacks have ended _deadly_ . Has _he_ killed anybody? Was he close to? How exactly did the attacks even happen? Did they just grab the nearest weapon or...?

He can't even finish the thought, his hand goes to hold his stomach by instinct, normally he would've been sick by now.

“It wasn't you.”, Iris says quickly. “ _Of course_ it wasn't you-- -I didn't know the woman-- dad was _there_ \-- it wasn't _you_ \--”

It does kind of calm him down, for a very short moment, but then it doesn't. Joe has been there? He's watched his partner die? That means he's been in great danger as well. What would've happened to Iris if her dad had died, too? Would she have been able to carry on?

She reaches over and puts her hand on his arm, trying to calm him down, but his mind continues thinking about awful things and _if he hadn't watched her touch him, he wouldn't even have noticed_ . Because he barely ever feels anything any more since he's a freaking _zombie_ , he's dead and he has attacked people, he probably has killed people--

His breathing is fast now, his mind still racing, he can't believe anything of this is real. He's dreaming, that's it. He's having a nightmare and when he wakes up, he'll be normal and it will be a cold December morning, he's going to spend the day with Iris, they'll go out to the movies and _her bag will not be stolen_. He's sure.

Suddenly he can't see anymore, everything is black and it takes him a moment to understand that it's because Iris has pulled him into a hug, that she has pressed down his head into the crook of her shoulder. He hears her mumble something into his ear but he doesn't understand hat she's saying, maybe he doesn't even actually utter real words, but listening to her voice does calm him down, his breathing slows down and slowly, his mind stops jumping from one thought to another. They don't disappear, but they step back, waiting for him to deal with them one by one. He's able to calm down.

For a second he doesn't think of any of that, he takes deep breaths,, closes his eyes. It takes him some more time until he finally manages to open them again, until he feels okay enough again to softly press away Iris, to make her stop mumbling. He gives her little smile, hopes it's filled with enough gratitude, all of which she deserves.

She smiles back for a few seconds before her face gets all serious again and she says, “It's okay, nothing is your fault, you do know that, right?”

He nods although he's not entirely sure. He's heard it so often, nothing is his fault, he's not guilty of anything he's done in his untreated state, but the thing is, the more he hears about _what_ has happened, the more he wonders if he really shouldn't feel bad about it at all.

“Do you wanna know anything else?”, she asks carefully.

There are so many things he needs to ask about, so many things that certainly aren't the same any more, so many things he's been wondering about-- but right now he isn't sure if he should ask about them. They are both still tense from what they've talked about before, he can't make Iris think about bad things again.

“Who is Linda?”, he asks instead and gets a big smile from Iris in return.

She tells him she's one of the sport reporters at the Picture News, a really passionate person, and that she's really mad that for months nobody has even been remotely interested in sports, that everything in her job has been about the sufferers only, and Barry laughs at that. It's surreal that someone would think like that, refreshing even.

“It's not like she isn't interested in the sufferers _at all_ , if you know what I mean.”, she tells him with a wink.

Barry is sure that with his current blood circulation, he'll be blushing about this tomorrow night.

“Maybe I should introduce you two.”, Iris continues, smirking at him. Apparently his embarrassment is visible even without the blush.

“I-I don't think I have the-the mind for... _anyone_ at the moment.”, he decides to tell her. “And I'm-I'm not sure if-if I—if _sufferers_ can...”

“Oh my God, Barry.”, Iris laughs. She sounds happy, the same as when they've made jokes at each other before everything went downhill. He almost forgets about his embarrassment at the beautiful sound of her laughter and joins her.

Maybe he _is_ glad to be back.

 

***

 

The next morning, he wakes up on the couch, Iris somehow both next to him and on him, he can barely move. He shoots a look at the clock on the wall, his neck crackling at the movement. It's pretty early, 7am only, so he gets up very carefully so he doesn't wake her up.

They've talked a bit more, about everything and nothing. Iris has told him about how her life had changed in the past year, about people she's met, and in return she's asked him about the clinic. 

He's cut his description short and asks about his funeral instead, it's actually been on his mind for a while now. She didn't seem to comfortable about it but gave him some information. 

She told him who's been there. Oliver, Felicity and Diggle, devastated this happened so shortly after meeting him. Even Hal Jordan, a guy he's met years ago when he's been in Coast City for a week, has been there. Iris' cousin with whom they've spend a lot of time as kids came all the way from Metropolis with his little son Wally. 

She said that they all tried their best being not too sad, since they all knew how much Barry hated that, but mostly failed. 

In the end they've been nostalgic, talking about their childhood, the things that happened in High School, just _everything_. 

He doesn't remember falling asleep. He doesn't even know for how long he's slept, but what he does know is how much he needed this night with Iris.

He manages to get up, shoots a look at Iris and reaches to put a blanket over her body so that she can sleep some more. He's certain nobody gets much sleep lately. 

He walks up into his room, takes out some clothes of his before stepping into the bathroom. He let's his eyes scan the room, he hasn't even gone in here yesterday.

verything looks the same, just as everything else in the house. He smiles when he undressed and steps into the shower. He looks over his body once more, sees the scars from the accident, having that weirdly blue colour, and even the ones on his thighs, almost a decade old, have the same colour -  as if there were no difference between them. For a short horrible moment he wonders if sufferers can even bleed, before he starts hiding the marks in soap, drowning his thoughts. He shouldn't think about this for too long. 

When he steps out again, he feels much better, more like himself, finally the smell of hospital is gone entirely, he feels, smells and soon enough will look as much like himself again as he can.

He puts on his clothes and looks into the mirror afterwards. He's white as a sheet, maybe even worse, there are dark circles under his eyes. He hasn't even noticed the small scar on his forehead, but there it is, as blue as the others, just under the hairline. 

He opens the cupboard, looking for a comb, and stops to look around some more. They haven't taken anything out of here either, there's still some of the hair gel he barely ever used, perfume, some bracelets he's worn occasionally and his antidepressants. Everything is still there, just as if Joe and Iris has known he'd come back. 

Can sufferers depressed? And if so, he wonders if meds would help. Surely they'd have to be injected as well, since they can't drink anything, and maybe have something added so that they can help despite the slow heart. 

He really shouldn't be thinking about this. 

He gets himself presentable, does his hair and puts on the make-up, puts in new lenses and looks almost like a normal person, a person who's used the wrong tan crème. He's Barry Allen again. 

Everything's still silent when he goes downstairs again, Iris softly snoring now that she's able to lay on her back. He chuckles at the sight. 

He decides to set up the kitchen table for breakfast since he's got nothing better to do. 

He puts everything on the table that Joe and Iris like, even cuts a cucumber for Iris to eat as finger-food, and just when the coffee starts brewing, Joe appears in the doorway.

"You don't need to make food, none of this is even for _you_.", he says, pouting. 

"Morning to you, too.", Barry sings. "I was bored."

Joe takes a look at him before he opens a cupboard and takes the package with the syringes out of it. "You look better." 

"I'm home," Barry shrugs and turns around so Joe can reach his neck.

He doesn't feel Joe injecting the serum, he doesn't feel the needle going in and out of his skin, in fact, he only notices Joe has done _anything_ when he hears him put the syringe back into the metal basket.

“You have to work today?”, he asks as he faces Joe again, watches him sit down at the table.

“Yeah. Well, technically I'm on call, but we're gonna drive through the neighbourhoods nonetheless.”, Joe answers. “Never know what may happen.”

Barry nods, trying to get rid of the thought that he must've been one of those … creatures that Joe is catching now. “What about Iris?”

“Same for her, basically. She'll be at the TV station, probably.”, Joe takes a sip of the coffee Barry's served him. “You okay with being alone here?”

Barry thinks about it for a moment, unsure what to respond. He doesn't like being alone just yet, sure, but he's pretty content that it won't be as bad when he's at home with Iris or Joe only a phone call away, it won't be that difficult because this is a place he's used to, it's way better than the white room at the hospital, here he can actually do something, he can find out more about what has happened. “Yeah, I guess so.”, he replies then.

Joe nods. “If anything's up...”

“I'll call. Of course.”

 

***

 

Being home alone really isn't that difficult. Sure, at first he'd figured it's really quiet, he was able to hear his own breathing the whole time, but once he's taken out his laptop again and sat down in the living room, turning on music, it's almost comfortable. It's some old music that he's listened to whenever he's not been feeling too well, a mix of relaxing, soft sounds, acoustic versions of songs you usually sing along to at the top of your lungs, but now they're soothing and just so familiar he can't do anything but relax.

He figures a Google Search would probably be the best thing to start with, sorts the results for “Rising, Central City” by date and starts looking at those from 4 months ago, the earliest. There are still a few articles about sports that kind of made their way into this, but soon he finds the first works about what has happened.

He finds out that in the first few days there obviously haven't been any reports, everyone has been hiding as good as they could, fearing those zombies, but soon the first cops got out their guns and managed to kill some of them. The cops were labelled as 'brave men', seeing as some of them got killed as well, and on the internet there even were a few comments about how Central City could use some more fearless fighters, skilled even, from other cities.

That would explain why Thawne showed up here. Would Barry himself have listened to one of those screams for help? He likes to imagine he would've, but probably he would've been too scared.

Soon enough, it seems, there have been people who have been attacked by sufferers, but not killed, and they needed some space to treat them. With the already halfway full Central City Hospital, they had to make room somewhere else, have more space for the people who may be infected with the zombie-virus, as they seemed to like to call it.

That's how they got around to move the prisoners out of Iron Heights. There are official statements from the police captains from Starling, Coast City and Metropolis among others, claiming that they'd be able to take in some of them, doing their best to help the city cope. They didn't have any second thoughts about the safety here, seeing as the prisoners have not been around the sufferers at all, so they figured they must be clean and as much of a human as ever.

With the new treatment station for those hurt by the sufferers, they figured easily that the infection is not spread just like this, not with the biting you see in movies, so that should mean the number of zombies around the town must've stayed the same amount or, seeing as a lot got killed off, actually decreased.

The police forces found out they could injure the sufferers just like normal people, make them unable to go on with their attacks without killing them off. Once the big wave of injured humans was healed, Iron Height was turned into a treatment station for injured _zombies_. 'Fearless doctors' volunteered to experiment on the sufferers to find a solution for their condition.

There's actually a statement from Dr Wells as well, Barry sees, and scans through it.

Most of what's written is basically just how it must be Wells' fault that the Rising happened, seeing as it's much likely linked to the starting of the particle accelerator. The article he's reading right now is quite neutral, luckily, so it doesn't phrase it exactly like this but you can still here the city's opinion on the topic. Wells explains that it's probably true and that he'll do everything he can to help “fix” the sufferers.

The next sentence, however, makes him frown.

“ _It's very respectable of you to consider a second chance for those beings that have taken your ability to walk._ ”

Barry should've thought so far, actually. Of course Wells would've lost his legs in a confrontation with one or even more sufferers, it only makes sense because he's been able to walk a year ago and you don't just randomly lose your legs. Still, it shocks him to see someone who has been hurt by his kind, to work with someone who has every right to despise him.

Wells' answer is as diplomatic as it can get. He claims that he feels guilty for what has happened, in a way, even if it's been an accident and that he believes every person deserves a second chance, that the sufferers haven't been clear in their minds. It's a stereotypic answer, one that everyone would be able to produce, Barry knows that, but as he reads through Wells' answer, he believes him. That he wants to help, make up for a mistake he's made, that he just wants everything to be good again.

As he continues scrolling through more and more articles, Barry notices that the media has been as thoughtful as to not mention any names, neither of the sufferers nor of the police officers and other people who've been hurt during and after the Rising. This way nobody's reputation would be harmed in any way and he may be able to live his life normally.

Once he's read through the most promising looking articles, his eyes shoot to the clock. It's shortly after two, he notices to his surprise. Don't Joe and Iris come home for lunch? Do they even have breaks at a time like this?

For a split second he considers preparing lunch for Iris at least – she'd left so fast in the morning that she didn't even eat at home but took a slice of bread with her – and bringing it to the station but decides against it.

He's really unsure about going outside on his own just yet. What if he meets someone who's known him? That would be an awkward conversation to have ('Yes hello, no, I'm not dead. Not any more.'). Or if he'd run into an untreated sufferer? How would he be able to defend himself? Can you even just go out like that? He has no idea about the rules the city may have put up. No, he can't possibly go outside.

And he doesn't necessarily feel like going outside when he's just spend his whole day reading about people like him getting killed, about how they attacked others, how the lives of the normal citizens of Central City have changed.

So instead, he tries his best to do what he'd usually do. Maybe catch up on a TV show? He takes a look at how far Agents of SHIELD has gone and decides it's as good as anything he could do.

 

***

 

When Iris comes home only a few hours later (Barry has lost count on how many episodes he's actually watched but it must have been quite an amount since Netflix already asked if he's actually still watching), she's alone. There's no sight of Joe or Thawne being by her side or there any time soon at all.

“Hi.”, she smiles at him despite the big sigh she exhales while sitting down on the arm chair, letting her purse fall down onto the floor.

“Hey, you alright?”, Barry asks, sitting up.

“Yeah, sure. It's just... been busy.”, Iris tells him. “Things are slowly starting to get normal again, I guess. We're actually talking about taking up normal news again since more and more people started leaving their houses again.”

A bad feeling creeps up on him, guilt maybe, but he shakes it away quickly. If he actually wants to live normally again, he needs to accept what has happened, he can't always feel bad about it, especially not when it isn't his fault. “That's cool.”, he says instead.

Iris nods at him with serious eyes, fully aware of just _how cool_ it is. “What have you been up to?”

“Oh, um-- you know, catching up.”, Barry says and motions to the screen. “Did you know when Oliver came back he spent a whole weekend watching Keeping up with the Kardashians?”

“Really?”, Iris laughs.

“ _Yes_.”, Barry grins. “Even better: then he tried his hands on Twilight. And guess what?”

“No.”, is the only thing Iris can say while she giggles.

“ _Yes_. He became _so_ obsessed.”, Barry laughs. “Dig loves to share a fun story.”

“Oh my god.”

They laugh for a while more, and each time they're about to stop, a single glance at the other starts a new laughing fit until Barry can feel his stomach hurt and Iris looks like she's about to cry.

“I've missed this so much.”, she finally breathes and bends over to pat his knee.

Barry's smile weakens, he can't do anything about it, and he sees in her face that it must've turned into a sad one. He's missed this, too, yes, but not for as long as she did and he feels so stupid for even chasing after that thief. He works for the police, true, but he's not an officer, he shouldn't have tried to solve it himself-- he should've looked for cars on the street at least. He feels so dumb for putting them all in so much pain just because-- because of what even? Did he try to prove himself? He honestly doesn't know.

“But now you're here and we can have fun!”, Iris adds quickly, trying to sound as cheerful as she can.

“You look like you already have an idea.”, Barry says, raising an eyebrow as he sees her get up from her seat.

“Barry Allen, you and me are gonna go bowling!”

“We-- what?”

“Oh, come on! You can't just sit around here and do nothing, let's go out! Dad won't be home until later anyways, he and Eddie have the night shift.”, Iris explains.

“Oh?”, Barry makes. So they just spend the _entire_ day on the road, looking for other sufferers? Do they ever even have an actual break? This can't be right. It can't be okay that there's apparently only a handful of people willing to step up to _everything_. He understands that the others are scared, but now that people have gotten a view of how to deal with sufferers, there surely should be some former cops willing to be skilled for it?

“Yes. So instead of sitting around here alone, we'll go bowling. Come on, Shane will be happy to see you!”

“I'm actually not sure--”, Barry starts but Iris interrupts him.

“Oh, please!”, she begs and does her best puppy eyes. They work every time.

“Fine.”, Barry sighs and can't hide another smile when he sees her jump up and down. He really isn't sure if he should go out just yet, but with Iris by his side, it can't go too wrong, can it? And they know the owner of the bowling alley as well, he's sure he won't think any less of him.

 

***

 

Barry blinks at the words that are pasted across the bowling alley's door. There is no doubt what it can mean. "ROTTERS OUT" is as easy to understand as it can get, it's pretty clear that they mean the sufferers, that people he used to hang out with almost every week are now against people like him.

"That's ridiculous.", Iris breathes, clutching his arm and staring at the sign as well. "They can't do this."

"Well, actually," Barry says, "they can. It's their property."

"This is an insult! Not to mention discrimination!"

Barry grimaces at her. "Well, that's what it means to be different."

It's not like he isn't used to it. He's been bullied because of his father's history, he's been bullied for being intelligent, he's been bullied for being queer, for not reading the playboy in college, he's been bullied when he hadn't hidden his scars well enough. People always find a way to dislike others, and it was only a matter of time until something like this would happen.

With what happened at the Rising, they actually have a reason to do it. They're scared of the sufferers, they fear they could go rabid any second, it will probably take some time before they realise sufferers aren't more dangerous than normal people as long as they use their serum.

"I'm gonna call Shane and tell him he can't do this.", Iris says, taking out her phone.

"No, don't do that.", Barry presses her arm back down. "If that's his general opinion at the moment, let him be. And he shouldn't treat me any differently just because he personally knows me."

It wouldn't be fair and it wouldn't make sense, why should he have more privilege than anyone else who is like him?

"It could make a change.", Iris offers.

"It would make a change if he put it down completely.", Barry answers. "I _am_ a rotter just like every other PDS sufferer."

"You are n--"

"Iris, I am.", he says with a firm voice. "Let's look for something else to do, shall we?"

He sees that Iris still isn't satisfied, that she doesn't want to leave. She doesn't want him to be excluded from thing but really, what did she expect? After all he's read, it's only natural to get such a response.

But she starts walking, with clenched teeth and hands pressed into fists, _but_ she turns her back to the building.

“I just don't understand why they'd do that.”, Iris says after a while of walking, hooking up her arm with Barry's again. “They haven't had any contact with sufferers since the invention of the serum. They have no idea!”

Barry keeps walking. “They're scared. I'd be, too.”

“We need to take away the fear.”, Iris says. “We're gonna go to the TV station now and then we'll do an interview.”

“What?”, Barry asks, stopping on his tracks.

He should've known Iris would suggest this at one point. It's been clear she'd want to interview him since he's … well, always around and available, but he didn't think she'd want to do it this soon. Not when he's just gotten home but when he's used to everything again, when he can give an honest statement. He can understand where she's coming from, though. The earlier, the better.

“Oh, come on, Bar!”, Iris pouts. “You know how important this is!”

But there's something inside of him that makes him shake his head. He has nowhere near all of the information to speak for _all_ the sufferers, he doesn't know if his case is different from any other because he's not only working with Dr Wells, but because he's living with Joe, who works for the HVF. “I know, Iris. But... I'm not ready yet.”, he admits.

He doesn't expect her to understand because she's right. This is important, not just for him and actually, he shouldn't be such a cry-baby about it, she could just push him to say a few lines. He knows that he should be able to do it. But as always, she surprises him with her incredible kindness. She gives him a sad look and nods, too. “Of course. I'm sorry,” she says, “I should've thought about _you_ , too.”

She reaches over to touch his arm and pulls him into a hug for a moment, and he breathes in her scent before wrapping his arms around her, too. She makes him feel normal even when he's just given a speech about how he's different, he's been craving this, just being treated like anyone else. That nobody would see him differently.

“Sorry,” she says again.

“It's okay,” he answers with a small smile. “Let's get home, shall we? We can play some game or something.”

“That's a terrific idea.”, Iris replies and punches his shoulder lightly.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Once Joe and Iris have left for work the next morning , Barry finds himself alone in the house. He's tried to distract himself with everything, really. He's tried to watch TV, he's cleaned up, he's started reading a book, but nothing really works out. His mind always goes back to thinking, to wondering about what life has been like without him.

He also thinks of his funeral. He's never realized he'd mattered to that many people, sure, he got along with a few co-workers, he  _knows_ a lot of people, but he wouldn't have guessed they'd all come to his funeral. Not that he's thought about it a lot.

What does his gravestone look like? 

Is his grave somewhere near his mother's? He doesn't think so, they didn't get a family grave because nobody really expected for either him or his dad to die that soon. Or to place his dad with his mum, for that matter. 

It's a short-circuit reaction, but he grabs his keys from the counter and leaves the house once those thoughts have reached his mind. He's determined to get to the graveyard and see his own grave, because up to know he barely can believe it's  _real_ . Who says he's missed the past 9 months because he's been _dead_? He could've been in a coma or something. Seeing his grave, however, his name set in stone, that would say it's been real. He kind of needs that confirmation and at the same time, he doesn't want it. Who would like being a zombie?

He goes to visit his mom's grave first, of course, he hasn't been here for the past year and it's the only thing he actually knows about this graveyard. 

Her grave is cared for, there's no wild grass and he can even see a rather fresh bouquet of flowers. Somebody must've come here even when he's been gone and he makes a mental note to thank Iris and Joe yet again – it's magnificent how much they just  _do_ for him.

He knows there are people who talk to the gravestones of those deceased, he remembers how Felicity told him that's what Oliver's sister had done when he was shipwrecked, but it's never been much for him. Of all the weird things he may tend to do, talking to inanimate objects usually isn't one of them. So he stands in front of his mum's grave, staring at the stone as he always does. He doesn't cry about her any more most of the time. A long time has passed since her death and he's learnt to deal with it. Of course he still misses her, but he rather remembers everything good he can recall about her. 

He stays there for a while, feeling kind of bummed he didn't even think of picking a few flowers on his way here, but he promises himself to make up for it next time.

And then he leaves, scanning through the rows of graves for a while. He doesn't even know how long it takes him to find his own since he doesn't have his phone on him, but then he reads his own name after some time. It's actually not too far away from his mum's grave.

 

Bartholomew Henry Allen

_See yourself among the stars and run with them._

19 March 1989 – 13 December 2013

 

13 December – that's the day he came back from Starling. That's the day he's been at the cinema with Iris. That's the day her purse had been stolen and he'd run after the thief, thinking he could catch him for Iris who needed her laptop for something important. That's the day he ran across a street without looking. That's the day a car ran him over. That's the day he died.

How could he have been so dumb to think he'd be able to catch a thief? He's never been good at fighting, in school he'd gotten beaten up regularly. He never was good at running either, there was no possible way for him to be so fast to catch someone who's had this much head start. 

He should've stayed by her side, called the police and told them about the theft. They'd have found it for sure. But no, instead he had to play the hero and got himself killed. Put so many people into pain over his death. How could he have been this stupid?

Before he knows it, he lifts his foot and kicks against the gravestone, again and again, only concentrating on it. Anger creeps up his neck, he's angry at himself for being this dumb, he's angry at the stone for reminding him of it. It's real, he's been dead. He can even see the grave has been open not too long ago, there's grass missing, replaced by some brown dirt.

He's officially climbed back from his grave. A real zombie like in all the horror stories.

More anger creeps up his skin, he kicks and kicks and even when his breathing gets worse, he doesn't stop.

"Hey! What are you doing there?"

Barry hears the words but he doesn't stop. Instead, he keeps kicking against the massive stone that adores his grave, he keeps kicking it although no damage is done, he barely even feels how his boot hits it. He's breathing heavily already, his mind not in his control. He wants to destroy it, all of sudden, isn't even sure why exactly. It's a symbol for how stupid he is, it reminds him of the fact that his life is not the same as before and will never be, it's a reminder that he isn't the same Barry any more, that he's a whole new person. 

"Seriously man, you gotta stop doing that!", now, before he knows it, he's pulled away from the stone and he'd like to fight, really, he would, but he's just too  _tired_ . He's not even sure what exactly he's suddenly tired of, but he just can't fight. "That's, like, someone's property." 

Barry's let go then and after he stepped back a few steps, he looks up to see the man. He's pale - not as pale as him, it's more like a dirty grey - and smaller than him, long dark hair hanging down to frame his face. His skin colour alone tells Barry he's a fellow sufferer, but there's something else that he can't pinpoint. 

The stranger must notice it about him, too, because he adds, "Or, well, I suppose this is  _your_ property? Then continue, if you feel like it. I'm not telling you how to live your unlife, you know?”

“My 'unlife'?”

The man raises an eyebrow. “You  _are_ a sufferer, aren't you? If not, you have a sick face colour, dude!”

“No, um... I mean, I am a sufferer but... _unlife_?”, Barry says. “I _am_ alive. My heart is beating and I'm breathing and--”

“Your heart is beating? Mine isn't! I tried to feel it and...”, he presses his hand against his chest, “Nothing!”

“Well, it's really slow, so maybe that's why you didn't feel it.”, Barry says, eyebrows drawn at the ecstasy this man gives off. “Over at STAR Labs they have a machine that catches it.”

“Oh yeah, of course they would.”, the man says like it's nothing new for him and directs his eyes to Barry's gravestone. “Bartholomew... Nice name.”, then, as he continues reading, realisation hits his face. “You're Dr Allen's son!”

“Um,” Barry's used to being recognized. Whenever he says his name in town, people know who he is. Of course it's pointless to deny it. “Yes, I am. Barry Allen.”

The man blinks at him a few times before he extends his hand. “Nice to meet you,” he says with a grin. “Name's Francisco Paco Ramon. I'm supposed to lay somewhere down there.”, he waves to his left before adding, “Call me Cisco.”

Barry shakes his hand, unsure what to think about him. He seems pretty quirky and Barry can guess he'll need some time to adapt to it, but it seems to come quite naturally and he'd appreciated it about Felicity as well.

“You know, I used to work at STAR Labs until I died...”, Cisco says, “It's been quite a while, though, according to the differences in our gravestones. Wells still in charge?”

Barry nods. “Yeah, um, actually he and Dr Snow--”

“Caitlin?”, Cisco asks, eyes wide open. “Caitlin is still around? Nice.”

Barry raises an eyebrow at him. “Um, yeah, she's helping to develop a permanent cure for the sufferers. I do, too. And Professor Stein, if you know him.”

For a second, Cisco's grin seems to fall, but maybe Barry's just imagined that. After all, he doesn't know this man too well. Before he knows it, the smile is back in place. “Professor Stein? That's sweet. So I guess Ronnie's around, too?”

“Uh, no.”, Barry shakes his head. “I don't know a Ronnie, sorry.”

Now Cisco's smile  _definitely_ falls and he needs a few moments until he replies. “Oh, alright. I guess... Can't know everyone, huh?”

“I have to go to STAR Labs later. If you want to tag along?”, Barry offers before he knows it. Cisco had sounded rather affectionate when mentioning Caitlin, so he guesses they've been friend at least. Maybe he'd be able to make her smile honestly for once. And who knows, maybe he can help them? If he's worked for Wells, he'd probably be more than qualified.

“Oh, that'd be awesome!”, Cisco cheers.

“Cool.”, Barry comments, having not even the slightest idea how to react. “But I need to go home first and change.”

“Yeah, sure.”, Cisco nods. “Is it far?”

“About ten minutes by feet?”, Barry replies. Okay, maybe that would have been rude but he hadn't exactly intended for Cisco to accompany him to his _home_. He doesn't even know the guy.

But Cisco grins. “Then let's get going.”

And then Barry doesn't have a choice but take him with himself. After all, he does seem nice, albeit a bit straight-forward. Also, if he were to make any trouble at home, there'd be a taser hidden in the living room (Joe has told him how every household that includes a sufferer is supposed to have one for emergencies).

Cisco's kind of small talk turns out to be a rather interesting choice of topics. Where others would mention the weather, that it's way too warm for the end of October, Cisco rather asks him how he died.

He learns that Cisco's been on a boating trip and then fell into the water when the boat did an abrupt stop and apparently, that's basically the last thing he remembers. He doesn't even know why the boat suddenly stopped. “I definitely won't go swimming any time soon,” Cisco says with a grin but his eyes tell that he  _is_ kind of serious.

Barry frowns at that. He does remember his death with most of the details, actually, but it didn't make him be afraid of cars. He guesses death has a different effect on different people.

Cisco asks him about his own work, what he'd done before he's died. Barry noticed that he carefully makes his way around mentioning his dad and he's not sure if he should be thankful for that. He hates being identified  _only_ as the son of a doctor who supposedly killed his wife, but he also hates it when people think he wouldn't be able to deal with it. Especially when he knows his dad didn't do anything.

“I was a forensic scientist at CCPD.”

Cisco whistles through his teeth. “That sounds cool! So you've been around dead people enough already, heh?”

“Uh, not really. I've rarely ever seen a body, actually. Less than you'd think.”, Barry says. It's true, usually he's only had to analyse traces left _around_ the bodies, not _on_ them unless there were unusual marks.

“I'm not sure if saying 'boring' would be appropriate here.”, Cisco says and actually sounds thoughtful.

Barry raises an eyebrow at him and then he thinks if Cisco can say whatever he feels like, he could do it as well. “Why don't you wear any mousse?”

Cisco shoots him a look that makes him wonder if  _that_ has been too personal or maybe if it should be obvious but then he starts smiling again. “Well, I don't wanna look like the next white guy, do I? No offense.”

“What do you mean?”, Barry asks.

“Look, my name is _Francisco_. I'm Hispanic, alright? So my skin tone should be a bit different from yours, don't you think?”, Cisco explains. “But this make-up only comes in one colour. Erasing diversity step by step.”

“I don't think they—”

“Yeah, well, they should have considered not only white people died in this city.”, Cisco interrupts him.

Barry nods. Growing up with Joe and Iris, he's seen what racism is like. It's barely ever really obvious, but it's still there, whether people realize it or not. Of course, Barry has never been affected but he's seen his family be hurt by it. “I get what you mean.”

Now Cisco gives him a smile directed only at him so he guesses that means he appreciates it.

They walk in silence for a while, next to each other, and both alert for anyone to cross their path. Of curse, there's still barely anyone out at all, and when they are, they'd head for the inner city directly rather than a random neighbourhood.

“Left,” Barry says at one point and nods at his home.

“Cute house!”, Cisco comments before he follows him up to the front door. 

Barry's seen Iris' car outside already so it's no surprise for him when she comes rushing up to the door as soon as they're inside. A look at the clock tells him she's been waiting for roughly half an hour already. 

“Where the hell have you-- Oh, who's that?”, she says when she spots Cisco behind him.

Cisco steps forward, extending his hand. “Hello,” he singsongs, “Cisco Ramon.”

Although she looks quite confused, Iris takes his hand and blinks, “Um, Iris West?”

“I met him at the graveyard.”, Barry says quickly, “Where I've been, by the way.”

Iris eyes him. “You've been at the graveyard? Why?”

“Uhhh... you know? See my grave... and stuff.”, Barry says and scratches the back of his head. He's sure Iris is going to tell him how he shouldn't have gone on his own or maybe how it's been too early, but really, he's probably the only person to determine this. He needed to see it so he can move forward. And he wouldn't have her to see his reaction.

“Beautiful quote on the stone, by the way.”, Cisco chimes in.

Both Barry and Iris shoot him a confused look. Barry's also kind of astonished how oblivious someone can be to something this  _awkward_ . And then he breaks out a smile at that. Cisco could probably help him to deal with this whole zombie-business, seeing how lightly he takes it.

Iris starts smiling, too, although it does seem kind of sad. “Thank you! I guess. Um, Barry, did you forget you have an appointment?”

“Uh, no.”, Barry replies. “That's why Cisco's here. He wants to go there, too.”

Cisco nods. “Care to take me with you?” He must've gathered by now that she'll take them to the laboratories.

“Yeah, of course,” Iris replies immediately, being the nice person that she is.

“Alright, but I need to put on something fresh first.”, Barry says and motions towards the staircase. “Be right back.”

He isn't even concerned to leave Iris alone with Cisco, he won't be gone for too long and he does seem nice although a bit weird. The worst he could do would probably be hitting on Iris and then she'd be able to tell him to back off herself.

Still, he hurries to find some new clothes, he's gotten dirt all over himself when he had this... breakdown earlier. When he looks presentable again, he walks down to see Cisco and Iris still waiting for him in the hall.

“Ready now?”, Iris asks mockingly but the look she shoots him says she's actually worried about him.

“Yeah, sure.”, Barry shrugs.

 

***

 

Iris leaves again when she's brought them to STAR Labs, explaining that she's got to go back to work. She suggests that maybe Caitlin could get them home since the public transport is still down.

“I'm sure she will!”, Cisco exclaims and smiles when Iris raises an eyebrow at him. Barry would have to tell her who he even is. As soon as he know, that is. 

Cisco does seem kind of jumpy but he's yet to figure out if that's part of his personality or if he's just excited to be here again. He remembers how he'd felt when he came here for the first time only a few days ago, he can't imagine what it must be like when you've worked here.

“I'll manage to get home, don't worry.”, Barry tells Iris.

“I can also ask dad and Eddie--”

Barry shakes his head. “No need.” He doesn't want them to stop their work just because of him. After all, if nobody can take him, he's still got two healthy legs and a lot of time on his hands. He could just walk home.

“Have it your way,” she playfully rolls her eyes and pulls him into a quick hug. “See you tonight.”

Barry nods and then they watch her drive away.

“Okay, then let's--”, Barry starts but when he turns around, he sees Cisco already standing in front of the intercom.

Originally he'd figured he'd be the one to announce them and maybe brace both doctors to see their former co-worker again. Sure, it's likely that Dr Snow knows already that Cisco is back since she works at the clinic, but it's a whole different story to  _see_ him. He has no idea how exactly he'd want to warn them. Just showing up and saying that he's met their former co-worker on a graveyard doesn't seem to do the deed. Maybe he should tell them step by step? 

However, Cisco seems to have a different plan.

“Hey, open up! It's me! Cisqu _i_ t _o_!”, he chants into the intercom just when Barry catches up to him. 

The door is opened immediately.

They stumble inside, Cisco is wearing a wide grin while Barry wonders if it's been a good idea to bring him here without any warning whatsoever.

Cisco still knows his way around, obviously, so he quickly leads them into the room where Barry had met Professor Stein the last time he was here. It must be quite the centre of the building.

And although he's quite anxious about what Cisco being here could might lead to – how would the others react? If Cisco could help would they still need  _him_ ? –, he can't help but still be in awe about this place. The different devices still fascinate him, he could reach out and just use them, if he wanted to. It really is a dream come true to be here.

“Cool, innit? Actually, I--”, Cisco points at something that looks like a big gun.

“It is good to see you, Mr Ramon.”, they suddenly hear Wells say behind them and twirl around.

“And you, Doc!”, Cisco grins but his smile falls when he notices he doesn't have to look up to Wells. “Holy crap, what happened?”

“The Rising did things to all of us.”, Wells answers and Barry could swear his eyes roamed over him for a second. “But don't you worry, adjustments have been made. Hello to you, too, Mr Allen.”

“Is it okay I'm here?”, Cisco asks before Barry can do any more than open his mouth.

“Of course.”, Wells says, “You're always welcome at STAR Labs.”

“Thanks.”, Cisco smiles. “So, what's up here? Barry's said something about a cure?”

They – which means mostly Dr Wells – quickly tell him about their plans, some things even Barry didn't know about yet. Wells explains the special rolls of him and Stein and how for now they want to test different chemicals based off the serum that's been given out up to now. 

“With your agreement, Cisco, we'd have a third neutral party involved to see if the tests turn out differently depending on when the sufferer died.”

Cisco nods. “But... look, the last thing I remember is that Ronnie and I went on this boat trip and Professor Stein was still--”

He's interrupted when they hear something metallic fall down onto the floor. Barry doesn't even have to turn around to know it's Dr Snow.

“Cisco?”, she says quietly, Barry's barely able to hear her.

“Cait!”, Cisco shouts the louder and then they run into each other with open arms.

Barry feels quite uncomfortable seeing those two people he barely knows exchange this kind of affection so he tries to avert his eyes to somewhere else. It's kind of hard all of sudden, though, especially when he hears how Dr Snow starts  _sobbing_ .

“You're back!”, she breathes into Cisco's neck and he lets out a loud sigh at that as well.

“Course I am.”, Cisco answers. “Good to see you.”

Dr Snow lets out a startled laugh and pulls back, her hand tracing over his cheek. “I missed you.”

“You too.”, Cisco replies. “Where's Ronnie, though?”

And although Barry still has no idea who this Ronnie even is, he knows that was probably the worst time to mention him. Dr Snow's smile vanishes and she takes her trembling hand down, tears start to come up again but this time she does her best to suppress the sobs. “He... He's dead.”

“What?”, Cisco says quietly, eyes wide in shock.

“He... when you guys were...”

“But I'm here, too!”, Cisco replies, trying to force a hopeful smile. It falls when he sees Caitlin start to cry again.

“He didn't come back!”, she says loudly, almost screams it into his face and it even pains _Barry_. “Everyone came back! But he didn't!”

“Oh, Caitlin,” Cisco says, trying his best to stay calm but Barry can tell he fights himself, as he pulls her head back against his collarbone.

Again, Barry tries to look away. This isn't his place to be, he isn't supposed to watch two strangers grieve about someone he doesn't even know, and he almost lets out a sigh of relief when his eyes meet Wells' who nods his head to the side. He catches the hint and walks over to the door quickly, followed by the doctor.

“I can imagine you're quite confused,” Dr Wells says when the door has closed behind them. He doesn't wait for Barry to answer but continues anyway, “Ronnie Raymond was Dr Snow's fiancé. And a close friend of Cisco's.”

“Oh,” is all Barry can say at that point. He's not sure if he's done the right thing by bringing Cisco here when it puts Dr Snow in pain this obviously.

“Don't feel bad, Barry, I'm positive they'll be good for each other at last. Caitlin has been on her own about this for years now.”, Wells says as if he's read his mind. “Of course, I regret the loss of Mr Raymond as well, but...”

“It's not the same.”, Barry finishes with a nod. After all, Wells knows both of them for longer than he does, so he'd be better at judging how they react. Being a boss is completely different from being a co-worker, a friend, even if Wells had been his most friendly self, he'd never have a connection to them as close as this Ronnie must have had. And from what he's gathered, Dr Snow must have lost her fiancé _and_ her best friend on the same day. How did she take up with this? At least Cisco is back at her side now, he might be able to ease the pain. 

“Dr Wells, may I ask a question?”, he suddenly feels the need to say.

“Of course.”

“It sounds like... Ronnie and Cisco died the same day. So how is it possible one of them is back while the other isn't?”

Wells gives him a long look. Then he says, “They died because of the same accident, yes, but on different days. Mr Raymond died almost immediately while Cisco was kept alive by machines for a few more weeks.”

“Oh,” Barry says, “And that accident was before Professor Stein's death?”

Dr Wells nods. “I figure all the bodies of people who've died before Professor Stein have been buried for too long. They're barely recognizable as human, I'd say.”

Barry understands and before he can stop himself, he says, “That sucks.”

“Indeed, it does.”, Wells says.

When they arrive at another room at last, Wells asks him if he still feels like running his tests. Barry agrees, after all it isn't him who's just learnt his best friend died and  _stayed_ dead, so he lets him take a sample of his blood. They do need the results, after all.

Wells tells him to do some easy exercises to test his body functions and like he's already expected, he scores about the same results as the last time he's been here. The only thing that's different is that Wells tells him there's more Serotonin in his blood, meaning he seems more content. Once he's understood that there are actually still hormones in his body, that's no surprise either, after all he's back at home with people he loves rather than sitting in a white room in a clinic all on his own.

“That's been it.”, Wells says when they've gone through all the tests.

Barry nods. He doesn't think Dr Snow would be up to driving him now. Well, probably she would insist that she could, but Barry is not exactly sure about that. After her breakdown now, he guesses the best she could do is spend some more time with Cisco and calm down.

He tells Wells goodbye when he's figured that out and asks him to tell Dr Snow and Cisco that he's gone home.

 

***

 

He hasn't spent as much time at the laboratories as he'd thought and even after an hour of walking home, neither Iris nor Joe are home yet. At this point he doesn't actually mind at all, because when he stands in the shower, he starts crying over everything before they could worry what could possibly be wrong.

He actually stops for a second when he notices he's able to produce tears just to sob even worse then. The fact that  _this_ is surprising him, that something so normal for the human body surprises him this much, that's a reason he's crying. He cries because while the Rising brought back some people, there are also a lot who stayed dead, like his mum or Dr Snow's fiancé. He cries because he is an  _undead_ zombie. He cries because Cisco deals with this so easily and he feels like breaking down about it any second. If he hadn't had this much practice with pretending to be okay from his normal life, he'd probably not be able to hold on much longer.

 

***

 

He stays at home for the next few days, he doesn't feel like going out at all, not when the day he met Cisco has felt like a whole week. After weeks of being isolated, it's scary to go back to socializing, he's exhausted and still has no idea how to react to anything. He doesn't know how to react to actually knowing what's been wrong with Dr Snow the whole time, Cisco's nature may be cheerful, but right now, it's also difficult to deal with. Generally, he feels uneasy behind outside just yet, he knows how he upsets strangers, how they barely dare looking at him. 

He has barely even faced his family, Joe and Iris have both come to his room at least twice a day, but he's only ever given them short answers until they left again. He does feel kind of bad because of it, after all they just want to help him, but he wouldn't know how to explain what he's feeling, he's not even sure himself, it changes like every minute. Sometimes he's quite content, then he feels sad all of sudden and the next thing he knows is that old numb feeling he's had in the clinic. 

Nobody has visited him since he's gotten out of the hospital, he's figured it's because they either are scared of him or outside of the city. And about his former co-workers he had the feeling they hadn't been really friends, only  _friendly_ with each other, so they have no reason to seek his company, especially not when he's a  _ zombie _ . 

It's a pretty big surprise when after a few days, the bell rings when Iris and Joe are at work. He's wondering if he really should get downstairs and open the door. Who would even be outside at a time like this except for journalists and the HVF? What if there's people who simply want to bother him, people who have found out a sufferer is living here?

He takes a deep breath, bracing himself to go open the door. If those were people who are just here to bug him, he could easily send them off. He's a sufferer, after all. That should be one of his mandatory skills, shouldn't it? 

Still, he goes down the stairs slowly, as if considering if he's doing the right thing by opening the door, but after only a few moments he's downstairs, facing the door. Another deep breath and he opens it – to see Cisco standing there.

“Cisco?”

“Uh, yeah. Hi.”, Cisco says, waving awkwardly. “You remember me, that's cool.”

Barry raises an eyebrow at him. “Of course? Um... Do you want to come in?”

Cisco nods and scoots inside next to him, walking over to the couch and sitting down like he's never done anything but visit him. “Haven't heard of you in a while.”

For a second Barry considers blurting out that of course he hasn't, they know each other for half a day only, so it's not much likely he'd go and ring him up. Besides, he doesn't even have his phone number or anything. But then he remembers what Cisco is like and shrugs. “Been busy.”

Cisco eyes him, “Really? With what?”

“Uh...”, Barry starts, thinking quickly about anything to say. It shouldn't be something to cool, or else Cisco would want to see it, but then again, Cisco may want to see _anything_. 

“Okay, come on, you can talk to me, alright?”, Cisco says before he can answer. “We may not know each other pretty well, but I understand you, right? Probably better than anyone else, man.”

He stares at Cisco, not sure what to answer. Has he been this obvious? He's always been more on the introverted side, he needs his alone time sometimes, so he'd guessed Iris and Joe wouldn't worry too much. But seeing that someone he doesn't even know is sure something must be up, confuses him. Cisco's right, if there's one person who understands what he's going through, it must be Cisco who is initially living the same hell as him.

“So, if you wanna talk, I'm here for you, yeah?”, Cisco continues. “I'm living with Caitlin now. West of the city, if you didn't know.”

“I-- I didn't know.”, Barry responds. “Uh, thanks.”

“You're welcome.”, Cisco smiles. “So, I'm guessing Caitlin hasn't been exactly friendly to you? She's like that sometimes. Especially after...”, he drifts off.

“Uh, no.”, Barry shakes his head quickly. “She's been very nice! But also distanced, you know? The only person I've seen her be cold to was Professor Stein, actually.”

Cisco looks at him for a moment before nods slowly. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Have they worked together?”, Barry asks. He knows it's weird not to ask her herself, but if Cisco said he could talk to him, he'll do it. It just seems so easy to do, like Cisco isn't going to judge him, no matter what he does.

Cisco shakes his head and takes a breath. “No, uh, Stein was actually my mentor. And... well, Ronnie's.”

“Oh.”, Barry makes. That explains why Dr Snow has reacted so coldly when Stein appeared. He's died shortly after Ronnie, so Barry guesses he didn't get around to say he's sorry the first time around, he knows that Ronnie must still be dead if he's the oldest sufferer and still he hasn't said a single word about Ronnie when they'd met. If he were Caitlin, he'd be pissed, too.

“Yeah, um, apparently she thinks he may have caused our deaths.”, Cisco continues.

Barry raises an eyebrow. He knows that they'd been on a boating trip, so how exactly should Stein have caused their accident? Has he manipulated the boat? Why would he? “What?”

“Yeah, it's... it's kind of stupid. I mean, not Caitlin. She isn't stupid. But... it's not like Stein forced us to go on that trip, we did it voluntarily, it would have been nice, you know?”, Cisco says.

“What would have been nice?”, Barry asks, wondering if he's missed anything.

“Uh, well, once we learnt Stein had cancer, we'd figured we should do something nice for him at last.”, Cisco tells him. “And, I don't know why we thought _that_ would be so rad, but we figured catching some fish and making his favourite meal would be a cool idea.”

“Oh,” Barry makes again. The pieces click together, no wonder Caitlin is that angry at Stein. Her fiancé and friend have died because they wanted to do something good for him and he didn't even mean to acknowledge his death. But then he thinks, Stein has experienced his own death, too, maybe that's occupying his mind enough.

“I'm cool with him though. I think...”, Cisco tells him. “It was _our_ idea after all.”

Barry nods, understanding what he's saying. Other people shouldn't be blamed for a decision that you made, he doesn't blame Iris for getting her bag stolen. Of course, if that hadn't happened, he wouldn't have died, but she hadn't begged for someone to steal her bag and she certainly didn't tell Barry to run after him, that was something  _he_ has done all by himself. A bad feeling crouches up his mind.  _ Had _ she blamed herself? He knows that she had felt bad of course, but he's ever asked to which degree – he actually has been a lousy friend since he came back, so selfish, obsessed with his own problems. He should talk to her this night.

Pushing the thought away for later, after all Iris isn't here and while he feels guilty he didn't worry about her, it's Cisco who he's talking to, so he should concentrate on him. “What have  _you_ been up to the past few days?”, he changes the subject. “Except moving I guess?”

“Well, it hasn't been _moving_ per se.”, Cisco says, “I've stayed in the clinic before.”

“What? But I've met you outside.”

Cisco laughs awkwardly. “Yeah, of course, once the treatment had settled in they couldn't hold me back, could they? But yeah, I needed a place to sleep and if you don't have someone to stay with here, they offer you to stay there. So I slept there, was most comfortable.”

Barry frowns. “You don't have family here? So you aren't from here originally?”

“Why, yes, I am.”, Cisco says, “But my family, well, they moved away after my death.”

“Oh. That sucks.”, is the only thing Barry can say. He knows how hard it is to be separated from your family one day to another, he remembers the early days at Joe's, how bad he's felt.

Cisco shrugs. “I haven't been  _that_ close to them any way. So phone calls it is, for now.”

This time he's the one who changes the subject, he tells Barry how they've looked at the samples at STAR Labs and figured that technically, looking at the DNA, sufferers are humans like any other. The reason for their dangerous behaviour in an untreated stage must be because of something else. They've figured since the serum (Cisco tells him it's actually called ' Neurotriptyline') is basically nothing but a cocktail of chemicals that stimulates the brain, that's where the cure must be hidden. 

“It's probably something to do with the fact that our _everything_ is so slow.”, Cisco says, “So we'll have to find a way to spice things up permanently.”

Barry's already figured something of that kind, after all the sufferers being so pale and everything could be explained by their low blood circulation. “We can't just go around and do tests on random sufferers.”, he notices.

Cisco nods. “Dr Wells is sure testing on blood samples would be enough. Maybe he's got a machine that can simulate the whole circumstances.”

“Oh, yeah, would make sense.”, Barry answers. He doesn't have a single clue yet about everything that Wells may have invented or be using at work, he could've things already that people would only dream of in a few, always a step ahead like he's already seen the future. From the books Barry has read about him, it seems to be very likely he's already thought ahead when he first heard about the Rising.

“So, yeah, that was your update on work and now you're coming with me.”, Cisco says and gets up all of sudden.

“What? Coming where?”

Cisco rolls his eyes playfully, meaning that he should know by now. “My-- I mean,  _ Caitlin _ 's place! You're all by yourself here, that must get lonely.”

Before he knows it, Cisco grabs his arm and pulls him up, dragging him to the door. He's just got enough time to take his keys off the stand in front of the door.

 

***

 

On his way to Caitlin's place he's imagined how weird it would be to show up there. After all, Dr Snow is still kind of his doctor, she's the one who tried to talk to him back in the clinic, she's the one who'd been there for him, alas not in the way he might have needed. 

But when they arrive, Cisco leading him up some stairs in the house and opening the door to one of the flats, his worries are gone for a moment when he sees what the place Dr Snow lives in is like. It doesn't surprise him how tidy it seems to be, as far as he's gotten to know her Dr Snow has struck him as quite an organized person. The hallway's walls are painted in a nice shade of yellow, inviting you to come in, and on one of the walls there hangs a big painting. It's bright and full of different shapes that blend into another, building a different and even more colourful figure. He can't tell what it is, maybe it's simply because he has no idea of art at all, but it's really stunning and unlike any picture he's ever seen, not like those boring landscapes or religious paintings you see in museums.

Cisco notices his awe and nudges his shoulder. “That's one of Caitlin's.”, he says, visibly beaming with pride.

“Seriously?”, Barry asks, mouth hanging open now. 

Cisco nods. “I know. It's amazing, right? She's never even taken a single class.”

“Wow, that's--”

“Not a big deal.”, Dr Snow interrupts him. “But thanks for liking it.”

“Well, yeah, of course!”, Barry answers with all honesty. He's not just saying it because it's a polite thing to do, but because he _really_ likes it. “Hi, by the way.”

“Hi, Barry. Why don't you come in properly?”

Only a few moments he finds himself on a big sofa between Dr Snow (who insists he should call her Caitlin now that they're basically co-workers) and Cisco, an old show he's never heard of playing on TV. They've both talked him into staying and watching it with him, saying how good it is, and soon enough he's hooked. 

It's nice to spend time with them, he's comfortable and takes his mind off everything for once, he feels quite normal for the first time he's left the clinic. He concentrates on the show almost entirely, laughing at the comments Cisco makes and talking theories about the plot with Caitlin, just like you'd do when you're watching something with friends.

He feels like he's found more than one reason why he should stay and come back here in the future.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apart from the obligatory **Death tw** , please mind **Police Brutality**.

When he'd woken up in the morning a few weeks (that he's spent with working at STAR Labs or simply hanging out with Iris or Caitlin and Cisco, who seemed to be really cool once you get used to them) later, he hasn't particularly felt like watching or reading anything. He's felt like doing something productive for once, lately he's felt like he's done nothing but hanging around. They haven't planned to do anything in STAR Labs today, so he can't go there either, nobody would be there and without Wells, nobody gets to go in lately, not even Caitlin. Barry guesses he's grown more careful after the Rising, trying to keep up with what's happening in the building without anyone doing their own thing inside. 

He figures an easy thing to do would probably be cooking, so he calls Joe around 10, asking if he would come home from lunch some time. Joe says that he doesn't  _have_ to cook, using the same arguments as always, that he won't get anything out of it, but he insists to do it. In the end Joe agrees and tells him he'll bring Thawne along.

He's spent two hours with preparing several ingredients, cooking them like he remembers. The only difficult thing is flavouring them since he can't try how it tastes, but he guesses he'll still have the right portions saved in his mind. 

Joe and Thawne come home a little before he's finished, shortly after one in the afternoon. Joe comments how nice it smells and Barry is actually proud. Of course, he's cooked before his death, too, but it's nice to know he still manages to do well even when he can't taste it without having to throw up. 

It's finished soon and when he tries it, even Thawne compliments it. 

At first it's quite an awkward atmosphere, there's nothing really to talk about. He hasn't been around for a long time and now, everything that's on everyone's minds is the current situation of the city, and Barry is not sure if he should ask about work. Maybe he could bring up baseball? He has no idea if Thawne is a fan.

Just when he's considered that, Thawne's phone is going off and he answers it quickly, having a quick conversation while wearing a serious expression that makes Barry wonder if everything's alright. He's quite calm though, so Barry guesses this isn't about Iris. If anything happened to her, they'd call Joe first, wouldn't they?

“Yeah, got it. We're on our way.”, Thawne says before hanging up. Then he looks over to Joe. “That's been Singh. There's a Rabid down on Matesfield Street. He called Snart as well, though.”

“Then let's hurry even more.”, Joe answers while getting up and grabbing his jacket already. 

And then they're out of the door, leaving a confused Barry behind. 

He's staring after them for a moment, eyes fixed on the door until his mind starts racing. Matesfield Street isn't too far away, just down the block, actually. Would they be safe? Not just Joe and Thawne – the entire block. What if they can't circle the sufferer where they've been found? Would he run through the neighbourhood, killing innocent people? 

He wonders if one sufferer can hurt another. He's read nothing about that at all, but he's figured the people of Central City haven't exactly cared about what happened to their attackers, which he can understand. 

Before he knows it, he gets up and runs down the street, his feet carrying him as fast as possible. The HVF have a head start, he's waited too long, stayed in the kitchen for too long, but he needs to make it in time, to check if they are safe. He doesn't know what makes him do it, even if he were there, he has no fighting skills at all, it's pretty stupid of him, but it's like an invisible force is pulling him to them. 

He's out of breath soon, which makes sense since not only his heart is beating slowly, his lungs are slow too for that exact reason, he shouldn't be able to actually run for long, but he makes himself continue until he finally arrives at the corner of the street.

He's not sure what he's expected to happen, but it surely isn't  _this_ . He did not expect to find Joe's whole team standing there, all of them with their guns out and pointing at a single sufferer. He doesn't look like any sufferer Barry's seen before, his movements look kinda stiff and even from here he can see his face is twisted in grimaces that look  _hurtful_ . He doesn't know what he's doing when he runs up to them, throwing himself between the two parties. 

_Facing_ the sufferer is even worse. Barry watches his eyes' focus go from Rory to him, the corners of his mouth pulled back like a dog about to attack would do. He's not wearing any of the equipment the sufferers usually get, his eyes are as white as his skin, blue veins running through them. He looks like he's about to jump at Barry and he's sure if he did, he wouldn't have a chance to survive. 

"Barry! Get the  _hell_ away from here!", he hears Joe shout at him and when Barry sees how the sufferer's attention goes to his foster father, he knows he has to do something. 

"Hey, look at me!", Barry basically  _screams_ at the sufferer, he's desperate to get his attention. 

"Allen, what are you  _doing_ ?", Thawne says behind him, way quieter than Joe but still, the sufferer's eyes flicker over to him. 

"No, hey, look!", Barry says. The thing is, he really doesn't have a clue what he's doing, he just knows if he got attacked it wouldn't be as bad. He's been dead already, his life is not the same any more, he can barely do anything he used to do, he really wouldn't mind dying again. He thinks of Iris for a moment, she'd have Thawne and Joe, she's gone through this once, this time he won't die because he's been an  _idiot_ but because it couldn't be any other way. "Look, I'm the same as you!" 

He hears someone hiss somewhere behind him, has no idea who it's been, when he slowly lifts his arm and wipes over his cheek with the sleeve of his shirt. 

"I'm the same, alright? I'm not gonna hurt you!", he says, eyes locked with the sufferer's and for a moment he could swear the other is about to close his mouth. Before Barry knows it, he's the same as before. "We're the same! You don't have to do this!", Barry says, no idea what else to tell him. 

The sufferer follows his movement as Barry's arm goes up again, his dark hair falls into his face but he doesn't seem to notice. But he shuts his mouth when Barry takes out one of his lenses. 

"Okay, see? We're the same. I'm not gonna do anything to you.", Barry says, reaching out an arm. He can't even tell himself if it's for defense or to build up contact to the sufferer. "You can get treatment-- It gets better, I swear--!" 

He watches as the sufferer seems to come to his senses, he could swear his skin is back to the normal white now, his eyes too, only light traces of the blue left. His posture changes too, he's not in fighting mode anymore. Barry knows it's still dangerous, but he  _needs_ to take a step forward. 

Suddenly there's a gunshot and Barry freezes. The sufferer is on the ground suddenly, motionless, and Barry can't look away, he watches how blood starts to flood the street around his head, darkening the pavement. Sickness crawls up his stomach, it's worse than when he's eaten something and he's just about to vomit when Thawne's voice hits his ear. 

"Are you fucking insane, Snart?", he shouts, voice more aggressive than Barry could ever have  _imagined_ . "What kinda bullshit was that?"

Barry can't look away, he can't turn around to face Thawne and  _see_ his reaction, he can't take his eyes of the body in front of him, just lying there without any clues of what he's been about to do only moments ago. Someone is lying on the ground just a few meters in front of him and he can't move, can't check if he really is dead, if he can help, Barry can't move at all, he tries to and his legs won't move. 

He can't do anything but stare, at one point he can't even make out what the people around him are saying. The numb feeling comes back, he can't do anything, it won't go away this time, he's sure. He hears how Rory says something rather calmly while Thawne still is  _so loud_ .

He must've sunk to his knees at some point, he doesn't remember when, but when he feels someone grabbing his shoulders, he is on the ground.

He flinches at the touch, it's all so suddenly, he  _doesn't want_ to be touched-- are they going to hurt him, too? He's just like the other sufferer, he's said so himself, they shot him down just like that, why shouldn't they do it with him as well? He could be a lifeless body lying on the ground, there wouldn't be any difference, really.

“Bar, are you alright?”, he hears Joe say softly, right next to him, he must be the one who touched him, “Look, it's me, it's okay.”

Barry can't move his head, his eyes are still fixed on the body, he watches how the pavement turns a dark red, almost black, he hears Joe's words but he can't react. Would this man have died if he hadn't interfered? It's his fault, his fault only, they could've taken him down without killing, someone else would have shot and only injured him, not killed, but he gave Snart the time he needed--

“Bar, do you--?”, Joe starts but suddenly something in Barry takes over, he jumps up onto his feet, shakes off Joe's hands and then he runs. 

He doesn't know for how long he runs, his mind isn't able to produce a single proper thought, the streets are racing past him. He doesn't know if he has a destination, he just runs. Runs away from the sufferer, runs away from  _Snart_ , runs away from Joe who tries to tell him lies, who tries to tell him everything is fine and that none of that is his fault. He runs away from Thawne's shouting. He runs away from his fault. 

Before he knows it, he's in an apartment complex, hand knocking against a door he knows all too well.

When Caitlin opens the door, he doesn't let her start talking at all but immediately asks, “Can I stay here for a bit?”, in a monotone voice, he's not even breathing heavily this time.

He acknowledges her nodding and then he scoots past her, feet carrying him into her bedroom without even stopping to say hello to Cisco.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Homophobia** and **Police Brutality TW** for this one (besides the obligatory Death, Murder and Depression).

Barry's eyes open at the sound of someone opening the blinds. Well, he tries to open his eyes but they close again immediately, blinded by the sunlight that's coming into the room.

He takes a deep breath.

He didn't even know the sun is shining, he doesn't know how long he's been in this bed that isn't his own, hidden behind those curtains, hidden from everything and everyone.

Who'd come to get him out of this? Cisco and Caitlin have been here, of course, they've tried to talk to him, to find out what has happened. He should have told them, after all they let him stay at their place, but he just couldn't. He couldn't say what he has seen, that the blood of someone has only missed him by inches.

Neither Joe nor Iris have been here – at least not that he knows – maybe Cisco has turned them away, he wouldn't know.

His time – hours? days? weeks? He remembers Cisco coming in and giving him the serum so he must've been here for a day at least – has been spent with nothing but staring at the wall and sleeping, pretty much the same as in the clinic, images of what has happened haunting him.

He could've stopped it. He should've concentrated more on Snart, Iris had told him what Snart's like – but he didn't.

Slowly he opens his eyes again, focussing them on the dark silhouette in front of the light. It doesn't take him too long to realize it's Thawne standing above him, his hands on his hips and a stern expression on his face.

“Too much sleep is not good, I've heard.”, Thawne says as soon as he must have realized he's got Barry's attention.

Barry huffs. “I'm sure I've had worse. Like being dead.”

Thawne crooks an eyebrow at him for a second and then something happens that Barry would have _never_ expected. Thawne's mouth goes from a thin line into a _smile_ until he finally breaks out into a chuckle.

And at that, Barry laughs as well.

“What are you doing here?”, Barry asks then, finally sitting up from his position. He doesn't want to make himself look more like an idiot by lying in bed while talking to Thawne.

“Um,” Thawne starts and taps his fingers on the window sill. “Caitlin let me in. I... figured I'm the one who should talk to you.”

Barry doesn't say anything. He's not sure what to say. Thawne has been there, yes, and he appears to have the saying on an emergency, but he hasn't stopped Snart either. There's nothing that can be said to make things unhappen, there's nothing that could erase the images from his mind.

“Can I-- Can I sit?”, Thawne asks carefully, pointing at the space next to Barry's legs.

Barry nods but pulls his legs closer to cross them. He doesn't know why he doesn't send Thawne away like he's done with Caitlin or Cisco, maybe it's because he's been there too, that he doesn't have to go all over it again. Maybe it's because for the first time Thawne seems to be kind of friendly to _him_.

“We... we can't send Snart out of the city because the quarantine is still up, as you know,” Thawne starts and sinks down onto the blanket's fabric, his eyes only meeting Barry's shortly. At that Barry realizes that he must still look the same as the day it happened, half his face without make-up, one of his lenses missing, and his hand goes up to touch his cheek before he can stop himself. “But, he's under arrest. Not at Iron Heights, of course, since it can't be used right now, but one of the … normal police officers is keeping an eye on him at home.”

Barry looks up to him again and this time they both keep their gaze. Thawne looks serious, not his usual distrusting expression, but one that says he means what he's saying, that it's something he supports as well. “He's-- under arrest? But I thought... I thought that's how you-- how you guys handle those things.”

Thawne shakes his head. “Not anymore. Not since we learnt sufferers could be injured. They should be treated almost like normal convicts now, not killed if it can be handled differently.”

Barry swallows at the word _killed_ , he doesn't want it to be put into words, he doesn't want to realize just how bad things are.

“ _Rathaway_ should've been handled differently.”, Thawne adds quietly and looks out of the window.

Barry doesn't say anything but grabs into the blanket and kneads it around a bit, he doesn't know how things work now after The Rising, but if Thawne says so, it must be true. He shares his opinion, of course he does, but he doesn't feel like it's his to say anything, he has no saying at all. He's nobody who decides, he's the one people decide over. He doesn't even know that Rathaway guy, hadn't even known his name up to now, he doesn't know if he simply forgot to take his meds or if he did it on purpose, he just knows nobody really deserves to die.

“Especially after what you've done.”

Now Barry's attention goes away from the blanket again, his eyes try to find Thawne's but he's still looking outside. “What? I haven't done anything.”

Finally Thawne looks back at him, an eyebrow raised in disbelief. “Allen, are you kidding me? You talked that guy back to his senses! He stopped being all crazy and calmed down, at least.”

Barry stares at him. He's been thinking about whether it's been _his_ doing, if the sufferer really had calmed down because of him, but then he'd figured it might have been the guns aiming at him that made him stop. How would he know how sufferers without meds react to weapons? “That--? That wasn't me.”

“It was you, Allen. I've faced a lot of Rabids these past months and they never stopped.”, Thawne says, “It must've been you.”

Barry understands they probably don't stop at guns, they're out of their minds without the meds – nobody right in their mind would even attack a person as violently as Rabids do – but was it really him? It's not like he has a superpower, he's just wiped away his make-up, he's just treated Rathaway as an equal because they _were_ equals, both of them brought back to life by something higher, both of them depending on a temporary solution to stop them from what has happened _to_ Rathaway-- Barry should've given him the serum and then he'd be fine, he should've been quicker and then Snart wouldn't have shot Rathaway.

“What you've done was incredibly brave, Barry.”, Thawne says and Barry almost jumps at his voice curling itself around his name, “Brave, but stupid nonetheless.”

“I know, I shouldn't have-- I disturbed your work, I should've known better--”

“Allen, did you even listen to me?”, Thawne says quickly and turns his whole body around to Barry. “It wasn't a mistake what you have done, it was something remarkable, something to open our eyes.  You showed us a possibility how to stop those gone sufferers without even _injuring_ them! And who knows, without you, he could have hurt _one of us_.”

“Maybe Snart wouldn't have shot him lethally if I hadn't made him stop for so long.”, Barry says without even realizing. He must've thought about it, down in his subconsciousness that if Rathaway had kept on moving, if Barry hadn't stopped him, maybe Snart would've hit him, but not in the head, not where he did, but somewhere less fatal so that he'd still be alive. If he hadn't been there, Rathaway could still be alive.

Thawne shakes his head. “I know how Snart works. He would've aimed to kill, _especially_ then. How he reacted while the sufferer was _calm_ just shows his true nature.”

This time Barry's eyes look over to the window. He hadn't even known before that there's one branch reaching out to right before his window, that birds jump around on it, probably on their search for the last berries and insects before it gets too cold. There's one right now, quietly hopping over the branch and for a split second, it actually looks inside, its eyes meeting Barry's.

“Have Rathaway's parents been informed?”, Barry asks then, trying to adjust the topic a bit. What they've just mentioned is definitely something he'll need more time to think about.

“That's, um, not exactly possible.”, Thawne starts carefully. “They don't want to have anything to do with him.”

“What?”, Barry exclaims. “Is it because he's a sufferer?”

Thawne shakes his head. “Before his death already, actually. They cut him off completely when he came out to them. Essentially, that's also the reason for his death in first place. Homophobia, I mean.”

“That's awful.”

“Your friends over at STAR knew him, actually.”, Thawne continues. “They identified him.”

“They _knew_ him?”

“He used to work there, apparently. Until his death. Wells asked to get every killed sufferer's corpse for analyses and Singh agreed. So when we brought him there, it was quite a shock.”

“Oh, damn.”, Barry makes and closes his eyes. Just how many people did his friends know that died? “How long have they known? I can't believe I turned them away when--”

“Since today, actually. We couldn't bring Rathaway's corpse to STAR Labs immediately, and when we did and saw their reaction, I knew I had to talk to you-- Caitlin said you wouldn't let anyone in and that's why they had no clue what happened _at all_. Allen, it's not good to bottle things up, you should know this.”

“I didn't--”, Barry starts but Thawne cuts him off.

“You don't need to explain why you didn't want to talk about it, I understand completely. But sometimes you just... should.”, Thawne gives him a sad smile. “If you don't feel like talking to anyone you actually know, you can tell me.”

Barry wants to ask just how Eddie knows all this stuff so well, that you don't want to talk about this with your friends, that you don't wanna put your burdens onto them-- but he has just said so himself, they don't know each other, he's nowhere on the level of being allowed to ask such questions. “I... Thank you.”, he manages to return the smile.

“Okay, then let's get you going again, shall we?”, Thawne says and gets up from his spot on the bed. “Cisco said you could borrow some of his clothes. Although I'm not sure you fit into them?”, he adds with a look at Barry's legs.

“I'll find something.”

 

***

 

Driving home with Thawne turns out to be less awkward than Barry would have thought. While before, every vibe he'd gotten from the man seemed to be full of nothing but distrust, the talk they've just had changed something about that. It kind of feels more friendly now, and when Eddie shoots him a look out of the corner of his eye, it seems reassuring more than suspecting. They don't actually talk right now, there's nothing left to say between them at this point, but at least it's not like Barry would rather walk through the entire city than share a car ride with Thawne.

When they arrive at Joe's, he does get out of the car immediately, however. But he doesn't rush up to the house's door, instead he lingers next to the car.

If he goes inside, surely Iris and Joe would want him to talk about what's happened. Joe has been there, he knows what has happened, but Barry is sure that's even more of a reason for his foster father to try to make him talk about it. He doesn't want to talk about it, the conversation he's had with Eddie has been enough, he doesn't need any more reminding.

Did they tell Iris? Did they tell her someone was killed right in front of them, only inches between Rathaway and Barry?

“Come on, Allen, it's gonna be alright.”, Eddie suddenly says next to him and nudges his shoulder.

A glance up at his face that reveals an encouraging smile tells Barry that _maybe_ it will be. He takes a deep breath and steps after him towards the door.

“Barry!”, he hears Iris exclaim as soon as Eddie has opened the door with a key he must've gotten at some point and before he knows any better, her arms are wrapped around his neck, pulling him into a warm embrace.

He returns it, at first out of an instinct that must've been awoken by her touch, then because he finally realizes how he's been craving it, how he's been craving not just for an interaction with another person but for _her_. How did he not think of coming to her earlier? Whenever there's something been wrong in his life, he'd gone to Iris. She's always been there, she's always been understanding, has been the only person to believe him that his father did not kill his mum, she's been there when Tony Woodward picked on him in High School. Why wasn't his first action to go and talk to her?

“We've been worried about you!”, Iris continues and drags him inside, back into the living room. There's no sight of Joe, much to his surprise, but he figures he must be busy with police duties. Is there another sufferer on the run? He can't imagine that, actually, not when Thawne is here, having nothing better to do than escort him. Maybe he has to discuss something with Singh.

“Sit down, Barry.”, Iris says and presses him down onto the couch. “I'd make you a tea but...”

At that Barry lets out a small chuckle, not sure why exactly. Somehow it amuses him that his usual rituals aren't possible anymore, that things like lunch dates with her are things long gone.

Finally Iris seems to realize that Eddie is there, too, she looks up to him with a smile but Barry can see the worry in her eyes as well.

“Alright, I gotta get going again.”, he hears Eddie say.

“Yeah, right. Dad is still at STAR, I think.”, Iris tells him and gets up from where she's been crouching on the floor next to Barry.

She accompanies Thawne to the door and Barry can hear them exchange a few words, but he can't make out what they're talking about.

Soon enough, though, she's back and sits down on the couch next to him this time. “How are you feeling?”, she asks quietly.

How _is_ he feeling? It's kind of numb again, but he guesses that might be his body's defense mechanism, that at this point he's trying to get rid of the fear he's had, trying to forget the memory, and tunes out _all_ feelings instead. Better safe than sorry.

“I don't know...”, he admits.

“It's okay,” Iris tells him and the way she says it is exactly she used after his mum's death, he remembers it clearly, it's a thing he recalled often when he's had nightmares. She seems to know what has happened with Rathaway.

“I'm... I'm not sure about that.”, Barry says. He knows he can't do anything about it, he can't travel back in time, he should move forward instead. He _knows_ he should use it as a motivation, to help others who are in the same position – his old job was to _investigate_ murders, he shouldn't be dumbstruck by it. “I think I need to go to STAR Labs as well.”, he adds suddenly without realizing the thought had crossed his mind.

“Barry...”, Iris puts her hand on his arm, “I don't think that's a good idea.”

“I need to talk to Cisco and Cait. I've been horrible to them.”, he answers in a monotone voice.

“They'll understand. You can talk to them later. You can't go _now_ when they...”

“I need to go. Exactly _then_.”, Barry says and gets up from the couch, barely feeling how Iris's hand falls down from his arm.

He can't really explain it, not even to himself, but it's not only Caitlin and Cisco why he wants to go to the laboratories, somehow it's like Rathaway is pulling him there. If his body is there, Barry needs to see it. Maybe to realize it's done, finite, that he can't do anything about it for real. Maybe he just feels like he owes it to him.

“Fine,” Iris says, giving him a stern look and getting up as well. “I'm gonna drive you, though. God knows you won't be able to stay on your bike right now.”

 

***

 

As determined as Barry has been to get to STAR Labs, now that he's standing in front of it, he's not sure about that anymore. It's already taken them a bit to get here, traffic clocking up right in front of them, but now there's something else keeping him from entering, something internal, the image of Rathaway getting down in front of him flashing through his mind – and although he feels sick at that thought, it motivates him to get going finally.

Iris shoots him a concerned look followed by an expression that's probably meant to tell him he doesn't have to do this – but actually, he _does_. He does have to go inside, see Rathaway, talk to his friends, he's really never been so sure to do something.

He catches her eye and takes a deep breath before nodding at her. As he moves onto the path leading to the building's entrance she scoots over to his side, grabbing his arm not only to support him physically but also mentally.

And then they go.

Wells lets out a confused “Mr Allen?” when they announce themselves over the intercom but doesn't sent them – or rather _him_ \- away.

The others must've been in the same room because when they've made their way up to the main hall, nobody is really surprised to see him standing there.

Wells continues showing his confusion by raising an eyebrow at him and both Joe and Thawne don't seem to comfortable with knowing him to be here either.

To _his_ surprise, however, Caitlin and Cisco don't look as down as he'd expected. Sure, they do look kind of blue but they do not look as close to tears as you'd suspect after hearing it's their colleague who's died.

Cisco simply steps up to him, wrapping his arms around a lower place of his shoulder since he can't reach any higher and pulls him into a hug, smiling at him afterwards, “Good to see your face again for a change, man.”

Barry can't help but return the smile, really honestly at Cisco's blatantness.

Caitlin follows Cisco's example and pulls him into an embrace of her own, almost pushing her friend away in her hurry. Barry hugs back, they don't exchange any words and they don't need to. He tries to put his gratitude into his hugs, thank her for letting him stay in _her_ bed of all places and to say how sorry he is, and he knows that Caitlin is saying how worried she’s been and probably still is.

“I'm sorry,” he still says when they part, “For everything.”

“ _Nothing_ is your fault.”, Caitlin says and when Barry looks behind her, he can see Wells nod along to her words.

They all stand there in silence for what must be hours, trying to accommodate to the new situation at hand, until Barry blurts out, “I need to see him,” with a look at Joe.

His foster dad opens his mouth to utter his concern, probably, but something in the way that Barry looks at him must make him change his mind. Instead, he nods with a serious expression, lips pressed into a firm line.

Iris knows that she can't make Barry change his mind, after the discussion they'd had at home and her general knowledge about him it must seem impossible, so she keeps quiet and Eddie does the same next to her. For a split second Barry can't help but wonder if this has been his intention after all.

“Barry, do you really--”, Caitlin starts.

Barry cuts her off, “I'm sure.”

“Then come along.”, Joe says and nods at one of the doors that lead deeper into the building. “He's still here.”

Barry has figured as much already, if he weren't there'd be no reason for Joe and Eddie to be still here, so he nods and walks along with him.

Joe leads him towards another room, not too far away, that's shielded from the hallway by a wall made of glass only. As far as Barry can see, there's nothing but a table inside with something long placed on it, a white sheet spread over it.

That must be Rathaway's body.

“Shall I wait here?”, Joe asks without looking at Barry.

“Yeah, for the time being, I guess.”, Barry answers slowly.

And then it's like his feet carry him to the room without his mind having to tell them. Almost mechanically, his hand turns the old-fashioned doorknob and then he is inside.

He doesn't exactly know his way around corpses, his way is to analyse _traces_ around the place of crimes once the body is gone, not to examine wounds on the body or whatsoever, so he's never really been around someone dead. He's only ever seen his mum's body at her funeral and somehow his mind has decided to treat that memory differently from what is happening right now.

He makes his way around the table, taking in the whole atmosphere of the room. It's fairly cold here, the air is fresh and Barry's sure it's probably for storage reasons but it doesn't remind him of death per se.

That is until he's at the body's side, hand hovering above the sheet. He knows he has to do it, but it's been like this the whole day, one end of his mind telling him he needs to face this, the other end yelling he should turn his back as fast as possible.

But he's learnt to face his problems, from the night his mother died to doing well in school while battling depression, so he closes his eyes for a second to brace himself.

And then he pulls it away, much faster than he's intended to, but the heat of the moment must've caught up on his movements as well.

He almost backs away in shock when Rathaway's face is revealed, eyes closed but the rest of it shows an expression of surprise. The last realization before his death still written over his face. The wound of the bullet breaking through his skin almost in the middle of his forehead has been cleaned out, traces of blood that must've coloured his face erased.

Barry gulps at the view in front of him. Before, he hadn't even realized just how young Rathaway looks, younger than him probably. He's had his second chance in living and it's taken from him right in front of Barry, maybe even because of him.

“I'm sorry,” he suddenly hears himself say, not caring whether Joe hears him or not, he doesn't even look up to see if his foster father is still around. “ _So_ sorry about what has happened to you.”

He doesn't know why but he feels some kind of connection to Rathaway, like he owes him now, to make the best of his own second chance to honour him.

He actually starts talking to Rathaway now, his head low and eyes fixed on everything but the hole in his forehead – his mouth seems to be a neutral place – and words flood out of his mouth.

He repeats how sorry he is, that he thought he could _save_ Rathaway from whatever treatment he would have gotten if Barry hadn't stepped in, that he didn't know just how _reckless_ Snart is. He tells him that Snart is under arrest now, that he won't be able to do any more harm. He also tells him that he understands what Rathaway must've gone through during his first life, that he's had similar albeit not as bad experiences.

He only stops talking when he hears a knock on the door. Looking up, he sees Cisco standing there.

He nods at him, saying that he can come in. Of course he can. If anyone can, it's Cisco and Caitlin. And Wells. They've known Rathaway, after all.

Cisco raises an eyebrow when he opens the door at last, his eyes obviously avoiding Rathaway's body. “Wanted to check up on you.”

Barry gives him a small smile. “I'm alright.”

For a moment they stay there in silence, across from each other and looking down at the body until Cisco says, “You know, I've never been too fond of him.”

“Rathaway?”, Barry breathes with a look up to his friend. It's kind of hard to say his name while their eyes meet just above his chest.

Cisco nods. “Hartley and I... we've had our differences. Our personalities did clash and how we handle problems. He _has_ been a dick,” he shoots an apologetic look at Rathaway's head, “But he's been a person after all. He's died after me, but I know for sure he didn't deserve it.”

They exchange a long look. Barry knows how difficult it must've been for Cisco to say that, admitting something about someone he didn't like without making any jokes does not seem to be a speciality of his.

Barry can't imagine himself in his position, facing the _corpse_ of his former co-worker, probably regretting that they hadn't gone along well.

“Come on then, let's get out of here.”, Barry suggests. He's not sure for how long he's been here but he's sure it's been quite a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously considering to file this fic under Thallen now... There's more to come


	9. Chapter 9

After that incident with Rathaway, life’s become... quite normal. Barry's life has gotten some kind of schedule now with him being at STAR Labs on most days or simply hanging out with Cisco and/or Cait (the latter depending on whether she's needed at the clinic which is still active in preparing sufferers for normal life) or Iris. Sometimes even Eddie tags along and it's pretty friendly between them.

Work at STAR becomes boring pretty quickly, apart from blood samples from him, Cisco or Stein who shows up every now and then and experimenting on them, testing how they react to different chemicals, there's not much to do.

Not much has changed in his life in comparison to the past month he's gotten to spend at home. In fact, the only thing that would come from the top of his head is that he stopped wearing his mousse at home. After all, it's so much work to apply it every morning and it's not like Iris or Joe don't know what he really looks like. He still wears his lenses, though. He can deal with looking like he's seen a ghost whenever his eyes cross a mirror, but he'd never get used to his eyes being barely any different from his skin.

They haven't done anything with Rathaway but the same tests on blood samples before having a small funeral. Wells had taken into consideration that maybe the body's cells turn back to normal after death, but that hasn't been the case, as Barry had guessed by how Hartley's outer appearance hadn't changed at all. He's been a sufferer despite his death and as soon as they were sure about that, Eddie's tried to contact his parents again, but they haven't shown any interest at all. Much to Barry's surprise, Wells has delivered a rather emotional speech (for his standards), and Caitlin later explained to him how he's been quite close to Hartley.

They haven't had any success in their search for a cure yet, but Wells and Caitlin still seem determined and Cisco is his everlasting optimistic self. Barry tries to be the same because after all, the city is going back to normal as well.

There's barely anyone left who spends their day inside full of fear. Instead, the streets are full of people again. Iris is happy that the news station is taking up normal topics again and the TV itself is not just for emergency information any more, but shows the usual programmes again. Lots of shops have taken down their “Rotters Out!” signs once they realized that after treatment, the sufferers aren't any more dangerous than the next person.

Central City is really going back to the city life it's had before everything.

The random weather of November has passed by now, instead December has taken up to be cold and cloudy although there's rarely ever been snow covering the ground since Barry can think, and Christmas is approaching in rapid steps. Barry's glad he's allowed to go into most stores again, albeit the cashiers always keeping an eye on him like being a sufferer makes him more prone to stealing things, because it means he can buy presents for his friends.

For Cisco he's bought a shirt that says “I survived the Zombie Apocalypse!” because he thinks he'd appreciate the irony. Why the city actually keeps selling those is beyond him.

Finding a present for Caitlin was way more complicated but he's figured an album from a band she seemed to like couldn't be too wrong. He's checked her CD collection before to find out what's missing.

He's got a book of theories on time travel for Wells because he seems to be interested in it, figuring by the small TARDIS that Barry has seen on his lab desk at some point.

He's yet to find something for Joe, he's had the same problem last year already. This truly is the proof that the better you know a person, the more difficult it becomes to find a present for them.

He's also considering getting something for Eddie, but he has no idea what. There's barely been any personal talk between the two of them, seeing as they've never really been alone for long.

As for Iris, she's finally get the present he wanted her to have last year. It's a small golden ring on a necklace that he's gotten in Starling City. It's a replica of her mother's wedding band that Iris had lost on a field trip many years ago and Barry had considered getting it for her for a long time already, remembering how devastated she'd been. If his mum had left him something as precious as this, he would've reacted the same. He hadn't trusted any of the jeweller in Central to keep quiet on it, seeing as they seem to know everyone in the city, and when he's been in Coast City he's had everything on his mind but jewels. Oliver, however, had recommended him one he's affectionately called “The Dodger” for whatever reason and he's done very good work. It's as close to how remembers the ring as possible.

Life is almost normal again, only proven when Felicity calls him in the middle of the month. “Hey, how are you?”, she asks as soon as he's picked up, not even letting him say hello. She doesn't sound like she's in a hurry or anything, though, so he guesses there's nothing wrong in Starling.

“Better. I'm actually quite fine. What about you?”, Barry answers and leans back, expecting a nice chatty conversation.

They quickly catch up on what has happened in the past months. Barry learns that Roy has brought a new friend to their group called Sin, whose quite snarky nature is something difficult for Felicity to handle, but she seems nice nonetheless. Diggle and his ex-wife seem to talk again. Barry tells her about his work on a cure, about how he gets along with Eddie more and more and generally about Cisco and Caitlin. She's highly interested in what it's like to work with Harrison Wells and hopes to meet them all some time.

“I'm sure you'll be able soon. In fact, they're thinking of opening the city again.”, Barry tells her at that.

“Really? That's fantastic!”

“Yeah, but it's just a rumour, I guess.”, he shrugs despite knowing that she obviously can't see it. “It's something Iris overheard at work.”

“Oh, well... Let's hope it's true. Would be a nice Christmas present.”, Felicity sounds like she's smiling.

At that Barry remembers how he'd given something for Oliver to her last year when he left Starling. Oliver has been busy making sure his mum would have a good start in trying herself as a candidate for mayor, so there hasn't been much time between them to say goodbye. “Did you give Oliver my present?”, he asks, wondering if the man actually liked wearing scarves. Or the colour green, for that matter.

“Oh yeah, of course I did.”, Felicity says, sounding serious. “He's worn it the whole winter, we basically had to rip it down from his throat when it got warmer.”

Barry frowns. Sure, the scarf has been a pretty one, but he couldn't imagine that someone like Oliver would be so fond of a piece of fabric. After all, he's a billionaire, he's probably gotten way better presents already. Barry had thought of it to be something out of modesty because he's been so hospitable. “Seriously?”

“Uh... yeah.”, Felicity says slowly. “Listen, Barry, I need to go. Moira's having me check up on every single computer to make sure there's no loophole any of her rivals could use to manipulate her. You know, life of a mayor is not easy.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.”, Barry replies. He hadn't even known Oliver's mother had won the election. “We'll hear each other soon, yeah? Tell the guys hi from me.”

“Sure, bye Barry! It was good talking to you!”

And then the call is over.

Barry shoots a look at his clock, telling him it's almost one. Iris would be here soon to grab something for lunch, so he decides to head downstairs and greet her. And then he'd have to go to STAR Labs and die _again_ of boredom, probably.

She does show up not long after he's settled down in the kitchen and started preparing some sandwiches for her. That the channel goes back to normal again only means more work for the workers because after so much time of only focussing on their own city it's pretty hard to start gathering nationwide (let alone international) information to stream. Everything's all over the place at this point, so Iris does not have much free time during her shift.

“You're truly the best!”, she sighs as she slips down one of the stools, reaching over to grab one finished sandwich.

Barry laughs at her, “Alright, gotta tell Eddie that one, huh?”

Iris shoots him a look at that that makes him change the topic and he starts telling her about what Felicity has told him on the phone. She hasn't met her in person yet, but Barry had told her a lot when he came back from Starling and she seems rather fond of the blonde already. Also, she's rather interested in Oliver Queen, as all women (and some men, Barry must admit) seem to be.

“Did she say anything else?”, Iris asks, shifting uncomfortably in her seat.

Barry raises an eyebrow at her. “Not really. Just that she looks forward to coming here one day. I told her they're thinking of opening the city again.”

“Bartholomew Henry Allen!”, Iris gasps at him. “That was some exclusive information! _I_ shouldn't even know this.”

“I know,” Barry says, thinking there's no need for her to use his full name, “It just kinda slipped out. I'm sorry.”

“You should be.”, Iris answers seriously before her expression warms up. “Plans for tonight?”

Barry shrugs, “Not exactly. Figured I'd watch some Netflix.”

“Hm,” Iris makes, staring at him in a way that just tells him she has different plans for him already.

“Okay, Iris,” he starts, “What are _your_ plans for tonight?”

Finally she starts grinning wildly at him, “Going to the cinema with you! Just the two of us, what do you think?”

At her excitement he can't help but grin as well. It's been quite a while since the two of them went out together, without having anyone else coming along. It reminds him of the good old times where it seemed like it's only them against the rest of the world. Of course it's much better to have more people be on your side, but he kind of misses that feeling. “Is there something good on?”

“Since when do we go to the cinema for _good_ movies?”, Iris asks with a crooked eyebrow.

“Right.”, Barry chuckles. “Alright, I'm in. Of course.”

“Nice!”, Iris applauds. “I'm gonna pick you up at STAR? Then we can go together.”

“I don't actually think I'll be there till tonight, so I guess I'll either get home again or to Cisco and Cait's.”, Barry explains. “I'll text you.”

“Alright, cool.”, she says and gets up from her seat to scoot over and hugs him shortly. Grabbing the last slice of bread, she hurries to the door. “I gotta go! See you later! And be careful!”

He's just about to ask what he should be careful about when he hears the door be closed. Somehow it feels like a weird day.

 

***

 

He's just finished changing his sweater for something fresher (he's gotten some stains on it when he's made the sandwiches for Iris – he's not made for peanut butter) when he hears the door downstairs get locked open. He figures it must be Joe who's maybe having some time to grab something to eat for himself, but much to his surprise it isn't his foster father who calls his name.

“Allen?”, he hears Eddie call and Barry frowns at that. Why'd Eddie come over when Iris isn't here? He must've thought she'd be here still.

“Wait a sec, I'm coming down!”, he yells back, slipping into his shoes while leaving the room. “You've just missed Iris, she left, like, 10 minutes ago?”

Eddie raises an eyebrow at him as he watches him come down the stairs and Barry shoots down a look at his shirt, wondering if he's grabbed another dirty one. There's nothing.

“I'm not here because of Iris,” Eddie says, “Well, I guess I kinda am. She mentioned you'd have to go to STAR and I'm heading there, too, so she thought I could take you with me. Sounds like a deal?”

“Yeah, sure.”, Barry nods. He's kinda glad he doesn't have to go by bike since it's rather cold outside. “Why'd you have to go to STAR, though?”

Eddie grabs Barry's key chain from the cupboard and tosses it at him and laughs when he barely managed to catch it. “Gotta ask Caitlin something about the clinic. Have to do that with all of the workers. Ensure if we can open the city again. Which you don't know anything about, I guess?”

Barry tries his best to look innocent or even surprised, but he knows it's pointless. Of course Eddie'd know Iris has told him. And as it turns out, she didn't hear it at work but probably from Eddie himself.

“Okay, let's get going.”, Eddie suggests and opens the door for him.

They spend most of their drive in silence. It's not uncomfortable, it's something they're both used to. They do get along, but it's not like they're best friends or anything, so it's quite normal. It's also normal that they do small talk, so he isn't surprised when Eddie asks how his day has been.

“Quite boring, actually. Spent most of it in bed. What about yours?”, Barry responds, asking more out of politeness than interest.

Eddie shrugs, eyes fixed on the road. “Nothing big either. Office work, did some boxing. The usual.”

“You box?”, Barry asks. He's figured Eddie must've done some kind of self-defensive sport, and he does look like the boxing type now that Barry thinks about it. He shouldn't be this surprised.

“Oh yeah, since I was in middle school.”, Eddie says and gives him a side-glance. “I can show you some day, if you want.”

Barry raises an eyebrow. He doesn't really think it's necessary that he learns how to punch someone, but on the other hand he's always thought some sport that doesn't involve balls would be fun. But then he remembers something, “Joe used to teach me how to box, but it didn't pay off. I lost every single fight against Iris.”

“Well? Iris is Iris.”, Eddie says in a serious voice. “You'd at least have a chance against me.”

Barry laughs but he knows that Eddie may be right. Iris is really strong and trained, so maybe that's just what's been wrong. So he agrees, it seems like a good idea.

And he's found a present for Eddie now. Surely boxers can use new gloves any time.

 

***

 

The time at STAR is passing slowly, as Barry has imagined. While it's fun to be around people who are interested in the same things as him – not only meaning finding a cure but science in general – it's also stressful just how focussed they can be on that. It's also quite dreadful how all days at the laboratories seem to be the same.

Cisco takes a blood sample of him while Caitlin and Eddie disappear into the next room, talking about what Eddie has told him before. He's even mentioned a few of the questions that he needs to ask, for example if she thinks the sufferers are suitable for everyday-life or if she thinks the serum can lose its effect the longer it gets injected.

“You wanna hang out later?”, Cisco asks while he closes the test tube and labels it.

Barry shrugs. “Yeah, sure. Just going to go to the movies with Iris tonight.”

Cisco nods with a smile and goes to put the blood sample into a cupboard so that Wells could analyse it later. While they're all schooled for that, the man has taken it to be his task to look at and judge the samples. Barry doesn't mind exactly, he wouldn't be too fond to look at his own blood, trying to find out what exactly is wrong. He doesn't even feel that bad about his condition now that he's learnt to live with it, he wouldn't say something is _wrong_ per se.

As if he's been able to read his mind, Wells enters the room, looking up at Barry who is just about to put on his shirt again.

“Oh no, Barry, please stay like this. We have a few more basic tests to run today.”, he says calmly and points his hand at a treadmill in the next room, visible through the open door.

Barry suppresses a groan. On one hand he's wanted to mix things up around here, but on the other he didn't want to have an all-rounder once again.

Still, he follows his orders, lets his sweater lay on the lounger and moves along into the next room where Cisco picks up a measuring tape. While he's measuring Barry's chest's size, Wells asks, “How are you feeling today, Barry?”

It's a normal question for the all-rounder, but something in the way Wells eyes him seems like there's more than the usual curiosity hidden in them. Almost like he's expecting him to feel differently today.

“Normal, I guess,” Barry replies with a shrug.

Wells just nods, doesn't explain why he seems so concerned but tells him to get on the treadmill and start jogging. Barry follows his orders, after all it's part of making sure everything's normal. As normal as it can be, at least.

It takes a while until they're through all the tests, both him and Cisco, albeit Cisco doesn't have an all-rounder but only blood samples. Barry's gotten dressed properly again while Caitlin had taken the blood from Cisco once Eddie had left and then they're ready to go, telling Wells goodbye.

They don't need too long to get to Caitlin's place, it's closer to STAR Labs than Barry's home, so soon enough they're all lounging on the couch in their living room, playing some game they've chosen randomly. It's some kind of quiz and while they all answer correctly when it comes to science, it's still cool that he's the only one to get baseball questions right most of the time. Perks of growing up at Joe West’s.

Barry remembers to send Iris a text, telling her he's with Cisco and Caitlin for now, and is actually surprised when she answers she'll come and pick him up. They're not too far from the inner city, actually, he could just walk to the cinema without making here drive here first, passing the cinema already.

She insists to pick him up, however, and Barry would be dumb to still refuse because he knows how Iris won't give in. And also, it's gotten even colder by now and even if he doesn't feel it, she wouldn't have him walk through that, so eventually he agrees and puts away his phone.

The next question up is about comics and to both his and Cisco's surprise, Caitlin is the only one who answered correctly, which is weird because as far as Barry knows, she doesn't read comics. Her speciality out of science is more on the field of art, obviously.

When she notices them staring, she shrugs. “Ronnie's told me a few things, too.”, she says with a small smile and Barry mirrors it, being glad she's finally at the point where she _mentions_ him instead of sulking for herself. And she's not just mentioning him, she's remembering him, not his death but everything good and has decided to share it with them. Barry knows it's a huge step, when his mother had died, he's tried to lock away all memories of her, too precious to let go of them.

When Iris calls him to say she's waiting downstairs, Caitlin is still winning the game with him being in second place. He hasn't been surprised by that because Cisco was whining the whole time about how difficult his questions have been in comparison to theirs. Which is a stupid statement, because they'd all gotten the same questions at the same time, but Barry decided to laugh about it.

He's telling them goodbye and to have a good night and after hugging Caitlin, who insists on that every time they see each other and part, he leaves to go downstairs, finding Iris to be waiting in her car right in front of the door. She really doesn't want him to do a step too much.

“In retrospective, thanks for picking me up.”, he says with a grin as he climbs in and puts on his seatbelt, “Maybe I would have frozen to death.”

“Ha- _ha_.”, Iris says ironically, “Sounds like someone has spent too much time with Cisco today,” she adds with a small smile.

Barry shrugs. He's feeling really good today, and isn't making jokes of your condition a part of accepting it? Of course, he knows people have been hurt by him being dead, but he's back and it's not like nobody says things like being bored to death or something anymore.

“So you did have fun, yeah?”, she asks while starting the car and Barry starts to tell her about his day, receiving a detailed explanation of her own in exchange.

She's telling him how they consider taking her into the team for general city news for real now that there aren't that many things to screen about the Rising any more, and while she sounds excited while telling him, it's been her dream for so long to become a proper journalist, he can see fear glowing in her eyes even when she's looking on the street.

“This is great news!”, he tells her. “I'm sure you'll do a great job. If they like you now, they'll love you in just a couple of days when you show your full potential.”

“Thank you,” she answers with a big smile. “So... Did we agree on a movie already?”

Barry shakes his head. “I don't even have any idea what's on at the moment. I hope something funny.”

Iris tells him of all the movies that come up to her mind right now and they decide for the one that sounds the most ridiculous.

 

***

 

They're still laughing when they leave the cinema and, frankly, what they're laughing about may haven't been meant as a joke, but it was just so random that they broke out into loud laughter in the cinema already, and every time one of them mentions it, there's just no end. Barry can't even tell if it's been a good movie because right now, he isn't up to any judgements with his ears ringing from his own and Iris' laughter.

They are calming down on their way to the car, breathing in the cold air and clearing their heads. The first few minutes of the drive are spent in a comfortable silence that has both of them breathing heavily.

When they've calmed down enough, Iris asks him, “Did you enjoy yourself today?”

He knows it’s a sincere question, but the way she's saying it sounds like there's more behind it, he remembers how everyone kept asking him how he's been feeling today, he remembers the short phone call he's had with Felicity today. Somehow he doesn't think it's a coincidence all of that happened today. “Iris, can I ask you something?”, he says instead of an answer.

She raises her eyebrow, waiting for him to continue.

“Why is everyone acting so strangely today? Everyone kept asking me how I'm feeling and Wells insisted on an all-rounder check-up, though I only had one a few weeks ago.”, he says and maybe he's already knowing the answer, deep down in his mind but it won't come out.

“You don't know what today is?”, she asks, seriously surprised and a little shocked. When he shakes his head, she continues slowly, “You... um, today's your... anniversary. Of your, um, death, I mean.”

Barry closes his eyes shortly. Of course. That makes sense, he's been in Starling somewhere near the middle of December and died right the day he came back. Which has been a year ago on this day. He can't believe he forgot his own death day.

Did they all think something could happen again today? If sufferers were more likely to die again on their death anniversary, they would've known already. He's sure there must be people out there who've died in October or November, too. Or, he wonders with a sick feeling in his stomach, did they think he'd remember and try to do it himself?

“We weren't sure how you'd take it.”, Iris admits, “And we were concerned that it could do something to your body...”, she says, supporting his thoughts.

“I literally _forgot_.”, he says quietly and suddenly he feels like laughing because it's just so absurd. Of course he would have forgotten his death's anniversary, he shouldn't be around to experience it, why should he be thinking about it?

“Are you mad?”, Iris asks carefully, giving him a side-look.

He actually considers it for a moment. He's felt quite irritated by their behaviour towards him, especially since he had no idea why the hell they acted like that, but he gives her a smile. “No, I'm not.”, he tells her. “I'm thankful.”

He means it, that they've been worried about him only shows how much they love him, he doesn't even mind they'd thought he could've killed _himself_ , that they thought he'd do such drastic things, because he can understand what they must've been thinking, he would've thought the same, probably.

She nods. “You're welcome.”

“Nice idea to include Felicity, too.”, he says after a moment.

“What?”, she asks, “I didn't even think about her, damn!”

“Oh? Well, she called-- I thought you--”

Iris shakes her head with a smile, “The only person I had to tell was Eddie. I mean, he knew about today, but he hadn't figured why I wanted him to keep an eye on you... Anyway, everyone remembered by themselves, Bar.”

At that Barry doesn't even manage to nod, instead he looks out of the window. He's had a few people he hung out with at High School and college, some co-workers at work had been pretty nice to him, but he couldn't imagine any of them figuring out for themselves he might need some support today, not when they didn't even manage to show up after his resurrection. He's really found some great friends lately, he thinks as a smile crawls onto his face. Things have changed after his death, but he wouldn't necessarily say it's gotten worse. More of the opposite, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes. The time right before Christmas is stressful for everyone, isn't it?


	10. Chapter 10

Noticing that his phone goes off, he excuses himself from the circle they've made in the living room. It's Christmas Day and Eddie's arrived here quite early for lunch when Barry had been at STAR Labs to give Wells his Christmas present and then he'd met up with Cisco and Caitlin to go back to Joe's house where they were invited for a family gathering. Since Cisco's family had left after his death and Caitlin's originally from Pittsburgh, they would've spent their day only with the two of them at Caitlin's flat and he'd easily decided to ask Joe if it was okay for them to come over. Of course he had agreed.

They had just exchanged their presents – he and Iris had done it early in the morning already like all the previous Christmas mornings they've had together. He's laughed when he opened the present he's gotten from Eddie to see he's given him the same pair of boxing gloves he'd given him – not in cobalt blue but in a flashing shade of red. He's gotten some chemical equipment from Caitlin and a few comic books from Cisco that had been missing in his collection. Joe had given him new clothes and a whole new bike, which is cool in itself but he isn't sure if he's ready to say goodbye to his old one, despite it being in a miserable condition. It's just been his companion for so long.

They all watch him as he walks over to the kitchen but he can hear them start to chat again once he's closed the door behind him, talking about the presents they've received.

“Barry Allen?”, he answers the phone, feeling quite uneasy because the caller is unknown. How did anyone get access to his number? He only ever gives out his number when he gets another in return, so everyone who's got it must be saved to his phone.

When he hears the answer he almost drops his phone, “Hey there, Slugger.”

“Dad?”, he breathes, unable to grasp a clear thought. It's been a while since he's heard his father's voice, before his accident, before his trip to Starling... It's been over a year, he realizes and suddenly feels the urge to fight back tears. He leans against the counter.

“Merry Christmas, Barry.”, his dad says with a voice that sounds like it's about to break.

“How-- I mean, you too! Obviously... But... How can you call?” He doesn't know how differently Starling treats its prisoners, but in Iron Heights none of them were allowed to use a phone outside of the visitor's room. Too dangerous.

Henry chuckles on the other end. “Well, let's say it comes in handy when your son is friends with the mayor's son.”

As much as Barry loves his father, he just _hates_ talking to him. He feels guilty that he's out here, in the world, while his father is behind prison bars for something he didn't do. He wishes his dad could be here and celebrate Christmas with him for real, under normal circumstances he'd be able to go and visit him at least, but now he's in another city and Barry is not allowed to go there. Of course he's glad to hear from him, but it just isn't the same.

Being the dad that he is after all, Henry asks him about how he's been since he's back and Barry does his best to describe it with all the details. To make it seem like his dad had been around. He even talks to him about Rathaway. Henry can't say much about that other than the obligatory “I'm sorry”-speech since he has no idea how it's like to be in this _new_ world, but Barry appreciates it anyway because he knows his dad means it at least.

However, their conversation comes to a quick stop when Henry says that he's only allowed to have the phone for an hour. Which is almost over by now.

“It was _so_ good to talk to you.”, Barry says as he feels his eyes tearing up again. He really has needed this, he's craved the contact to his father the whole time but did his best to suppress it, it wouldn't have worked out anyway, and now he's finally been able to talk to him. He just wishes it would be easier. “I'm sure we'll see each other soon.”

“I sure hope so.”, his dad sniffs and then Barry can hear a door be opened. “Look, slugger, I really gotta hang up now.”

“Okay.”, Barry says. “Goodbye, dad. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”, his dad answers and then he's hung up.

Barry stays in the kitchen for a few moments longer, phone still in his hand, the other holding onto the counter. He needs a few minutes to gather himself, to breathe through. The talk with his dad has been nice, sure, but it also showed him again just how much he _misses_ him. Of course, Joe is doing a good job caring for him, but still it's different. He presses his palms against his eye bags to stop the tears he feels coming up again, he doesn't _feel_ the pressure but it will probably still have the same effect.

 

 

When he feels calm enough again, a smile reaches his face. He _is_ kind of happy, after all.

He's still smiling when he re-enters the living room. Although an hour has passed, all of them are still there, almost in the same positions as before. Their eyes gaze up to him in question.

“My dad.”, he replies.

At that Iris smiles at him brightly and Joe nods with a pleased look on his face. Caitlin, Cisco and even Eddie look happy for him, too. It does feel like a room full of family here, he notices as he climbs back onto the couch to sit between Cisco and Iris.

They spent some time with talking, trying out their presents (the CD he's gotten for Caitlin is playing in the background, he notices after a few minutes) and lots of laughing. Cisco has claimed the microscope Barry's gotten from Iris as his own for the evening and uses it to look at everything that he can reach. Joe won't put down the beanie he's gotten, no matter how often Iris says it's ridiculous to wear it inside. Caitlin has wrapped Eddie into a conversation about different ways to paint, asking him on his opinion on everything like he's some sort of expert. Maybe he's been before the Rising, Barry wouldn't know. He jumps from one conversation to the other, not because he feels like he has to, but because at different points they all interest him, just like it should be.

After a while Iris shoots a look at the clock and says, “We should start making dinner, dad.”

“Yeah, right.”, Joe answers and gets up from his seat.

Barry is about to stand up, too, it's kind of a tradition for them to make Christmas dinner together, so he doesn't want to miss out on it, but Eddie reaches other and grabs his arm. Startled at this, Barry freezes in mid-air and shoots him a look.

“I, uh, I gotta talk to you.”, Eddie replies. He doesn't add why it's so urgent out of sudden.

Barry raises an eyebrow but shrugs in the end. Something in Eddie's eyes tells him it's probably something more private so he gestures for him to come after him before he heads up the stairs.

When they've both entered his room, Barry closes the door and shoots him a questioning look.

“Sorry to pull you out just like this, Allen...”, Eddie starts, “But I figured if I don't ask now I won't do it at all.”

“What are you talking about?”, Barry asks, feeling alarmed. If he phrases it like that, it can't be good for sure.

“Okay, um, so you know how Joe is gonna go back to normal police work again now that everything is going back to normal? There can't be a lot of sufferers on the run left, according to the clinic, like, 98% of them have been treated, but still, there _could_ be some or maybe some forget to take their meds--”, he stops and when their eyes meet, Barry is sure they're both thinking of Rathaway. “So I'm still in charge for those. I mean, that's what I came here for anyway, essentially, so...”

Barry raises an eyebrow at him. This is probably the most that Eddie has ever talked to him in one breath. What is he trying to get at? Does he want Barry to go back to the clinic so it's safer for everyone because, hey, he could forget to take his serum?

“So, what I wanted to ask is if you'd like to accompany me. Like, be my partner.”

That's definitely not what he has expected.

“What?”, he breathes.

Eddie scratches the back of his head, looking quite uneasy at that reaction. “I can teach you how to use a gun so it won't be too dangerous, nothing is gonna happe--”

“I know how to handle a gun.”, Barry says quickly. “No, what I meant was-- How did you come up with that? Me?”

“Um, I guess-”, Eddie blinks at him. “When you did this... thing with Rathaway, that was really impressive and _effective_. And important. We could've dealt with him without even hurting him, only because you _talked_ to him! If Snart hadn't been there... Anyway, that's kinda the goal here, right? I don't want to hurt anyone, whether they be sufferers or not. And if you came with me that would be possible.”

“I don't know if--”

“Look, you don't have decide now. But I figured this might _be_ something for you. Joe's told me how your mum's death affected you, I thought what happened with Rathaway could've been similar. Of course, you can say no. I wouldn't mind. But please... think about it?”, and then he adds, “Better sit in a car with you than with Mick Rory.”

Mentioning his mum. That's what gets Barry. He's thought he wouldn't be up for it, but Eddie's right. A part of him does want to help, always does, and if he can help other sufferers like that, why should he say no? He did see the effect of talking to Rathaway, he doesn't think someone who hasn't seen it would be up to try. He hadn't thought _talking_ would calm down a rabid sufferer until he suddenly did it. Seeing someone get killed in front of you does something to your mind. You find yourself – well, not necessarily wanting to avenge them, but wanting to make sure that doesn't happen to anyone one else, and if it does, that's something you want to get justice for.

“You know what?”, Barry says, looking at Eddie. “Sign me up.”

“What? You're gonna do it?”, Eddie asks, eyes wide open in surprise.

Barry shrugs and gives him a small grin. “Don't have much to do anyway, have I?”

“God, thank you!”, Eddie laughs and throws his _arms_ around him. “You're a good guy, Barry, you really are.”

For a moment, Barry freezes at the sudden touch before he chuckles, too, and pats Eddie's arm. “Okay, alright, I think the Christmas Spirits got to you.”, he softly loosens Eddie's grip. “Speaking of which, we should head down again.”

“Right.”, Eddie says but doesn't stop smiling.

***

 

Barry puts down the book he's gotten from Wells when there's a knock on the door. Their visitors have left some time ago already after dinner and some more time spent talking, and then he'd said goodnight to Joe and Iris because it really has been an exhausting day and he needs to have some time for himself.

He's not surprised it's Iris who enters his room once he's said to come in and he doesn't mind her, actually, she's part of his calming down process anyway.

“Hey, can I annoy you?”, she smiles while coming in, doesn't even wait for his response but sits down on the edge of his bed already.

“'Course.”, he still says and pulls his legs closer while sitting up some more. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” she answers and her hand reaches up to the necklace he's given her earlier. “Thank you again, Bar, it's really--”

“No big deal.”, Barry says. “I know how bad you've felt.”

“Still.”, Iris chuckles. “ _Now_ I feel bad because I only got you this microscope.”

“It's awesome! I needed a new one anyways and this one is _really_ good! So _thank you_.”

He means it, really, before his death the only microscopes he's used were those at work which had been fine because he's spent most of his days there anyway. Now that he can't go there any more he's kind of missed looking through one of them, actually. After all, he's still a nerd at heart.

“Ah, I'm glad.”, Iris says with a smile. She looks around for a few moments until her eyes fall onto the boxing gloves he's gotten from Eddie. With a more serious expression, she asks, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”, but he can't help but frown. She and Eddie don't have any problems, do they? From what he'd seen, they look quite like a happy couple, perfectly normal that they have a few differences but Barry's certain they're good for each other, Iris seems truly happy.

“Eddie's asked me to move in with him.”

Barry's about to let out a sigh of relief but then he notices that Iris is not smiling about it but that she looks rather concerned. “What did you say?”

She takes a deep breath and Barry wonders if she isn't that happy with her relationship after all, if he just hasn't noticed. “I said I need some time to think about it.”

“Iris--”, he says carefully. “Is everything--?”

“I'm just-- you just came back and I don't want to miss even more of you-- and I _can't_ possibly move into _his_ flat-- I mean! That's _your_ old flat--!”

Barry can't help but laugh. He doesn't have to worry if he failed at his whole friendship with Iris. It's so typically for her to worry about him rather than herself. “Iris.”

But she continues, “And-- dad, what do you think he'd say? I have never said anything of moving out-- You know how he reacted when you left?”

“Iris, listen. Please?”, he says and touches her shoulder softly.

Finally she closes her mouth and looks at him.

“You don't have to worry about me, alright? It's not like we won't see each other anymore. I know that Eddie plans to stay in Central for at least a little longer, so you won't be out of the world.”, he tells her. “And Joe won't mind either. He needs to get used to you being an adult and everything, Iris.”

“Still, I--”

“If you tell Eddie you wouldn't feel comfortable in this flat, I'm sure he wouldn't mind looking into others. He really likes you, after all.”

“Are you sure?”

Barry nods. “Of course. But most importantly: do you _want_ to move in with _him_?”

“I think I do.”, Iris replies quietly but in a serious voice. “I have the feeling we barely see each other because we just have so much work to do, and when we meet we're never alone.”

“Then I'd say, go with it, huh?”, Barry answers. He means everything he's said, he isn't even jealous that maybe he wouldn't see her that much anymore. Eddie is a good guy and if she really _wants_ to live with him, Barry won't mind. He just wants her to be happy. “If you really feel like it.”

Iris nods. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” he says.

“You wouldn't mind me staying a bit longer, would you?”, she asks with a smile. It reminds him of when they were younger, they never went to bed on time on Christmas day, too eager to try out the presents they had gotten together until they fell asleep right where they've been.

He returns her grin and instead of answering, he moves a bit on his bed, making enough space for her to sit next to him. He picks up his book again when she does and then they stay like this. He's actually the first to fall asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **MAJOR Depression, Suicide, Rape and Homicide tw for this!**  
>  I'm sorry.

Being on duty together isn't like either of them has imagined it at all. They don't encounter any Rabids at all, most sufferers have been caught before and try their best to keep taking their meds, afraid of what becomes of them when they don't, they remember things they've seen on TV and don't ever want to end up like that.

Barry and Eddie don't spend their whole day driving around like the old team used to but go on patrol three times a day. Eddie's always available on call for the police in case of emergency.

The search for a cure hasn't brought much yet, they're still hunting for _any_ effect and Barry starts to wonder if it's even possible to cure them permanently. He also wonders if they really need it after all, because more and more citizens started to accept the sufferers as people, too, and as long as they take their meds, everything is alright.

Iris is keeping track of empty flats now that could become her home soon. Of course, Eddie had understood why she wouldn't want to move into his current flat so they are looking for a new one they both like. Even Joe has accepted that she'll move out after a few days of sulking. He's still her dad, after all, and Barry guesses it's always hard to see your child go -- even if they're not too far away.

He hasn't been to Eddie's flat at all. It's not like there hadn't been opportunities – they're friends and co-workers and they actually even started boxing together now – but he's figured he doesn't need yet another reminder of how his life has been and how it could have been. He's started to accept his fate, he is a sufferer and though they may be able to develop a cure, he's quite content with it for the time being. He's even stopped wearing any make-up at all, if it's his job to show sufferers he's just the same as them, why should he try to hide it? It's not like he can change anything about it. At least not yet. He even considers stopping to wear his lenses for real now, but he still isn't sure if people could handle it. He thinks of trying it at home, where Iris and Joe would probably understand.

He's got a job, friends, something to work for. It's basically as good as it can be.

They're actually on one of their tours right now, Barry's sitting in the car waiting for Eddie to come back from getting something for a late lunch. Eddie's kept asking him if he wouldn't get sick of the smell, too, but Barry's reminded him of all the times he's sat at the dinner table, feeling alright. Eddie's nodded and gone then.

“We gotta check up on somebody.”, Eddie says when he climbs back into the car, taking a bite of his burger. “She should have been at the clinic this morning for a check-up and to get new meds but she never showed up.”

Barry frowns, “I never had to get back to the clinic.”

Eddie smiles at him. “Yeah, because you see Caitlin on almost a daily basis.”

Barry nods, of course, she brings him new meds once a month and with all the tests they run at STAR Labs, you could think he's never done anything else but have check-ups.

When Eddie finishes eating, they start driving into a small neighbourhood in the East of the city. The buildings aren't too nice here, they're all rather small and some look like nobody has lived in them for years, but from what he's heard it's not as bad Starling's poorest neighbourhood. He's not surprised when Eddie stops in front of a small house that should actually be labelled as 'hut' – like almost every house they look at to find the right number – it's just normal for this place.

“Okay. You ready?”, Eddie asks him and looks him up and down.

“Sure am.”, Barry replies, knowing why Eddie asked him that. This could be the first time in almost half a year that he could face a Rabid and although it's only Eddie who's here with him, it also freaks him out because it's _only_ Eddie who is here with him. If anything goes wrong, they're cut three people in comparison to the last time.

Eddie rings the door bell and when even after a few minutes of waiting, ringing again and knocking nothing happens, he lets out a deep sigh. They exchange a look and Barry knows to step back, make room for Eddie to throw himself against the door to open it. He's not sure if he should be surprised it opens really easily since everything around here looks like it's gonna break down any second.

“We're staying together, alright?”, Eddie tells him.

Barry nods. He would've known better than to run right into an untreated sufferer without any protection whatsoever again anyway, Eddie didn't have to mention it but he appreciates it.

They carefully walk through the house, Eddie's hand around his gun ready to shoot in case of something happening. There's nobody in the ground floor, just a kitchen that doesn't seem to have been used in a long time and a tidy living room. When they go upstairs the first room they check turns out to be a bed room, the bed's sheet looking like someone has just gotten out of it but nothing else in sight. There's a door at the end of the room and Barry nods at it so they go and check that next.

As soon as they open the door, a part of him wished they hadn't.

What he sees is red – red hair, dark red clothes, blackish-red skin. Only one of those seems to be like that by nature, the rest is coloured by _blood_. There's a woman lying in the bathtub, fully dressed and only a bit of water inside of it, her eyes closed like she's sleeping. A look at her arms tells him she isn't. They're cut open along the veins, rest of the arms covered in blood, the clothes that must've been white before coloured by it as well.

”Oh, shit.”

“She's dead.”, Barry breathes, not able to make himself look away.

“I noticed.”, Eddie says bluntly and Barry can hear it's actually caused by shock and not by disinterest. He catches himself quite quickly though, clears his throat and says, “We gotta check if that's really Bette Sans Souci.”

Barry feels quite uneasy when Eddie pulls out his phone to take a picture of her face, he feels like they shouldn't do it, it's disturbing her peace, peace she finally seems to have found – this is _suicide_ \- but they have to do it, it's their job to deal with sufferers of _any_ kind.

“I'm gonna tell Joe to look if she's in the computers. Maybe he can tell us how she died. The first time around.”, Eddie continues, sounding professional.

How can he be this calm? Barry notices that he himself has started trembling, remembering how he used to feel when he was younger – when he's started to hurt himself, when Iris has noticed one day and they've convinced him to go see a therapist. Would he have gone this far? Would he have killed himself one day? He can't possibly imagine it. He barely remembers why he hurt himself at all, sometimes he thinks it didn't have a clear reason, maybe it's been because he couldn't save either of his parents, but he can't imagine he'd ever have done too much. How bad must a person feel who kills themself, how lonely? She seems to have lived on her own, they haven't seen any evidence of someone else being here. Would anybody have noticed she was gone if she hadn't missed her appointment? How long has she been here? He has no idea they could determine it for sufferers, nothing seems to work normally for them.

“Are you okay?”, Eddie asks when he finished thumbing on his phone, reaching out for his arm with one hand.

Barry shakes his head. He doesn't feel well, his mind is racing, his eyes are still focussing on the body all the time.

“Me neither.”, Eddie says quietly and Barry is sure he's never seen him as vulnerable as this, he's _sounded_ professional, yes, but a look into his eyes tells him he's as shocked as he is. At this point he notices once again how little he knows about the life Eddie used to lead. “Let's wait outside.”

They go downstairs in silence, only their footsteps echoing through the empty house. Barry's holding on to the handrail the whole time, fearing his legs could give in, he needs some fresh air, clear his head, get rid of his thoughts.

He sits down on the doorstep immediately once they're outside, face buried in his hands. He hasn't even noticed how fast his breathing has gotten, he feels like he is hyperventilating, he needs to calm down. This is nowhere near how he should act, this is unprofessional. Why is he looking at his past? He's felt a lot better, not just now but even in his old life, he's learnt to live with his depression, to pull through. He would've never gone this far, would he?

Eddie is by his side, actually rubbing over his back with one hand. Barry doesn't know if Iris has told him, but the way he tells him it's all gonna be fine makes him almost believe it.

He can't tell how long they sit there until Eddie's phone rings and he finally moves to get the call.

“Yeah? No, we're still here.”, he hears him say. “A team? Yeah, that would be great. …  Yeah, STAR Labs, of course. ... What? … Oh god, that's awful.”, shock is audible in his voice, whatever news he's just gotten aren't good ones. “Yeah, he's here. … Barry? Joe wants to talk to you.”

Barry nods, accepting the phone. He has a feeling what Joe's about to tell him already. “Hi, Joe.”

“Hey, Bar. You okay?”

“Been better.”

“You don't have to stay there.”

“How did she die?”, he answers instead. How much of a coward would he be if he would go home now? _Could_ he go home now? The images wouldn't be gone, neither the thoughts. There's no point.

“Are you sure--?”

“Yes.”

Joe stays silent for a while, probably thinking of how to rephrase it. From what Barry's gathered by Eddie's response, it hasn't been an accident. “She... was raped and then killed by a group of men.”, Joe says finally when he figured there's no nice way to describe it.

“That's...”, Barry starts but he can't find a word, shock filling his mind. How awful must it be to be killed like this and then come back, remembering your death in detail? How often has she played it over and over until the final solution was killing herself again, to free herself from those memories?

“'Disgusting' doesn't even start to cover it.”, Joe agrees. “Listen, we sent out a team to bring her to STAR Labs. Once they've left, you go home. Both of you. I don't want you at the Lab in some time, alright?”

For a split second Barry thinks about saying no, after all he helps at STAR, he's just as responsible as anyone else, but he figures Joe is right, if he's feeling like _this_ now, taking samples of Bette's blood wouldn't be in his favours. It's one thing to discover a body, to live with it is another. “Okay.”, he says. “See you later.”

“Be careful.”, Joe tells him.

He hangs up and while giving Eddie his phone, he tells him what Joe has said about getting home. Eddie accepts immediately.

They wait in silence for the team to arrive, neither of them particularly feeling the need to chat. It doesn't take too long for them to arrive and once they are here, Eddie quickly tells them all the details he knows and sends them off to bring the body to STAR Labs once they're finished with analysing the surroundings. Barry remembers how this has been part of his work, his old work from his old life, and how he wouldn't have felt as miserable about it as now. Having been dead himself has put him into a whole new perspective, as it seems.

Eddie nods at him when the men went upstairs, “You ready?”

“More than that.”, Barry replies quickly and they go for the car.

The ride home is quiet, too, they don't even turn on the radio like they usually do, but Barry doesn't mind, right now he's not feeling like talking, not like listening either, he's completely speechless by what they'd just had encountered. It's kind of stupid, but a part of him had thought Rathaway would have been the last sufferer he'd seen newly dead. Life never plays the way you think.

He's not surprised when Eddie doesn't just let him get out of the car when they arrive at his home, but tags along. He's not surprised either to find Iris at home, it's pretty late all of sudden, who demands to know what happened when she sees their expressionless faces.

Neither of them replies immediately, instead they walk into the living room and sit down on each side of the couch as if they'd never done anything but this, and Iris sits down between them, eyeing him for a while first before her eyes move over to Eddie. Suddenly she lifts both her arms, pulls both of them into a hug.

“Whatever has happened, you two look like you could need some love.”, she says seriously. “You want to talk about it?”

Being at her side, Barry already feels a lot better, more comfortable and he basically sees all of his thoughts about how much a person could want to die disappear from his mind, and he says, “We found a sufferer who's killed herself.”

“It's been kind of a shock.”, Eddie adds, “I'll be okay soon.”

Barry nods in agreement. A distraction would be good right now, maybe a shower and some sleep and then he'll be able to deal with it differently.

“Anything I can do?”, Iris asks.

“I just need to relax.”, Barry admits and almost laughs when Eddie suggests watching a children's movie to calm down. Of course they both agree, it will probably help, not just Eddie but him, too, and Barry knows Iris would do just anything to see the people around her be okay.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Fear of Needles** and **Homicide TW** for this one.

Barry only sees Bette again once, at the day that some people from the police come to pick her up again to put her into a proper grave. He's learnt that before the situation normalized again, all the dead sufferers have been kept at Iron Heights too, which has shocked him greatly. He's basically been living on top of a crematory for while without knowing.

Of course, he understands why they've done it. They'd probably figured if they kept all sufferers in one place, dead or alive, they had a better chance at fighting them. While living sufferers weren't contagious, the dead sure could’ve been. They haven't known _anything_ about sufferers.

He's felt better after a night's sleep the evening of finding Bette, and when he saw Eddie the next morning, he looked much better, too. They had even gone on another tour again, even though Joe protested. They've talked him out of that by saying _someone_ needs to do it and after all, they're the ones who signed up for that job. He let it rest after that.

Nothing has happened since then, all the sufferers they _have_ encountered, had looked pretty normal, taken their serum, and while the human people still looked at them with distrust, there was nothing for them to step into.

Work at the laboratories doesn't bring much either, they still haven't found anything useful, so mostly they spend their time there with joking around. Wells usually disappears into the back of the labs once they've finished their tests. Barry doesn't know if he has more work to do back there, or if he just doesn't want to listen to whatever nonsense Cisco is bringing up that day.

Some weeks pass like that, his life is shifting between working with Eddie, experimenting at STAR and spending time with his family. It feels pretty normal, almost like his life has never been differently.

 

*******

 

Barry sits up in alarm when his phone rings his out of his sleep. He doesn't even look at the clock before picking up, it must still be very early if he's still sleeping, and anyone who calls that early must have an emergency.

“Hello?”

“Barry,” he hears Dr Wells say calmly and the alerted feeling leaves his mind immediately. He's never really seen Wells in an alarmed state but he's sure if something happened, he wouldn't sound like this. “We've been successful.”

“What?”, Barry replies, almost standing up in surprise. He can't imagine they finally made it, finally they've found a cure after months of nothing. He's actually halfway given up already. “Really?”

“I wouldn't joke about this, Mr Allen.”, Wells says, sounding actually amused while scolding him. “I would suggest you come here as fast as possible.”

“On my way.”, Barry says and hangs up, walking over to his cupboard and grabbing just _any_ clothes. For some reason, he feels like he has to hurry up, really be there as fast as possible before it all turns out to be a dream, before the opportunity is gone and all the work they've done still is for nothing.

Iris and Joe are still sleeping, but he guesses they'll hear about this soon enough so he decides against waking them up and writes a note instead, saying that he's at STAR. Then he basically runs outside, to his bike and starts pedalling.

When he arrives at the laboratories half an hour later, Caitlin's car is nowhere in sight. Wells has probably only called them after him or they just need a little longer, after all they're two people sharing one bathroom. They'll probably show up soon, he can't imagine that they aren't as curious as him.

He puts his bike down on the grass and scoots to the intercom, ringing the bell before he's even stopped properly. Wells opens after a few second already, he must've waited in the main room by the console. He finds him there still when he goes inside, waiting for him patiently. He smiles when he sees Barry.

“Hello, Dr Wells,” he remembers to say before he blurts out, “What did you find?”

Wells' smile grows wider which is a pretty weird sight. Barry has never seen him like this, so happy and, well, _excited_. Whatever he's found – it must be big. “I've tested a combination of chemicals we didn't even consider before.”, Wells tells him. “It had... quite an effect on all of the blood samples we've had in storage. That includes Yours, Stein's, Cisco's and even Hartley's. Now they look as human as can be.”

“Really? Which chemicals?”, Barry can hardly think of any chemical that they could have forgotten. At least none that isn't dangerous. Maybe that's what's been wrong the whole time. His body is barely human, so why should it react like a human would?

“It's a _combination_ , Barry. I don't know them by heart, but I've written them down.”, the way Wells says it makes Barry feel guilty. Of course he has, Barry shouldn't even have asked because it's just a unprofessional thing to do, he should rather be looking at the notes Wells took.

“Of course, sorry.”

“In fact, I have a sample of it here.”, Wells says, taking something out of his jacket's pocket.

Barry's eyes dart to the syringe he's holding up, filled with some clear substance. From what he's seen from his current position, it could just be water, but no, it's so much more, it's a key for so many people, opening the doors to a better life. A life without the fear of losing their mind just because they weren't careful enough.

“That's cool! When Cisco and Caitlin are here we can produce more and go over to the clinic!”, Barry says excited. “So many people we can help!”

“I didn't call them yet.”, Wells says putting the syringe from one hand into the other.

“What? Why?”

Wells rolls closer to him until his wheelchair's rolls are almost touching Barry's shoes. “I figured since you've been on this journey from the very start, you should be the first to take the cure.”, Wells says, looking up on him with a serious expression in his face.

Barry's first instinct is to back away, Wells is so close, the _cure_ is so close to him and _honestly_ , he has no idea if he really _needs_ to be cured, his life is quite okay, there are people who have worse problems with their condition. Sure, he's been working for this for a long time, but never for himself, he was always interested in helping others, never himself.

“I don't need it.”, Barry says quickly, taking a step back but Wells comes after him.

“Barry, are you serious? Think about it, how good this could be.”, Wells says calmly. “Your life could be back to normal, you could enjoy dinners with your family--”

“Dr Wells, I really don't need it. Yet. We should make more first.”, Barry says, feeling fear creep up his neck. He really doesn't like how Wells waves around with the syringe this easily, not when it's _the cure_ they've searched for for so long, what if he drops it? “And no offense, but I think you should put it away, somewhere safe.”

“Mr Allen, it really is my priority that you are the first to be cured.”, Wells says seriously and Barry knows he can't back out of this, Wells has actually cornered him, there's no way he could escape.

Why does he feel the need to _escape_? This is the man whom he's idolized for so long, he’s always wanted to be like him and now he's actually been working with him, he's gotten along with him – how can he suddenly feel like Dr Wells is such a threat? He can trust him, he just wants the best for him, maybe he should agree. He would love to be normal again, to be able to compliment Iris on her cooking, to eat popcorn again while watching a movie.

He sees how Wells turns the syringe in his hand, ready to use it if Barry agrees. Their eyes meet, Wells is looking like him expectantly, waiting for him to make his choice.

Barry opens his mouth to say that he'll take it. Of course, he will. Everybody gets a shot at it, don't they? So why shouldn't he be the first? He's here already, so close to it, why shouldn't he?

Suddenly the door bursts open, men in uniforms scooting in, each of them holding up a gun. Barry doesn't know what's happening, especially not when it's _Joe_ shouting, “Put down the syringe, Wells! Now!”

Instinct takes over and Barry tries to move away, but there's nothing left for him, he's standing in the corner of the room, each movements means bumping into a wall. When did this happen? How did he get there? His breathing gets faster, panic is reaching over, he can't escape and would Joe be here if there wasn't any danger? He needs to get out of here quickly--

Instead, he sees how Wells lifts his arm, the syringe pointing at him, and he closes his eyes, he can't do anything else. _How can this be happening_?

Nothing hits him, there are loud sounds of something shattering, something scratching at the floor and then suddenly he feels another body pressed to his side, something in front of him.

“Eddie!”, he hears Joe shout and finally he opens his eyes again, and in fact, it _is_ Eddie who's standing next to him, breathing heavily.

Wells is still there, eyes fixed on Eddie's arm that's still lifted in front of both of them, shock written all over his face before anger flickers through. “You idiot!”, he shouts, lounging forward to reach for Eddie's arm, but suddenly he's pulled backwards and can't reach it.

Several men come up to where Wells has been pulled to, only a meter away from them or so, trying their best to handcuff him in his position, he's fighting and scratching and Barry doesn't know if they'll be able to do it without being hurt, he wants to say something, _anything_ , but he has no idea what to say and then Joe comes up in front of his face.

“Are you two alright?”, he asks in an alarmed voice, looking from Barry to Eddie and back.

Barry hadn't even realized Eddie was still covering most of him until he moves away with a sigh and takes a look at his arm. He reaches up with the other hand and _pulls out the syringe_.

“Oh my god,” Barry breathes. “Eddie, are you okay?!”

Eddie's eyes meet Joe's first, then his and he gives him a small smile. “Yeah, I'm alright. Surprisingly.”

Joe gives him an angry look. “How could you do such an _incredibly_ idiotic thing?! Why didn't you stay in place?”

“He was about to _kill_ him!”, Eddie answers, as energetically as Joe.

_Kill him_? _Wells_ wanted to _kill_ him? Why would he do such thing? They got along pretty well, worked together, Barry has had good talks with Wells, they'd given each other _Christmas presents_ , why the hell would Wells want to kill him? Why so suddenly? Why now? What _was_ that in the syringe?

“Why did you come here on your own?”, Joe asks him then, still with an aggressive voice. “Why didn't you _push_ him away?”, he directs his look at Eddie, “ _Either_ of you?”

“He could've still hit him!”, Eddie replies, this time calmer. Barry can see how he closes his eyes shortly.

“Eddie, are you alright?”, he asks, touching his unwounded arm softly.

“Yeah, of course.”, Eddie replies, “Just a bit dizzy.”

“You need to get to a hospital.”, Barry says. Whatever that has been, it's in Eddie now, it could kill _him_ , they need to get it out of him as soon as possible.

He exchanges a look with Joe who nods and grab either of his shoulders, trying to get him out of here as soon as possible before anything happens. Barry can't believe he's taken the syringe for him, not knowing what it was. What if he _died_ because of him? How would Iris react? How would _he_ react?

“I'm fine!”, Eddie protests but Barry can hear how short is breath is, how he's fighting for every breath of oxygen he can get.

“You're the hell not.”, Joe says grumpily.

They get outside and Eddie gets heavier and heavier with each step, he barely takes one himself and a look at him tells Barry he's about to slip into unconsciousness.

“Eddie, hey! Hey, come on, stay with us, alright?”, he says hastily, again with panic in his voice. If Eddie falls asleep, who knows if he'll ever be able to wake up again?

Eddie nods, albeit sleepily, but suddenly, they can feel how he clenches into their shirts. “I can't _see_!”, he exclaims in rushed words, all of his usual cool completely gone now.

Joe shoots him an alarmed look, he has more medical experience than Joe and from everything Barry gathers about Eddie's state either his blood circulation is about to break down or whatever's been in the syringe is increasing his blood sugar in rapid steps.

“Completely? Or is it blurry?”, Barry asks, trying his best to sound calm. “We're at the car, okay? We're gonna get you into it now.”

“I can't see _anything_!”, Eddie exclaims, his panic turning into anger now, he's actually fighting them when they try to lead him into the car.

“Eddie, calm down, it's just us!”, Joe tells him. “We're getting you into a hospital now and then everything will be alright!”

Joe's words don't seem to do the trick, Eddie's still trying to get rid of them, Barry can feel how he's trying to lift his hand up to his eyes, probably to rub them like you do when you can't see properly, but he's sure if they let him do it, he could cause even more damage. Somehow they do manage to get him inside the car and Barry slides onto the back-seat next to him, trying to calm him down.

“Is anything hurting?”, he asks when Eddie grabs his arm with such power that Barry thinks he's about to break it. He doesn't pull away, though.

“Chest.”, Eddie says through gritted teeth and tries again to reach for his eyes.

Barry reaches over to hold both his arms down, he tells him it's important he doesn't do anything. He tries to talk to him, but he doesn't know about what, when Joe starts the car, he tells him they'll be at the hospital soon and then he'll be alright. He thanks him for what he's done, he hasn't been able yet and he still hasn't understood _what_ has happened, but it doesn't even matter right now. What matters is that Eddie saved him and that he maybe even sacrificed _himself_ for it.

“We'll be there soon, okay? Stay calm, Eddie.”, Barry says softly, “You're doing great.”

Eddie makes a sound that tells him that if he could, he'd be laughing. He understands it, there's nothing great about feeling like you're dying, if anyone knows, it's him.

They arrive soon enough, Joe must've broken at least a hundred laws while driving. Just when they stop and Joe climbs out of the car, Barry notices that Eddie isn't awake anymore.

“Eddie! Hey, Eddie! Stay here!”, he calls, shakes him, but he doesn't wake up and Barry doesn't know what he should do. Joe opens the back door and Barry shouts, on full autopilot, “He's unconscious! Get inside and get someone to transport him properly!”

Joe nods, turning on his heels and running to the entrance. Barry looks at Eddie, he can't tell if he's still breathing or not and when he tries to measure his pulse, he can't feel anything and he doesn't know if it's because of Eddie or because his body once again decide it doesn't need to feel anything. He tries again to shake him awake, he knows it won't do anything, but he _has_ to try, he can't let Eddie die for _whatever_ reason.

It probably hasn't taken too long but when Joe returns, it feels like he's been waiting for ages, trying to stay calm and help Eddie where he can without any effect. Two nurses come rushed after Joe, bringing a bier with them to move Eddie and Barry lets out a sigh when he sees them. He's sure Eddie will be fine now, they'll be able to treat whatever he has, he's sure.

Getting him out of the car is not really easy, especially when Barry tells them how Eddie's said his chest hurts, they have to be careful not to hurt him even more, but they manage after some tries of turning him on the back-seat and then he's on the bier and they rush back inside, Joe and Barry basically running after them and saying what his symptoms are and that he's taken a syringe with _whatever_ inside.

And then the nurses take him into a treatment room where Barry and Joe aren't allowed to go in for either hygienic reasons or because they aren't family, so all they can do is sit around and hope that Eddie will not die.

 

Their waiting time is spent with incoming calls.

Caitlin calls him asking what has happened because when she and Cisco have gotten to STAR Labs, they found a lot of police cars in front of it and weren't allowed to go inside. “We tried to reach you already, but you didn't pick up. Were you there? What has happened?”

“I'm not really sure what happened, either, okay? It's a whole big mess and a long story that I need to figure out.”, Barry tells her. “Wells got crazy over the cure and accidentally attacked Eddie. We're in the hospital now, waiting for news.”

“He _attacked Eddie_? Why would he?”

“He...”, Barry gulps. “He actually attacked _me_. Eddie just stepped in.”

“Why would Dr Wells attack _you_?”

“I wish I knew.”, Barry says truthfully.

“We're coming.”, he hears Cisco say into the phone. He didn't even realize he was on speaker.

He can't tell them not to. He knows that Caitlin and Eddie are friends, have been before he stepped into the picture already, and they deserve to know about what the hell has happened as much as he does.

The call is ended quickly and he can overhear the rest of Joe's call with Iris. She seems to sound mad, worried about what has happened, and Joe promises to explain everything he knows once she's here.

“Iris is coming.”, Joe says when he's hung up.

Barry nods. “Cisco and Caitlin, too.”

“He'll make it.”

“I hope.”, Barry says quietly. “I still don't understand _what_ has happened.”

“I don't have all the details either,” Joe replies, “But Eddie saved your life.”

“ _That_ I know.”

 

They still haven't gotten any news about Eddie when all of the others arrive, they must've run into each other outside, Barry guesses.

“How is he?”, Iris asks when she runs up to them, they're still near the entrance so she doesn't have to waste time by asking where they are.

“We don't know.”, Joe says. “Don't even know if they're done with him already.”

Iris nods but Barry can see tears building up in her eyes and he reaches over to her, wrapping his arms around her. He can't stand seeing her like this.

“What happened?”, Cisco asks. “We heard something about Wells being _arrested_?”

“It's a long story.”, Joe says and looking at each of them for a moment.

Barry raises an eyebrow. “Well? I guess we've got time.”

If Barry thought coming back as a zombie put a twist to his life, the next few minutes, maybe hours, are definitely putting him upside down. Once they sat down again, Cisco and Caitlin standing across of them with curious and confused expressions, Joe starts telling about what he and Eddie have found out about Wells.

As it seems, the reason he never let them take a look at the blood samples and their effects on the experiments hasn't been that he was the most experienced or that he felt like it was _his_ assignment, but rather that it's never been his plan to develop a _cure_ in first place. Apparently he _did_ want to get rid of the sufferers, but not by changing them back to humans but by _killing_ them.

“Especially one sufferer.”, Joe says carefully and his eyes meet Barry's.

Barry feels sick and when Cisco concludes, “The one who attacked him?”, he feels like he's going to pass out, too. Did _he_ attack Wells? Is _he_ the reason the man is bound to use a wheelchair? Did he really ruin Wells' life and doesn't even _remember_ it?

The others must realize, too, that it must have been Barry and for a second he imagines how they all back away from him, that they are scared now because he's dangerous, he's almost killed a person, but suddenly Iris grabs his hand and squeezes it softly, like reassuring him everything will be fine.

“But”, Caitlin starts and glances at Barry in confusion, “why would he keep Barry around if he's the one who attacked him?”

“No offense.”, Cisco adds but nods into Joe's direction as if backing up Caitlin's question.

“That's a good question, I'm not sure but I think he wanted to keep an eye on Barry, make sure _he_ is the one who gets his revenge and not another.”, Joe says. “Maybe he'd even have liked the idea that Barry helped producing his own death and that's why he didn't try sooner.”

One half of Barry's mind keeps saying that Wells must have been insane, that no normal person would do this game for half a year. The other half rather says how he should have seen it coming, of course he would've hurt someone, too, they all did in the most likely case. He probably would've deserved it and now, instead of him, it's Eddie who's fighting for his life.

“He didn't do it for himself.”, Joe continues, catching the attention of all of them again. He tells them that they've found out Wells has been married – both of them have kept their names and to most people, it was a secret because as scientists, they both seemed to be married to their work, dedicating every single moment of their life to it. They didn't even live together for whatever reason. “Her name was Tess Morgan. She was killed in the aftermath of the Rising.”

Barry almost can't hear the next things Joe says because his mind is working rapidly again, screaming statements of guilt at him, saying he's a _killer_ , but he still manages to gather most of it. Wells and Tess Morgan have both been found in her flat, Wells severely injured and Tess dead. They must've been attacked by the same sufferer. The police guessed they'd met up to talk about the accelerator and what it's brought to them, and nobody even bothered to check if they're in any relation to each other.

Joe says that it's a serious mistake that should've never happened, normally they have to check for every person's history but it may have been forgotten because it has been Dr Harrison Wells they've found, after all, the person responsible for the whole mess.

“So... Let me get this straight. Wells has been super mad because Barry's probably killed his wife _while being not himself_ so he had nothing better to do than get Barry to work with him so he can try to kill him?”, Cisco says.

“Pretty much.”, Joe says, looking uneasy.

Barry understands, he would understand if they never wanted to talk to him again, he's killed someone, he's almost killed _another_ person and he may be responsible for another death, too. For their friend, who has tried to save him from something he's deserved. He wants to run away, but he can't, he's too scared for what has happened to Eddie, and Iris is still holding onto him, she doesn't seem to be scared or think any less of him, and he doesn't understand why.

“Barry,” Caitlin says and when he looks up from his knees, she sees her standing right in front of him, reaching out for his arm. “None of this is your fault. I mean it. Remember what I used to tell you at the clinic? It's real, okay? None of this is your fault.”

Iris squeezes his hand and nods at him, closing her eyes and leaning against his shoulder. How can they be so calm? Untreated or not, he's hurt people, he could do it any time again.

“Dude, I know what you're thinking, okay?”, Cisco says, “We take our serum, we stay clear in our head, alright? This won't happen again. We've got ways.”

It's true, Cisco probably understand him better than the others, he must really have been thinking the same. Has he hurt anyone as well? Barry doesn't actually want to think about it.

But it's still something he has done. Will he be able to live with it?

“Do we know for sure that it was Barry?”, Iris asks.

“The sufferer'd been gone when the police arrived, but I guess Wells would have recognized him.”, Joe says. “I'm sorry, son. But they're right, okay? You can't blame yourself for any of this.”

Barry wishes he could nod, he wishes he could accept, just throw the guilt off himself, but it stays in place, he can't agree. At least not because of Eddie. He should've noticed something is off about Wells, why he never let them look at their results and the looks he sometimes gave Barry weren't too nice either. When he thinks about it, it's all been so _clear_ and yet he's walked right into his trap.

“How did you even know Barry was in danger?”, Cisco asks, “I mean, today of all days?”

“I left very early and wrote a note.”, Barry says in a monotone voice. He's not sure if he can be glad he did actually think about leaving it, not when it put Eddie in danger.

Joe nods. “Slammed the door so hard I woke up. And when I read the note, I had a bad feeling.”

“I'm glad you did.”, Caitlin says. “To think we've worked for … this _maniac_.”

“Don't blame yourself either, alright? If anyone, it's me. I've looked into Wells' past right from the beginning, around Christmas I knew Morgan was his wife, but I didn't know what he was planning.”, Joe tells them. “If he _was_ planning anything. I didn't want to startle any of you in case of being wrong.”

They all fall silent, leaving to their own thoughts. Barry's still fighting with wanting to run away, he can't believe they're all so calm about what he's done, the monster he can be. What if he forgot his serum one day? He's a danger to everyone.

He's thrown out of his thoughts when Iris suddenly gets up, walking up to the reception. “Hello? Can anyone tell me what the _hell_ is up with my fiancé?”

Joe shoots Barry a look that is probably wondering when _that_ happened and Barry can only shrug, Iris sudden movement has swept all worries of his mind.

They watch as Iris has an exchange with one of the receptionists, talking back and forth and Iris quite looks like she's about to cry, something that Barry understands.

When she comes back, however, she's smiling like she's met Santa Clause himself. “He's better! Still unconscious, but he'll be awake soon.”, she tells them. “He's somewhere upstairs, we can go there.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind **Referenced Attempted Murder and Death TW** for this chapter.

Barry feels uneasy seeing himself on TV. It's different from looking at yourself in the mirror and actually, he only notices how different he looks from everyone else when seeing himself on screen and his friends around him in comparison.

The Barry on TV is paler than a usual person would be even if they'd seen a ghost, his skin is almost blue with the veins trying to shine through it. His eyes are white, the only thing standing out are his pupils that are dark against his rest. His hair looks normal, the same it had looked about two years ago and his whole body shape is basically the same, tall but thin. He's standing up straight, trying to present himself well enough, though his nervousness is shining through.

Real-life Barry is feeling like he should hide, this is probably gonna be so embarrassing, how could they think it was a good idea to have _him_ make a public statement? It would've been Eddie's role more than his or maybe Joe could have done it, or Singh. Iris could've just made a report on it. Or maybe Cisco and Caitlin could have done it, they could've explained the phenomenon around Dr Harrison Wells way better than him, after all they've worked with him for years.

But no, they've asked him, after all he's the one Wells has attacked and after many talks Barry had thought maybe he really should do it. He sees now that it's been a huge mistake.

The recording is from a few days ago, it was live-casted but Barry hadn't really felt like seeing anyone or anything in a few days, the shock has still been too much. He'd spent most of his days in the hospital, by Eddie's side until he was allowed to leave, he's felt like it was his part to stay there because Eddie's been there because of him. Of course, Iris was there, too, she wouldn't leave Eddie's side at a time like this.

Once Eddie's been home, they've convinced Barry to do the statement, and he's gone and delivered a speech without even thinking about it. That _can't_ be good.

He's been hiding in his room afterwards, he didn't want to hear the disappointment about him not doing it properly, he didn't want to see anyone, and actually, they left him alone for a while. Until today, three days later, when Iris stormed into his room, saying it's enough of sulking and forced him to watch the speech with her.

She's sitting next to him now, holding his hand while he's waiting for the fuck-up he must've done.

“Hi.”, the Barry on screen breathes, “Uh, my name is Barry Allen. You may know me because of my dad... Or from the news that must've been spread lately. About Harrison Wells...”

Screen-Barry closes his eyes shortly, taking a deep breath before he continues, “Dr Harrison Wells is currently in police custody for attempted murder.”

There's a whispering breaking out between the people who must be watching him, some of them sound really shocked and Screen-Barry looks to the side for a split moment. Barry remembers that that's where Joe and Eddie had stood who nodded at him encouragingly.

“I've worked with him for some time, trying to search for a cure to treat people like me. To help PDS sufferers to go back to a normal life. But as it turns out, that has never been Dr Wells' plan.”, he says. “Instead, he's thought of a way that would have killed sufferers in a painful way, that would have shut down their body functions very slowly, beginning by the blood circulation to spreading out all over the body. I've been lucky that there were more careful people around me that didn't blindly trust a man whose life was ruined by a sufferer or else I would've been the first person to be killed by a once respected scientist.”

He coughs a bit, clearing his throat and Barry remembers that he's actually fought back his panic, remembering how close he'd been to death once again, remembering the way Wells had looked at him. “Maybe I would've been the _only_ person Wells actually planned to kill. We don't know for sure, he's refusing to say anything at this point. You're probably wondering why I'd think that, and the reason is simple and one that everyone will be able to understand: I have done things right after the Rising, awful things that I don't even remember doing now that I've received treatment.”

A few people have actually backed away then, Barry remembers, they've had fear written into their faces. He understands them, it's exactly what he's felt when Joe has told him what they've gathered from Wells' history, but with a look at a few sufferers that have lined up at the end of the gathering, he's figured he needs to continue, because deep down, he understood that he did not talk for _himself_ but for all of them. And if he's tried to find a cure before, to make their lives better, how could he stop now?

“Many of you guys are looking at me now like I'm a mass murderer. I understand that.”, he goes on. “Maybe I am, as I said, I don't recall any of the things I've done. I may be dangerous, but actually, aren't we all? When you push the wrong buttons, any person can become violent, going blind by anger. That's basically what the explosion of the accelerator has done not only to _my_ body, but to hundreds of others as well. But the thing is: we weren't even ourselves. We were _dead_ and then it's basically been like sleep-walking, I guess, and that's why we don't remember.”

The Barry sitting on the couch doesn't know what to think, he hasn't remembered the actual words he had said, but merely how he has felt while uttering them, he's remembered how he's felt helpless, not knowing what the hell he was doing, that he's felt pressured to continue, not only by the others but also by himself. He hasn't lied, he's said all the things that came to his mind about the whole issue, he's decided to fight for everyone who's been affected during the Rising.

“We couldn't fight against it, it was our state of being at that point. But, a few very brave people have started to fight against us, they've protected the people of this City. But they never forgot one thing: The _zombies_ they've fought? Used to be citizens of Central City, too. So they figured out a way to take them down without _killing_ them, and talented doctors have figured out a way to stimulate our brains, a serum that makes us normal when injected on a daily basis.”, he continues. “I understand there's a risk of forgetting but I for one, I'm _frightened_ of forgetting to take the serum, of going _rabid._ I've seen in person what happens to a sufferer who's forgotten their meds, and I don't wanna experience that. Maybe the sufferer you're facing is as afraid of himself as you are.

“During my time back, I've noticed that barely anything is even known about us. Maybe that's a reason why people are scared, too. They've only ever heard the bad news, they don't even know _why_ we look this strange and everything. I've worked with someone from the Iron Heights clinic and we've found out a lot together. Our hearts are beating, just like yours! It's a lot slower, though, causing the blood circulation to be low in general, which is causing us being so pale. We can't eat normal food or else we'll throw up. I guess our digestion doesn't work properly any more.”

Barry watches himself scratch the back of his neck and right now, he feels something like _pride_. He hasn't had any idea what exactly to say before he was put on stage, but while talking he's found out exactly what was missing. All they've found out at STAR Labs has been in secret, Wells has never shared anything, and he'd wanted them to keep a low profile as well – Barry had figured it's been because he didn't want to raise false hopes but of course he's been proven to be wrong.

“But as long as we take our medicine, our _mind_ is fine, we can think as much as normal people, too. I've worked with a man who was known as something like a _zombie hunter_ ,” Screen-Barry shoots a look at Eddie again, giving him a small smile, “And he's never felt the need to attack _me_. In fact, he's the man who's saved my life. If he hadn't been there when Wells... freaked out, I would have been dead, whatever mixture Wells has made would've slowed down my blood circulation so much I'd have died soon. It would have taken longer for a normal man, but he could've died, too. I think that's kind of a proof that you don't have to fear us. A man who should've been against a sufferer of any kind by logic asks him to work with him and saves his life.”

 He's wondering if he should've mentioned Eddie's name, he's still not sure why he hasn't. The attention could have been too much for him, they'd put him up as a hero, and while Barry kind of views him as one, he's sure he wouldn't necessarily like it too much. And with the words he used, they probably know whom he meant any way.

“I know the city has come far already, there are rarely any people who are openly afraid of us, but I can still see how people give me strange looks, how they change the pathway when I walk on the same side. I just hope that one day, all fear will be gone and people accept sufferers as a given here and that we're almost normal.”

Barry raises an eyebrow at the words he has just said on screen, thinking that they must've sound very unprofessional, like he's making a wish like a small child. He'd felt the need to say them at that point, but in the aftermath he isn't quite sure if that's been a good idea. How shall people take him seriously?

“People are wondering if you want to become the new mayor.”, Iris tells him with a small chuckle and he knows, that's it. He's made a fool of himself. The whole city is laughing at him. “I'm really proud of you, you know that?”, she says to his surprise, squeezing his hand and watching his on-screen self take another deep breath.

Maybe that's what it takes to make a change: just say whatever you're thinking, sometimes you have to sound like a child, because children are always heard. People want to make children happy, and people want to make themselves happy. Maybe he did reach something in them, maybe he can be proud of himself, too.

The Barry on screen is about to finish his speech, Barry remembers it, he knows how uncomfortable he'd felt at that point because he's been running out of words, so he's said the only thing he could think of to sum up everything, and now he's pretty sure it was the right thing to say, not just for him, not for all the people he's talked to, but mostly for those few in the last rows, his fellow sufferers.

“I am a Partially Deceased Syndrome Sufferer,” he says with a small smile, “And what I've done in my untreated state is not my fault.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was the entirety of this fic. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of logical mistakes, but hey! That was, like, the second multichapter thing I have ever finished and it's certainly better than the first one. 
> 
> It is time to say thank you to a lot of people.
> 
> Again, my friend Felix who helped me with a lot of biochemical stuff (though he still hasn't read a single word of this story), but without him this would've been even worse. So yay, Felix!
> 
> Also thank to my mother, who had me watch shows about murder and autopsies and shit since the age of 1.
> 
> Also, a lot of tips came from [Nimble's Notebook](http://nimblesnotebook.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, so if you want to write a story, let it be an original or fanfiction, make sure to check this one out!
> 
> The people on twitter who didn't even question why the hell I'd ask how long a human body needs to rot under which circumstances or what exactly happens to a human when he's shot in the face but rather started googling along to help me by "whatever I was doing". Nice of you guys, even if you won't read this either, most likely.
> 
> At last, the people who actually read this story because I know this might not be everyone's cup of tea, especially when it doesn't even feature any major ships. Thanks for leaving comments, giving kudos or even bookmarking this story. You made me feel good about myself a lot and I'm very happy if you liked this story in its whole.
> 
> Okay, it's 1am and I should get the fuck to bed, so enough of being sentimental. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you have a good day!

**Author's Note:**

> (If you're interested in the Arrow part of this AU, feel free to hit me up on [tumblr](http://joanthangroff.tumblr.com). I have a lot of ideas, but they aren't enough for a fanfic.)
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
